Me, Myself, and Whatever

Exams...

2008-04-22T14:59:00.003-06:00

I am not one who likes studying for exams. Although I suppose there are few out there that actually do... Seriously though, exams were originally intended for one purpose. Learning. So you would think that perhaps writing an exam, studying again, and writing it again would prove to be more helpful to students than just exam after exam. Not only that, but what about those people with exam anxiety? Students who are brilliant, know the information well, inside and out, but when they are faced with the pressure of actually writing, go blank. Not nice. At all... But in reality I suppose exams are part of life. Testing to see what you actually know. If you think about it, would you want a doctor who graduated last in his class? Um. I'd rather have the guy who graduated first in his class. Then I know he knows what he is doing, and is not just randomly messing with patients. But still. Exams suck.

Blogging and School

2008-04-21T11:20:00.002-06:00

For some reason I always thought that I would have more time to blog while I was in school. But then you start school, and you work while you are in school, and in your free time you are cleaning and doing laundry. I always loved blogging. Random thoughts at random times, you can post whatever you want whenever you want. Somehow that has all fallen by the wayside. But For some reason I am excited to start again. I should be studying right now. I have 2 more final exams to write. I suppose you could call this a short study break. In any case, I think I will start blogging again. Just as an outlet. A way to get my thoughts out of my head, and into some form that makes it easier to mull over. An online journal, if you will. Seems kind of strange to have a blog instead of a journal, but for me it seems to work better. Or it did when I actually made the time for it. Perhaps I can again.

Here's hoping.

Ha - And Again Today...

2007-07-26T14:25:00.000-06:00

So lately, part of why I have not been posting, is that I am all about crochet. I love to crochet. There is something so satisfying about taking a peice of string and turning it into a beautiful blanket. Since December, I have completed 6 projects. And of course, started an infinite number more... What can I say, I am a crafty person who procrastinates. So I start things, and never finish them. But I wanted to show you all the first one that I completed. I made this blanket for myself, and I love it. Tell me what you think!

So Ashamed

2007-07-26T13:46:00.000-06:00

Hello to all of you out there, who may or may not have been waiting for me to post to my blog. I am really sorry. 2 months without a post. I guess almost 3 really. Who would have believed that I am so lazy? Well, anyway, life continues on in my sad little world. I did go an see my parents for 2 weeks in May. After that I went back to work, which I still hate, but hey, it pays the bills. And I am getting my tuition reimbursement, which will pay off the rest of my next semester in full, so I really can't complain. Other than that, I went camping for a couple of days, moved into my basement suite officially, still no boyfriend, and that's about it. I promise to be more faithful with my blogging, as I have missed the satisfaction it always gave me, so I am back, to anyone who cares, and I promise to post!

p.s. That math course that I was worried about? Yeah, A- in that one too! Rock on!

Can't Wait!

2007-04-29T20:46:00.000-06:00

So here we are again.

I have passed my Chem course with an 87%, which is an A-. Not too shabby for missing about 5 weeks of classes. I am still waiting for my math mark, but I know it will be over 50%, which at this point, is good enough for me. I can still ace my next Chem course and boost my average. So in the fall I will take some of the nursing electives, seeing as how they declined to let me in right away. Mind you, I do still have one more pre-requisite to finish before I officially qualify, so I suppose it is understandable. I am thinking I would like to take Sociology, Psychology, and English 1900. I think that some are only offered in some semesters, so I know that Psych and English are offered in one semester, but Ethics is as well, so I could probably go for that one too. I should make an appointment with an Academic Advisor, but that can wait until I come back.

And on that note...I'M SO EXCITED! I leave the day after tomorrow. I have a 3 hour flight. (Only the 3rd time ever on a plane. Once to Europe, once back, and now this.) Then I get to spend almost 2 full weeks in the Chicago area with my parents, and come back via train. Talk about a life experience. And for all those seasoned travellers out there, I am very happy for you. You may not think this trip is very much, but it is a big hoo ha for me. I don't get to go cool places very often, and in terms of travel, I'm pretty much a virgin at all of it. Went to Europe in Grade 12, other than that, I have only been to British Columbia, nevermind the rest of Canada. Someday I will get there folks. So this is a step in the right direction.

Seeing as how I have no money, not being allowed to work for the last couple months, doctor's orders, my mom and dad are funding this trip. I think they feel bad for not being able to be here when I had surgery. My mom especially. However, they make more money than I do, and they would not offer to pay if they could not afford it right now, so I will not feel guilty about accepting the invitation. The doc has cleared me to fly, so that's awesome. The only thing I don't really understand is that I can fly, just not work. Although I am not allowed to sit for long periods of time yet, which I do for about 8 hours a day when I work, so I guess it does sort of make sense.

I just realized this is a long rambling post, I apologize if it is all over the place, I am a little tired.

Oh, and to correct my last post, something very important is new. I have been a non smoker for almost 2 months. I'd say that is quite an accomplishment.

The After Math

2007-04-18T15:05:00.000-06:00

So here I am again, almost a week after surgery. It hurt like hell when I woke up, still can't bend over without looking like a freak, not sleeping really, not eating really. All in all I'm great, because things will now only be getting better!

I had my gall bladder removed along with a bunch of scar tissue that apparently was also causing a bunch of problems. So now I should be able to be back to normal in a couple of weeks.

Today was the first day that I went back to school, I missed an exam, and I wrote one today that I think I failed. But, this is the last week of classes, and I have 2 finals next week, Tuesday and Wednesday, but after that, that's it! I'm so excited. I am pretty much guaranteed to pass both classes, maybe not with as high of marks as I would like, but that's ok, all things considered.

I get to go to Chicago to visit my mom and dad the first week in May, which thrills me to no end. I get to fly there and take the train back, and I am soooo looking forward to it. After that, it will be the end of my time off, and I will be (hope hope hope hope) back to normal. And back to work. But after being off for all this time, I can hardly wait to go back o my normal routine.

So that's all that's new, which all told, is not really a whole lot of anything. Huh.

Laparoscopy, Possible Cholesystectomy and Laparotomy...

2007-04-06T19:29:00.000-06:00

In general, the insanely long, and threateningly scary sounding words mean that I have to have surgery.

I went to see a specialist yesterday in a very small town about 2 hours west of where I live. Otherwise I would have had to wait until April 23rd to see the specialist here. And by specialist, I do mean surgeon. So personally I think the 2 hour drive one way was worth it.

Anyway. I saw this crazy doctor, apparently very eccentric, and in an office that looks like a decorator has not touched it since about 1971. Most likely since he set up his office in that building. But apparently he is very brilliant, and one of the best surgeons in the province. People come from B.C., all over Alberta, and even Montana and Washington to see this guy. So I guess I can trust him with my malfunctioning bits and parts.

So to break it all down, they are going to cut a hole in my belly button (guess I will have to wash out the lint...) pump it full of carbon dioxide (so the doc has room to work) and stick a camera on a pole in there to check things out. That's the laparoscopy part. Then, if he does not like what he sees, he will cut the gall bladder out, chop it into little bits, and suck it out through the hole in my belly button. (Sounds yummy...blech.) And that's the cholesystectomy part. If he sees anything else suspicious, funny looking scar tissue, appendix problems, wonky intestines, he can do whatever needs to be done on those. That's the laparotomy part. Laparotomy means they cut open my abdomen for treatment or diagnostics. I suppose you could call it exploratory surgery too. And if they do decide to do something else, I guess there would be more names to add to the list, but lets not think about that right now.

So my worst fear about this appointment was that he was going to say the same as my family doctor had at the beginning of this whole mess, and that was that we would wait and see how it goes. So VERY relieved when this doc said that I would not have come to see him if it was something I could live with.

So there is what is new. I have to have surgery, probably the middle of next week, or the beginning of the week after, and I will find out the date on Monday (because today is a holiday here, and no hospital admin peoples are working) and then I will know.

It is a huge relief. Now all I have to worry about is my normal reaction to anaesthetic. Horrible, uncontrollable, mass vomiting. Yay. But things could be worse. He could have told me I had to wait again. And the nurse at his office said that the anaesthesiologist they use is awesome, and it is very rare that people have a bad reaction from his cocktail of sleepy drugs. So as long as she was not just saying that to make me feel better, things will be all good.

And thanks for caring guys. You have no idea how much it means to me to have all of the encouragement that you left for me. Love you all for that!!!

Update on the Sickness...

2007-03-21T18:01:00.000-06:00

So, to all those who think this is all in my head..........

HA HA HA HA HA

I have medical proof that says otherwise. I had a HIDA scan which indicated that my Gall Bladder is "sluggish" and have been reffered to a general surgeon for further diagnosis. From what I understand, I am likely facing surgery to have it removed, but that is not confirmed yet. Will keep you updated.

And No Food For You....Actually Me.

2007-02-28T18:00:00.000-07:00

So you know what sucks? Being sick. It sucks. I hate it. I want to be better.

I have been sick for 2 weeks. Not just kind of sick. Really sick. Like vomiting, nausea, abdominal pain, and of course, the lovely one no one wants to mention. They have no idea what is wrong. Actually that is not true. They think that there is something wrong with my gall bladder or appendix. And by 'they' I mean my doctor. I have had 3 blood tests, 2 ultrasounds, something weird I can't pronounce scheduled for next week, and a consult with a surgeon. There have also been 4 hospital ER visits, and 1 overnighter there. I don't know, maybe they are just going to cut me open, and poke around until they find something? I doubt it. But anyway, nothing is infected or enlarged, so in the meantime, I eat a lot of gravol, percocet, and apple juice. Thats about all I can handle. Anyways. This is why I don't post.

Basically, they are waiting for me to get better, or get worse. Please think of me.

Yikes!

2007-02-07T14:42:00.000-07:00

So before my parents left, right before I went back to school, I went out for lunch one day with my mom. It was really nice, we have a great time shopping and laughing. When we actually got to the restaurant for lunch, we were seated in one of the side booths, which was great. They had some free standing tables in the middle, and I paid no attention to the people sitting at them.

We had ordered our drinks, and were just sitting and chatting, and of course, your eyes tend to just wander around the room as you do. Well, at one point, I noticed that an older gentleman was sitting at the middle table, drinking is coffee, and seemingly paying none of the other patrons any mind. Before my mind actually registered all the details, I sensed something was off. And then it clicked. There was a great big hole in his crotch. Hanging out for all to see was his, er, um, well you know what I am reffering to. My mind immediatly went from gentleman to pervert!

I gasped, covered the side of my face, and turned back to the table. My mom, of course, wants to know what was going on, so I told her. My prim proper mother burst into laughter. And sat there laughing for about 10 minutes. She said I was the reddest she had ever seen me. She never once looked at him, but laughed and laughed and laughed. To this day, whenever I think of the moment, I still get the shiver of disgust running down my back. Blech. What a pervert.

Awesome Tee!

2007-02-03T23:18:00.000-07:00

Just when I think people can't get any more stupid, I get proven horribly wrong!

This was something I saw on a Tee-shirt someone wore to work today. For where I work, it is totally appropriate, as people are incredibly unintelligent. Wow. I'm so glad I don't have to work tomorrow when all the remarkably stupid people are going to be calling about their damn superbowl not coming in.

Later days!

Ouch.

2007-01-21T14:37:00.000-07:00

You know, I think it has finally hit me. My family is leaving. My mom, my dad, and my little sister are going to be about a 28 hour drive away from me. I don't know how well I am really going to handle this. You know how right before you cry, you get this hard lump in your throat, and it feels like you can't breathe for a minute? That's how I feel now. And I don't know that it will go away anytime soon. Lately my mom has been my total support team. If I have a bad day at work, or I am worried about school, she is the one who reassures me that I can make it. She makes sure that I eat right, that I have gas in my car, and that I know that I am loved. My dad is gruff, and sometimes it seems like he doesn't really care, but my mom told me that he wanted to pay my tuition for this semester because he is so proud of what I am trying to do. Sometimes if he knows I am not in the greatest mood, he will come and find me and just give me this great big bear hug, just because. My baby sister is sometimes annoying, borrows my stuff, and does not put it back, but she is so sweet when she knows I am sick. She will make me tea, and just lay down with me for a while to make me feel better. She tells me about the crushes that she has on the boys, and cries to me when she has a bad day. And this is the last whole day that I get to have with them. I have school and work tomorrow, and work on Tuesday, and then they leave first thing Wednesday morning. I have homework that is not finished, boxes to move, and here I sit. Everyone is taking a well deserved nap before church, and I am trying to do homework, but all I and do is sit here and cry. So much for waterproof mascara.

CRAP!!!

2007-01-09T01:17:00.000-07:00

So here it is. My second ever photo radar ticket. $203 freaking dollars. That I really don't have. I swear that it is not a school or a playground zone. They can kiss my butt. And my money. Sigh.

I guess that'll teach me.

To Miss, and Not to Miss

2007-01-06T21:59:00.000-07:00

So my parents are moving. To the States. About a 28 hour drive away from here. I'm gonna miss them like crazy. Especially my mom. She and I seem to have gotten closer since I moved away and came back. I will miss my dad too, and my little sister. A lot. I'm sure I will phone them every once in a long while, bawling. I miss you guys. When will I see you again?

But right now, I'm kinda just waiting for them to leave. My dad is really stressed out over all this moving stuff, and he is nearly impossible to live with. My family is not really all that neat and organized, and their crap can be all over the place. But if any of my stuff is out, heaven forbid! It ends up in a box on the deck, or on my bed when I come home at night, or in a box by the garbage. It is very frustrating. And none of this is big things either. For example, my sister and a couple of her friends watched a movie of mine on the upstairs tv, and left it there. I found it on top of the garbage can lid when I got home. Will you put your stuff away? Never mind the fact that I did not bring it up there. And I bought a new textbook for one of my classes, and had to leave for work right after I got home, so the textbook was in the bag on the kitchen table. Rather than stick inside my bedroom door, or somewhere else out of the way, I found it tossed down the stairs. I was more than a little ticked about that one. Extremely upset is more like it. I found out that it was my little sis, and she got shit for it from my mom, but wow, was I ever fuming.

So I am kinda already missing them because I know they are leaving, and it means that I will not get to see them nearly as often as I do now. But somehow that is kind of a good thing. If I had to live with them too much longer, I think I would go insane.

I will miss them like crazy once they leave, but right now, not so much.

Happy Birthday to This!!!

2007-01-04T00:49:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to my blog! It is one year old today!

Whoo hoo!

Exciting, I know....

2007-01-03T09:22:00.000-07:00

Hey guys.

My blogging skills have been atrocious lately, and there is no excuse. Five minutes every couple of days is not too big a thing to ask. At least in my opinion.

So anyway, my parents are getting ready to move to the States, and they are getting rid of all kinds of things. (Which is how I got this computer...) As one of the things they are getting rid of, and by getting rid of, I mean, seeing which one of their kids wants it, I have a new DIGITAL CAMERA!!! So excited. Should not be so much, but I am really, lets face it.

So as my first picture taken with my own camera on my own blog, I present to you,

My Tattoo. (Drew it myself too :)

Wanna get Kicked Outta Chapters?

2006-11-20T13:13:00.000-07:00

About a week ago, I met my friend *A at Starbucks for coffee. We wanted to have a chance to get together and catch up. We chatted for about an hour, about everything and nothing. Sounds normal right? Yeah, it was, except I have not seen her for about a year... Sigh. But it was great. You know how you just have some friends that you can pick up right where you left off, and there is no hard feelings? It was like that. Always has been. I loved it. Every minute of it. Anyway, we both still had some time to kill, and you can only sit on the metal Starbucks chairs for so long before your ass goes numb.

The Starbucks that we were in just so happens to be a attached to Chapters. We decided to take a gander through the books, looking for potential Christmas gifts, and somehow we ended up strolling through the 'self-help' section, which bordered the 'sexuality' section. The stroll abrubtly ended right in front of those shelves, as a few titles caught the eye. There were just so many books that brought about extreme fits of the giggles! Just imagine two modest, sexually inexperienced, good Christian girls dying of laughter because of the book titles. "The Pop of Book of Sex" and "You and the Kama Sutra, How to Make it Work" and my favorite: "DICK - A User's Manual". Of course that one brought out the strongest reaction! A* and I were almost rolling around on the floor. Or at least laughing so hard we were stumbling into the nearby shelves. Uncontrollably laughing. And so loud, everyone was looking at us. But still unable to stop.

We were approached by a young man, a Chapters employee, who looked like he had been told to go and assess the situation, and he wanted to be anywhere but there. He took a few tentative steps toward us, and then just stopped and stared. I saw him, she didn't. I tried to get myself under control. Just as soon as I had stopped laughing, she would have a new fit of giggles, and it just spread. Then she would be done, and I would start again. The young man turned around, shook his head, and left.

Once we had ourselves under control, we took our selections to the front, and paid. That same young man was standing in a corner of the checkout counter, speaking with an older woman who I'm sure was his supervisor. She was shaking her head, and he turned, pointed at us, and walked away from her. I'm sure that had we not left the store on our own, we would have been asked to leave...

But I had fun, so did A*, and I'm sorry, but the self help and sexuality sections should never be beside each other. I have no doubt that it will happen again, to someone else. *Giggle*

Wow.

2006-11-13T14:36:00.000-07:00

Wow. Apparently it has been a very long while since I have updated my blog. Over a month. Sad sad. I definitly need to do this more. Sorry guys. Anywho... so my house is sold. Or rather, my parents' house is sold. Yikes. Although I am okay with it, because my dad has been slightly testy lately, because he is a little stressed, and now he can relax, so that will be nice. But now the thing is, we have to pack. I hate packing and moving. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Even though all of my stuff is still packed.... and in storage.... you all know who will end up getting asked to 'help' and then everyone else finds other things they need to be doing. And you-know-who ends up packing all by her damn self. Yay. I can hear it now. Everyone is saying, "Suck it up Laura. Your parents are moving 28 hours away from you. You should be happy to do this for them." I am. No really. I am happy that they get this chance in a lifetime. And that I can actually do something to help. HELP being the key word. Not do it for them. Help them. So long as it turns out that way, it's fine. But somehow I am not so sure that its going to happen that way. Oh well. Enough whining from me. Seems like sometimes that is all I do on my blog, and I'm sorry. :) I promise to write something nice a little later today, but I am babysitting, and my nephew is crying. Out!

Butterflies

2006-10-11T02:10:00.000-06:00

I know most of you may not be in school, but I am, and I'm sure you all remember this.

You are in the final hours before a test. You are cramming and cramming, trying to fit just one more fact into your overstressed brain. You are sick to your stomach, your head hurts, and you just want to go to sleep and wake up and find out that you passed that test.

And then... you write that test. And there is no let down. No relief that it is over. It just morphs straight into: Oh gosh. Did I pass? I'm sure I screwed that question up. I should have gone back and changed that. Shit, I should have studied more. Man, I just don't effing know.

That's how I feel right now. As of now, I have written that test about 12 hours ago. (Don't ask me why I am still up, I could not tell you. I really should go to bed and sleep, considering I have class in 6 hours, but I just can't seem to fall asleep.) What makes me even more nervous is the fact that I was finished first. Does that mean I did really awesome? Or did I f*ck it up completely! Did I actually know the answers, or did I just spout random bits of information. For the life of me, I can't remember what I wrote. The test was on Chemistry, and I could have been waxing poetic about Napoleon for all I know.

I guess it does not matter. It is done. I can't go back and change it. I just have to wait to see how I did. A week should not kill me. But it sure as hell kills my concentration on anything else.

New, Old, and New Again

2006-10-03T11:03:00.000-06:00

Make new friends, but keep the old
One is silver, the other is gold.

I have been able to, in these last couple of weeks, renew a lot of friendships that had sort of fallen to the side. Shame on me for letting that happen. But I am amazed that after an hour of catching up, it's like I never left. As though it has only been a couple of days instead of a couple of months. :) I love it.

I have also made a few new friends. People that are the ones I like to be around. Positive people who think (some) of the way I do. Of course it is always good to have differences, because then you always end up with a different way of looking at things.

Life is wonderful. Now I just need to study a little more.... I do not enjoy writing math exams y'all.

People scare me!

2006-09-22T09:36:00.000-06:00

No, seriously, they do.

If you are on Social Security, have a fixed income, and are late on your cable bill every month because you don't have enough money and have to borrow from everyone you know, there is a simple answer....

CANCEL YOUR CABLE!

Cable is not life. It is not an emergency, or a necessity. Why is it that these people freak out if they have no cable?

Because they have nothing else. And that scares me. I can't imagine a life so empty that cable is all I have. At that point, I think I would kill myself.

But I can't tell anyone to do that. Then I scare myself...

O Brother Where Art Thou?

2006-09-18T19:04:00.000-06:00

My brother and I were always at each other's throats when we were little. We used to tease each other, beat each other up, and generally drive each other crazy. Once I moved out, things got much better. Then, once he was done High School, he changed. He relaxed a lot, and almost seemed to grow up overnight.

Lately, he has been asking me to do things with him and the people he hangs out with. It is pretty weird, but in a good way. We have been having a blast. I can hardly believe it, but I would not give it up for the world.

He has been staying here lately, because his room mate is out of town, and my mom will feed him and do his laundry, and because he does not live here, he does not have to do anything but pick up after himself. Which is a pretty sweet deal, I might add.

I don't know what has brought on this change, but I like it. I wish it would have been like this years ago. Everyone keeps telling me that it is because we don't live together anymore. Personally, I think it is because we both grew up. (Well, a little anyway!) :) I can't wait to see where it goes. I love my family!

College Classes 101

2006-09-13T20:32:00.000-06:00

So I am back at school, and the first few days were really hard. Not to mention I was just starting back at work. It was a busy week or so.

So remember when I had to go through a whole rigamarole in order to get into the math that I wanted? Well, the math is going well. I understand most of it, I am keeing up, and doing my homework, and I think I will do just fine in the class in general. (Now ask me again after I get the first test back in a couple of weeks...)

Anywho, they did not ask me anything about my science background, just sort of stuck me in Chemistry 085, which is the equivalent of grade 11 chem, only slightly harder and more intense. I did take Science 10, way back when I was in grade 10. Ask me how long ago that was! So after a week (almost) in the course, I decided, after much thought and difficulty, I decided to drop down a level. I am almost disappointed in myself, because I don't really want to take a summer course next year, or spend the extra $800. At the same time, I am very proud of myself for recognizing that I was in over my head, and setting myself up for failure.

I think I could have done it, with a lot of time and effort, which I don't mind putting in, but I am also taking math, which is not my strong suit. Add to that a nearly full time job (36 hours a week) and it does not leave much time for extra study and work in a class that I am not sure I will pass. If I don't pass it the first time, what are the chances I will pass it a second time, if I don't have the fundamentals behind all the concepts? Probably not too good. Mind you everything is always easier the second time round.

It was a really hard decision, and I am glad I made it, because I am not stressing so much anymore. My work was kind of annoyed, because they had to totally switch my schedule around, but as I told them, and I will stick to it, my school work comes first. There are other jobs out there. Maybe not ones that pay as well, or that I already know, but for the sake of doing well, I can sacrifice a few things.

So the lesson of College Classes 101: if you think you are in over your head, you might be. There is no shame in starting over in the shallow end of the pool. Better feet on ground than lungs in water.

Right?

I'm Just Mad About Saffron

2006-09-03T22:49:00.000-06:00

I'm just mad about Saffron
Saffron's mad about me.
I'm just mad about Saffron
She's just crazy 'bout me!

They call me Mellow Yellow
They call me Mellow Yellow

I am so mellow right now. Life is so much better right now than it has been in a long time. I am home. In a sense of familiarity and comfort. It is just awesome. I thought it might be awkward at first, you know, moving back in with my parents after living away for so long, but it has been a very smooth transition. I'm sure there will be difficult moments ahead, but for now, it is smooth sailing, and I could not be happier about that.

My car is behaving (for the most part) as long as I put radiator coolant in every other time I drive it.

I start work tomorrow. (Oh goodness. Remember how evil company *C wanted to hire me back, and I said that I would never go because they were evil-soul-sucking-corporate-vampires? Yeah them.) But it is a job that I know well and do well at, it is temporary, until I can get a job related to nursing once I have a few courses under my belt, and they are the best paying company around that will cater to student schedules.

I have a new computer that my mom and dad gave me. (Which I am working on right now!!! I even have wireless internet access, temporarily, which is sweet.) I am feeling really spoiled. My birthday gift from my mom was new school supplies, so she bought the binders, pencils, pens, ect that are the bane of every student's existence. She even bought me a new outfit, that is really cute, and I feel like a million bucks in! Like I said, spoiled!

I'm kinda waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I am so mellow right now, I want to ignore it. Maybe it's the whole, "what comes around goes around" and I took a lot of crap lately without going postal. :) Wouldn't that be a nice thought. Anyway, I am still alive, and now I can go back to regular updates. :) Happy blogging!

Fewf!

2006-08-27T21:58:00.000-06:00

My little sister used to say that when she could not pronounce her words properly. :)

It means *huge sigh of relief*.

I am all moved. Boxes are not all unpacked, car is still not working (had to stop 6 times on a 4 hour drive to fill up the antifreeze) but all my stuff is here. I have a bed set up, and my MY bedding is on it, and for now, that is all I need.

I will post again when I know more of what is going on, and my legs don't hurt as much from running up and down 90 flights of stairs.

But it is worth the peace.

Peace!

Crazy

2006-08-21T12:40:00.000-06:00

Life is crazy. It really is.

I had a great weekend with my handicapped lady. Last one, *sniff sniff*. We went out for supper both nights, caught a movie, and in general, just had a blast! I will miss working with her.

A friend of mine seems to have found herself a man. He is younger than her, and I'm not sure that's a good thing, but he seems to be the kind that is mature for his age, and has his head on straight. He is going to school to become a mechanic, works a lot, and he is really really nice. He treats her great, and he is wonderful to her friends (incl me! her last boyfriend hated me, and made fun of my size all the time. So glad he is not like that.) So all in all, her life is going well.

I have finally managed to get a small stockpile of boxes, and a very nice young man from the grocery store has promised to put some aside for me. Which is great. Now all I have to do is actually pack the boxes.

I think my aforementioned friend has said something to my room mate about the ass he has been, and he has been better so far. No one has said anything to me, but so far, seems to be going much better. He started a new job too, so maybe that helped.

I am kind of tired. I think I am getting a cold. Damn summer colds! Which really sucks, because this is the worst possible time for me to get sick. But hey, we all have this problem right? Hopefully lots of liquids, and sleep will solve the problem. (Only thing is how am I supposed to sleep when I am packing? Should have started earlier I guess. That's what I get for procrastinating!)

Last but not least, I have to quit smoking. I am kind of a casual smoker anyway, but my parents don't know. And, yes, I am old enough to make decisions for myself, and they will be upset but get over it. But my mom and dad have always been staunch non-smokers. They drilled it into our heads that we should never smoke. And I hate to disappoint them. I have shattered many of their illusions of perfect children (my brother more than I, but hey, someone had to start it) and I just hate the fact that they would feel inadequate as parents because I am an idiot.

So there you have it folks. Life is crazy.

But, as my good friend Antoine keeps repeating :) Everything is temporary.

Damn rights.

HOLY SHIT!!

2006-08-16T11:22:00.000-06:00

So here I am again, finally. With a real update I promise!

Life is shitty. SHITTY! For the moment anyway.

Want to know why?

1. My room mate is drunk all the time, and has become verbally abusive. Scary. And when I say verbally abusive, I mean, screaming at me for who knows what. He spills, and it is my fault. He is crazy pissed off about everything, and calls me every name under the sun. The one I can't stand the most especially. Because he knows I can't stand it. And he is bad mouthing me to everyone he knows, and I have not done anything to him! I don't know what his problem is! Nothing I would ever normally put up with, but it is only 2 more weeks, and I have to work this weekend anyway, so I won't be home. But I have no where to go, because I don't fucking know anybody, so I either have to leave the house, and drive aimlessly, which see below, really doesn't work, or I hide in my room and read a book.

2. I have no money to buy groceries, and I don't want to buy groceries, because then I would have to move them all. But it sucks having nothing but old noodles and frozen juice to eat. Maybe a few granola bars here and there. That's it. I may have to cave in and go buy some frozen dinners. They are only $1 at the discount store.

3. My car, my baby, my bucket, is fucked. Not worth fixing. Leaks radiator coolant out of the head gaskets, leaks major oil, back shocks are shot, winshield wiper motor is toast, needs new tires, the starter is going (AGAIN!) and I think that's about it that they told me about. If I get it fixed, just the basics, it will be $600-$800. And it will be dead again before winter. Not worth the money. But it is an old car, 1985, Toyota (good that it lasted this long!) and it has 376,000 kms on it. (That's 233,000 miles or something like that for all those who use miles.) It is my baby. It has taken me everywhere, and although it has broken down before, it has never left me completely stranded in the middle of nowhere. But the point is that it is fucked. And I can't afford a replacement!

4. I am moving again! That means going through all of my stuff, packing it up, and writing down what is where. I have run out of boxes already, and each time I go to the grocery store to get more, someone has beat me to the good boxes. And I am not moving fucking 60 lb boxes. Not a chance in hell. I would rather move 15 million little boxes, but then what's the point? Might as well just start throwing shit in garbage bags. But I have to think about storage too, because most of this stuff is not getting unpacked, because I have to move again in January. ARG!!!!!

5. The people upstairs in our half of the duplex are either fighting or fucking all night every night! Normally I can sleep through anything, but with all the added stress in my life right now, it is not going well. I have taken to taking some nyquil before I go to bed, just to help me sleep, and it is never a good sleep. And it sucks. Because I have to try really hard to be nice during the day.

6. I am training a new girl at work. She is catching on really fast, and I am running out of things to teach her. We have been cleaning like crazy, and I am going out of my mind with boredom. Sounds like a good thing right? No. She is going for an interview tomorrow. At the college. She has been trying to get this job for 5 years, and they decide to interview her now. It pays better, and it is what she was doing at a different college before, so I don't blame her for going, but it means that the office might be left without a secretary. I know it is not my fault, and I have no control over it, but it makes me sick to think that no one will be here to do what I do. Or someone who has no freaking clue. Either one can lose clients and earn a business a bad name. And it puts way too much stress on my aunt. I know she is sick thinking about it.

7. I think the worst thing right now is that one of my nephews is sick. The youngest one. There is a picture of him in my January blog. He is such a sweet little boy. 8 months old, and always smiling. But he has a really bad lung infection, and they think it is RSV and asthma. He is on ventalin, and has to wear this breathing machine that he really hates, and he cries all the time, and he is so sick, and there is nothing I can do but pray. He is getting a little better, but my sister is so worried, she is making herself sick, and my mom is the same. It is so hard to not be able to be there for them for this. To babysit my other nephew to give her a break or whatever. Can't do anything.

Most of this stuff is minor. Things I could handle if it was the only one. One problem at a time please!!!!! I can't handle all this shit. I want to go to a grocery store, raid their ice cream stash, go home, lock all the doors, turn on some really loud music and eat myself to sleep, and not have to wake up until I am in the clear again.

I sort of left something else out too. Remember the guy who said he could not date me because I was too fat for him? He is fucking with my head now. He apologized for what he said (I don't believe him) and keeps phoning me. Asking me to do stuff. Coffee, movie, whatever. I keep saying no, because I am moving anyway, and I have too much other stress to deal with. I don't need some asshole who just wants some pussy. Which he would never get anyway! I don't need a fuck buddy. I need someone who actually likes me and wants to be with me, and is not just looking for sex. He should know by now that I am not that kind of girl!

But holy shit! It's just too much to take all at once. If I was the suicidal kind, and didn't have so much to live for, I think I would kill myself. I hate living like this. And I keep telling myself. Only 2 more weeks. Only 2 more weeks. Only 2 more weeks. But it is 2 weeks of HELL. Total and complete HELL. I wish there was something I could do about all this. But I don't think there is. I just have to suffer with it. But I really don't want to. I just want it all to be over.

Life is busy

2006-08-14T09:09:00.000-06:00

Thought I would let you all know that life is insane. I have no more weekends off 'til I move, work work work, and I am training a new girl for my job, so it's pretty hectic. Not ignoring you! I promise, I will update when I have some time guys.

:) Laura

Powers of Persuasion

2006-08-03T16:07:00.000-06:00

I love it when things go my way! Well, who doesn't, really?

I called the student services centre at the college today, to speak with a student advisor. I had, of course, previously spoken to one, and she set me up for the math test I had to take.

The results of said math test were, well, for lack of a better word, ambiguous. She said that I had done fairly well on the test, well within the expected range. Sounds good right? Apparently, after most people have been out of school for a while, they have to repeat whatever level of math they had taken last. So in all reality, the news was not so good.

They wanted me to take:

Grade 11 Math - Easy

Grade 11 Math - Hard

Grade 12 Math - Hard

So I said, if I have to do 3 bloody math courses, I'm going to do:

Grade 10 Math - Hard

Grade 11 Math - Hard

Grade 12 Math - Hard

Not that I really wanted to redo any of it. The courses I really need are Math 11 & 12 Hard, and Chemistry 11 & 12. That's it. That's all. Why should I have to take 3 math courses? I took Math 10 Hard in grade 10. I took Math 11 easy in grade 12. Both of which are the prerequisites of Math 11 Hard. Why should I have to do any of it over? I already did it.

So like I said, I called and talked to a student advisor this morning. A different one than previously (apparently they both suffer from the stupidity gene...)

Me: "Hi, I came in and took the CAT testing, and I spoke to a student advisor, and I'm really not happy with the plan that she came up with, and I would like to discuss my options."

Her: "Okay, (gets my info...) Laura, we can see what we can do."

Me: explains the whole "I've already done this, and I shouldn't have to do it over concept..."

Her: "Well, you took the testing, and it recommended this course of action. Not only that, but an advisor has to sign off on any upgrading plan, so while it is your education, we do have a say."

Me: "I have a cousin who is a math/science major, he is a certified teacher, and he is willing to tutor me when I need help. Not only that, but I am not stupid. I am not upgrading because I was too dumb to take these courses in High School. I am a good student. I like school, and I learn well. Not only that, but this is something I had to do so that I can fulfill a lifelong dream. I am not going to give up, and not learn from this. Besides, if I fail, I will be the one paying for the course again, and redoing it, and that won't hurt the college any. I don't understand why you are making this harder than it has to be."

Her: "Oh, you are paying for this yourself?"

Me: "Yes. As I explained to the previous student advisor. It should be there in my file."

Her: "Oh yes, I see it here. Well, since you are self-funded, you have a few more options, because a signed action plan is not required for government funding. You can certainly register for the courses you like. Just send back your acceptance letter, with a letter about our conversation today, I will note it in your file as well, (fingers clacking on keys) and you will be all set."

Me: "Thank you."

So apparently, it is only if the government is paying for your education that you need someone's signature (why I do not understand, it is not like we are in kindergarten anymore, good grief, it is an ADULT program. Yikes!) to proceed in the program. My though is that they are squeezing every last cent they can get, so they make people take courses they do not need. I am not being given money by the government. This is all coming out of my pocket. Stop trying to rip me off!

Maybe that's all colleges and universities do. Rip people off.

Although I think my previous college experience was worth every penny in a personal sense. Maybe in the actual education department it was not, but I still think is was worth it.

And I'm sure this will be too. Besides, everything is so much more fun to me when I have to pick a fight to get what I want. :) Demented, I know!

August

2006-08-01T14:42:00.000-06:00

August has always been my favorite month of the year. So many reasons, and yet, none of them fully describe how I feel.

I love the heat and the sunshine. For my entire life, I have always preffered being too hot over too cold. You are pretty much guaranteed of that in August. Something about it just does something to me. I am happier, more focused, and love everything infinitely more in August. Not only that, the heat makes me think of hot, sweaty, passionate activity. Much to my regret, I am single. Some guy could be very happy right about now...

Of course, what girl doesn't like her birthday and getting presents, I ask? My birthday is this month. In less than a week actually. August 7th. I will be a whopping 22 years old. Goodness, I can't believe it. Seems as though I just turned 18. I really thought I would be somewhere important in life by now. Although I have come to realise that I kind of am. No matter where I am, or what I am doing, it is an important part of my life. So I suppose that is a good thing. Of course, no matter what the year, I just like birthdays. Once, when I turned 7 or 8, I got a personalized snoopy card from my cousin, and it touched me so much, I have never forgotten, and actually still have it in a box somewhere. It says something along the lines of: "So you are turning x, eh Laura? But it's not just another birthday. Think of it as the day the world was graced with the presence of Laura Dxxx." I love it.

Why else do I like summer, particulary the end of summer? Oh, let's see. Camping, time off, almost back to school, nice tans, guys without shirts, parties around bonfires, oh the list goes on. But the most important 2 are at the top. I could go on forever, but I will resist. Summer is the time of my life that I feel the most alive.

Oh Goodness!

2006-07-28T14:21:00.000-06:00

I just got an email from a girl I worked with at the video store, and it reminded me of a most memorable experience I had while I worked there. Memorable in a way that I could never forget, not that it was wonderful or anything...

It was a Tuesday evening, and I was working with a new girl. A girl who used to work there, we'll call her Ashley, came in, said hi, and then went to go browse around. Another person came in, a not too bad looking guy, in his early to mid twenties. He headed for the "adult room" and I left him to his own devices, as I stayed out of that part of the store as much as possible.

Not too long after, he came to the front counter.

"Do you have, ahem, "Fuck my ass 'til I cum 4"?

"I'm sorry?"

"Uh, I said, do you have "Fuck my ass 'til I cum 4?"

"Grrk (small choke from swallowing a giggle) I'll have to look it up for you...No, sorry we don't have that."

"How about Anal Pleasures 2?"

"Pardon?"

"How about Anal Pleasures 2?"

"Grrk...nope sorry."

"Dammit, doesn't anyone carry good porn in this town?"

That last sentance being uttered loudly for Ashley's benefit, as she came toward the counter. She simply giggled, and said hi. They had a small conversation, much to the point of, hey, how's it going, I'm good, see ya. And he left he store.

She put her movies on the counter, and said,

"I can't believe you did that all with a straight face and without laughing!"

At which point both of us burst into unrestrained giggles.

"I know!"

"He's a bit of an ass freak. I know from experience. But he's not very good" She whispered confidentially.

TMI!!! TMI!! I did not need to know that!!!

"Grrk. Oh. Well, I have your movies ready for you over by the door..."

At which point she left the store, walked up to his window, chatted him up for a minute, AND THEN GOT INTO HIS TRUCK AND LEFT WITH HIM!!

Again, I succumbed to hysterical laughter, and nearly fell onto the floor! The new girl looked at me like I had gone completely off my rocker, at which point I had to tell her the story. I think we laughed about it on and off for the rest of the night.

Ah, the hilarity of working retail...I just could not resist sharing the story. Anytime I had a bad day at the movie store, I used to tell myself the story again. And then people would look at me like I was crazy, because I would be walking around, putting movies away, giggle uncontrollably to myself.

Oh well, they all think I'm nuts anyway, might as well let them keep their little romantic notions...

Drunken Disaster

2006-07-27T09:21:00.000-06:00

As many of you know, I am not much of a drinker. But last week Saturday was an entirely different story. I have never been so drunk in my life. Not that I am proud of it, mind you, it is just how it happened.

I went to a movie with K and then headed over to Boston Pizza to meet A and her friends from Holland for drinks. They were really nice. The guy, I think his name was Rudy, had his hair in this mini mohawk kind of style. I was very much in love with his hair. Hot! He, of course, had come to visit Canada with his girlfriend, whose name escapes me. I did like her though. I think it was hard to pronounce, so it kind of went out the other ear, if you know what I mean.

I had a purple rain and a water, and was thinking about quitting when A pipes up.
"I think we should go to the bar."
We all thought this was a great idea, and so we piled into her car (well, actually her boyfriend's extra car, as hers was in the shop).

On our way there, just over half way, the car starts overheating. I have had much experience with this, as my car is a piece of shit. So we pull into a hotel parking lot, and get some water from the bathroom there. Now of course, this not being her car, we don't know how to get the hood open. Simple, you might think. All cars are the same with slight variations. Not so with this car. No. Not at all. This car is old. And broken. You need a pair of pliers to yank a wire, someone has to bang on the hood at the same time, while trying to pulll something under the hood as well. Dangerous business actually. And, of course, since you need pliers to yank the wire, there should be pliers in the car right? Since A's boyfriend knows that's the only way you can open it. No. No pliers. And of course, the hotel maintenance staff is gone for the night, and the girl behind the counter does not have a key to the maintenance room. So we have no pliers. K finds a pair of tweezers in her purse, and Rudy, by wrapping the wire around the tweezers and then pulling, manages to do his part. A and K do their part by banging and pulling the hood, to get it to open. So we pour the water in, and are on our way.

So we finally get to the bar, after 1 am already, due to the lovely car. Of course, none of us have much cash with us, so we head to the debit machine. Not working. So we walk to the gas station. Not working. Not a single debit machine in the entire freakin' city was working on a Saturday night. Something about the banks uploading their systems. What the hell!? I pull out all my money, which is about 4.25 in change. K has a 20 and change, A has a 20, and so does Rudy, along with a bunch of euros, which no one is going to take, and his girlfriend had given all her cash to Rudy before we left. So for 5 people, we have about 70 bucks. Whoopee. And they raised the drink prices again.

Never the less, we head back inside the bar, and begin to party it up. Dancing, drinking, and in general, having a blast! Seemed like every time Rudy went to get a drink, he would bring one back for all of us. (Except A, she was driving.) I think, in total, I only had 4 coolers, but at the time, it seemed like much more. Mind you, we were only in the bar for about 2 hours, so that might have had something to do with it. Now normally, I drink a lot of water when I go out, for the sole purpose of not being sick the next day. I don't know why, but I did not that night. Do I ever wish I had now!

I ended up dancing with this guy, I think I remember his name, I have seen and hung out with him before, a different time, he is dutch too, but I can't seem to remember it at the moment. Not that it really matters. We were dancing, which he was quite good at really. And then, somehow, I don't really know how, I don't remember thinking about it, or anything, we just kinda, well, ended up kissing. Right there. In the middle of the dance floor. Right in front of his friends. And mine. And the people visiting from Holland. I was embarassed. But not too embarassed. He was a damn good kisser. Anyway, his friends came to get him soon after, as they were leaving. Since it was already after last call, we decided to header too. Not that I could really walk...

I had my window open in the car, because I was starting to feel quite dizzy. But I thought I was still okay. I made it all the way to our town. And almost to my house. The block before, the dutch girl tapped A on the shoulder and said maybe she should stop, I looked like I was going to be sick. I replied, no we are almost there, I'll be okay. So she kept going. And then stopped at the four way stop 1 house down from mine, and I knew I could not wait. I opened my door, leaned out, and lost it. And lost it. And lost it. Seemed like it would never stop!

I felt better immediatly. K opened my door for me, because I did not have the hand-eye coordination left to open my own door. I stumbled down my stairs, to the bathroom, and then to bed. I thought I would pass out immediately, but it was not to be so. The room would not stop spinning, so I went and laid on my bathroom floor. Let me clarify this for you. I was hot. Like roasting hot. And the only place in my apartment that does not have carpet is the bathroom. It's lino. And it was nice and cool. I laid there for about half an hour, and then stumbled back to bed.

I woke up at 7, when my alarm went off, intended to wake me up for church. I didn't think God would appreciate me showing up in his house still drunk, so I took an advil and went back to bed, hoping to avoid a hangover. I suceeded! I can still say that I have never had a hangover. I can no longer say that I have not puked from drinking.

Although I seriously wish I could.

I was so embarassed. Hi friends. Hi friends of friend. I am really not a slut, despite making out with some random guy on the dance floor. I am not a horrible drunk, despite not being able to walk and ralphing out the side of a car. I almost wish I could erase the whole night.

But the kiss was really good.

DUCK!!!

2006-07-26T11:27:00.000-06:00

So what would you think if you saw a massive duck come flying toward your winsheild?

I can tell you what I thought, all in the space of about 3 seconds. (Only took that long for it to actually hit...)

Oh shit!

What the f*ck?!

What if it breaks my winsheild?

Oh SHIT!

DUCK!

And of course, the involuntary reflex action of, well, DUCK! And a slight swerve. And then:

Shit!

What do I do?

Do I leave it laying on the other side of the highway? Do I stop and go look? Do I just keep driving?

What if it is hurt? But ducks are mean. They peck you when they are mad. And I just hit this one. Hell, if I were him, I'd be pissed. Of course I am not stupid enough to fly into a moving car. Especially one that is going fast.

Shit. What do I do? Just keep going. Take a deep breath. Call someone. You are okay. Whew.

I can't believe I hit a f*ckin duck!

So I called Hayley. She calmed me down. And I kept driving. And when I stopped for gas, I had to pull duck feathers out of my weather stripping. No cracks or dents in my car though. I guess I was lucky. Can't really say the same for the duck.

Allo!

2006-07-21T11:21:00.000-06:00

Hey all, here I am again.

And they all, screaming at the top of their lungs, head for the hills!

Just kidding. Anyway. I had a few lovely days off. Aside from the horrifying, shit-my-pants-in-terror math test that I had to write, it was wonderul.

I took a leisurely drive down home (and by leisurely, I mean driving faster and faster to see if I can beat the last trip's time...) that was Friday night. I also got to visit with my wonderful friend Hales Friday night as well. We had a wonderful talk, and I think life is good on both fronts for both of us, after a bit of a shaky patch for me, and a short hell-on-earth for her. I'm so glad we got to catch up, and I can't wait until we can hang out more than once every 2 months or so. Oh well. Soon enough I suppose.

Saturday morning, I took my little sister and her friend with me to visit one of the ladies I used to work with. We had a great time, just sitting on her patio, chatting, and somehow ending up in a water fight. Which was much appreciated, since it was some 30+ degrees outside. From there, we headed to the mall, where I bought a couple of t-shirts, and of course, lunch for all three of us, my treat. (Like 15 year old girls have any money, let's face it.) Saturday afternoon, I studied for that horrid math test with my brother. He is smarter than he gives himself credit for. My mom and I went shopping (just a quick jaunt into town). I had to buy a new bathing suit. Goodness! There is nothing worse than having to do that, especially when it is busy. I swear, they design dressing room mirrors to give you the worst possible view of yourself. Harsh lighting, atrocious wall color, and last but not least, mirrors that dont forgive any flaw. (I much prefer my mirror at home. It is forgiving!) Oh well. I did buy one. Still not entirely sure that I like it, but hey, such is life right?

Sunday I went to church with my family (it felt like forever since I had been to church, eh hem). Did absolutely nothing but laze around until after supper. I helped them all pack up the camper, so they could leave for camping. I, of course, had to stay behind, and face the malicious math monster on my own. Yikes!

Monday morning, I drove to the college, and prepped myself. Mainly, had a cigarette, took deep breaths, and tried really hard not to wet myself. I went into the testing center, presented my ID, and was given a short 20 question "locator" test. Locate what? My brain? I can tell you right now, it's not here. It deserted me some time over night. Probably went for the hunk in my dream and left me here alone to face this. Then they gave me a 54 question, multiple choice nightmare. I was not sure how I did, and I will find out Friday at lunchtime. Good grief, how do they expect you to wait that long? Seriously.

Anyway. After the math test, I drove out to the campground, and spent the next 3 days doing nothing but eating, sleeping, playing with my nephews and adopted neices and nephews, reading books, playing card games, and in general having a wonderful time! Relax, relax, relax. It was fabulous. I cried when I left. It was serious heartbreak. I did not want to come home and get back to work. But oh well. Here I am. And much better off now that I had a bit of a break!

Edit! This post did not post right away when it was supposed to. Stupid blogger. I started writing this last Thursay morning, it now being Monday. Oh well, at least it did not eat my post. That would have bit the big one!

People are People

2006-07-13T10:44:00.000-06:00

For some strange reason or another this is weighing on my mind today. Maybe it is because I got asked to work an extra weekend with my handicapped lady, but no matter the reason, I felt like putting down my thoughts.

The lady I work with has cerebral palsy. She is not mentally handicapped. Slightly crazy, but hey, that's why we get along so well!

Cerebral palsy is defined as: a disability resulting from damage to the brain before, during, or shortly after birth and outwardly manifested by muscular incoordination and speech disturbances.

That's all it is. She has trouble with moving around, and she cannot speak clearly, the way you or I could. Because she is in a wheel chair, and talks funny, people assume she is deficient, and insist on talking to her like she is 3 years old. She gets annoyed at this, and so do I. People are people. You treat them like people. No one should be treated any different than anyone else, no matter of size, shape, color, or mental capabilities. That has always been my stand point, and it is not likely to change in this lifetime. Or any other lifetime.

One of my mom's sisters is mentally handicapped. She would still come camping with us every year, came to every family event, and in general, was just one of the family. She still is. We kids liked her because she never yelled at us, was willing to sit and color with us, and had no qualms about sitting down to watch a Disney movie. Preferably Cinderella - it's her favorite. No one in my entire extended family ever treated her any different than anyone else. We don't talk to her like she is a little kid. We don't make decisions for her. She is her own person and can make choices for herself. She has far more intelligence than people give her credit for, and understands everything you say. There is no need to treat her any different, and we would never dream of it.

It could be that I am more comfortable with handicapped people because I grew up around it, and it was never seen as anything different. I don't know. I would like to think that I am just a rational, thoughtful person, and treat everyone as an equal. It just makes me very annoyed when other people are not the same. I suppose I should be more forgiving, not everyone grew up as I did. Not everyone has been taught the same values and morals. But at the same time, common sense says, no shouts: PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE. Treat them as such. There is no need to be condescending or degrading. No need for snide comments, askew glances, and cruel snickers. Totally unecessary. It doesn't matter if someone is a little different. It doesn't matter is someone is a lot different. We have all been created unique, and we should view that as a wonderful thing! Our differences teach others as well. I really don't understand how that can be viewed as a bad thing.

Anyway, I guess point I am trying to make is that I love it when people automatically treat her as normal. We went to a housewarming party last weekend, because I was working with her. Everyone there was completely awesome. And she has a better time as well, because she does not feel self-concious in any way. We had a splendid time. Really quite swell! (A little overboard with the ancient vernacular. Sorry.)

Love is what makes the difference I think. Spread love. Love will spread acceptance. Acceptance will spread tolerance. Tolerance will spread love. Endless cycle of love. Sounds good, doesn't it?

5 Things I Like About Me Today!

2006-07-12T13:27:00.000-06:00

1. I'm damn hot.
2. Love my short haircut!
3. Pretty pedicured feet.
4. Awesome smile.
5.Wearing Pink and feeling good!

Should I feel bad?

2006-07-11T15:01:00.000-06:00

Last night was not quite my best night ever. I went straight to work from work, as usual. Only thing is, everyone at the movie store was quite grouchy. The first thing that I heard when I got there was a litany of my incompetence according to the assistant manager. She, being newly promoted, was just on a power trip, I'm sure. However... I'm not one to take unfounded criticism well.

I should learn to smile, nod, and keep my big mouth shut. Instead, my brain cannot seem to stop the synapses from firing, and the verbal diarrhea from coming out of my mouth. Last week had been one of our busiest weeks (kids just out of school for the summer, and all that), I had a broken arm (cut me a little slack for that one?), I was training someone new (still being new myself). To me, these are reasonable reasons for the minor (and I do mean minor) things that had happened last week.

She, of course, immediately went on the offensive, and told me that she could put me on a RAD (something to do with disciplining...) for even saying anything. I turned around, and walked away. Perhaps not the smartest thing one could do, you might be thinking. At that moment, however, I had no other options. If I had not, I have a very strong feeling I would have been fired on the spot.

I'm tired. I work 3 jobs, and I nearly quit last night, due to a few people with attitude problems from lack of sleep (myself included). I was so close to telling her where to go and how to get there. And then walk out. Well, at least, knowingly remove myself from the option of ever working there again. I'm still debating on whether or not I even want to show up for work tonight.

Suprisingly, I really don't give a damn. I always work hard, and I feel horrible when I am not giving 100% on the job. I hate the idea of someone thinking I am a poor employee. I know my worth in the workplace, and damn, I'm good. But apparently good is not good enough, and I am already too overworked to try and put anymore effort into it. The sad thing is that my other jobs are suffering because of the movie store. Which could very well be the reason that I could care less if I never showed up for work again.

So should I feel bad? Maybe. But I really don't.

Beauty

2006-07-07T13:42:00.000-06:00

This morning, I got up, took a shower, did my hair and makeup, got dressed, you know, the usual. But there is a difference today. I feel beautiful. I look beautiful. It got me thinking. Who sets this standard of what is beautiful and what is not?

Why should I let someone else tell me if I am beautiful or not. If I think it is so, then it is. According to some ancient "wisdom", Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Pardon my language, but I call bullshit. People have been telling us what beautiful is for centuries. No wonder the human race is so screwed up.

Every person on this planet would grow up with a healthy idea of what they, themselves think of beauty, if society would not interfere. I truly believe this. No one telling you what they think of so and so, and how about that person over there? No more magazines saying, wow, look, this celebrity got fat, and this one lost too much weight. Personally, if we would stay out of their lives, I think Hollywood would be that much healthier in terms of body image.

But forget about Hollywood. Forget about the media. Let's talk about me. (I wanna talk about me, wanna talk about, I wanna talk about #1, oh my me my - Sorry, could not resist the Toby Keith reference. Funny guy) I have a low self image on most days. I worry about what people think of me in this shirt, what about that skirt, can I hide my little tummy? What about my legs? How much of them can I show? All that kind of crap. And that's really all it is. Crap. Bull shit. Worth nothing!

I used to cover up everything. No sleeves shorter than 3/4, no shorts, capris had to reach at least mid-calf. A couple of weeks ago, my mom came to visit me. She is a short, loving, awesome, somewhat round person. (I look like her, only 6 inches taller...I'm a little more spread out.) She was wearing shorts, and a tank top. Nothing really skimpy, we don't really go for that, thick straps are the thing. (Plus we need to cover up the monstrous straps to the major support bras holding up our "girls".) Anyway, back to the point. She looked nice. She always looks nice. Clean, neat, tanned from being outside all the time. Her arms were showing, and so were her legs. She doesn't care. My dad doesn't care, he still loves her. None of us kids ever cared, and I don't remember any of our friends ever commenting, "Wow, your mom should not wear shorts." No one. She does not even think it herself. So why did I think it of myself? Mental defect from years of self punishment, I guess.

So I started wearing sleeveless tops. Pretty much every day, actually. (You should see how tanned my arms are getting!) I have one pair of shorts, that I wear around the yard...I would wear them in public, but they are kind of ripped in a lot of places, and look a little like Daisy Dukes. Of course, I don't look like Daisy Duke in them, but that's besides the point. I have a pair of shorts, and I wear them. I have been looking for more shorts, not that I have had much time to shop, and while I am no longer afraid of my legs, I don't really want them to look like sausages. I may had gotten a little sidetracked again, but the point is this: I am showing a little skin, and I am not afraid of it! I don't feel ugly, I don't feel fat. I feel good.

I may not be a size 2, or even a size 12, but hey, I feel pretty damn good. I look pretty damn good. And nothing has changed. I am still the same size as last summer. Apparently, it was all in my head. Does this suprise me? No. Am I going to be rid of my negative thinking forever? Of course not, don't be stupid. I'm human. But I am going to be able to give myself that hypothetical kick in the ass. (Hypothetical, because really, who can bend like that? Seriously!)

I look damn good. I feel damn good. I am my own idea of beauty today. It's a good change.

Paix - en Francais

2006-07-04T14:15:00.000-06:00

J'avais l'habitude de détester ma vie. Maintenant que j'ai la direction, je suis plus heureux. Je suis si heureux je me suis donné que coup-de-pied dans l'Ass. Et cela j'ai de tels amis merveilleux qui sont concession de support. Merci Dieu ! Merci de la paix de l'esprit. Paix de coeur. Paix d'âme. Merci.

Peace

2006-07-03T09:23:00.000-06:00

Sorry about the absense guys. Its been a little hard to type, and since the pain is pretty much all the way gone, it is not such a hardship anymore. Although the brace still gets in the way, but hey, if I start getting bogged down by perfectionism now, no one will ever see this post, and I would have to delete my entire blog, and I'm just not willing to go that route.

So I have been working a lot lately. Too much. And I was starting to get pretty depressed. I was always sooo excited to see my family, or any of my friends from down south. Or when I would go and visit, I would be literally giddy with joy on the drive down. But the last day...the day I had to go home, I would be in the worst mood possible. Wanting to drive my car straight, even though the road curves. Just keep on going and see what happens... Not a good thing. Or the day that people were leaving, having this insane wish to throw myself at their feet and beg them to take me with them.

And then I started to be angry all the time. Always mad that no one could tell I was unhappy. Of course I was trying to hide it, I think every depressed person does, but still. The people closest to me should have been able to tell. Some glimpse of despair must have shone through. Some one should have known that I was unhappy. Depressed. Wanting. Something. Anything. I have to keep reminding myself that no one could have known. I have become very good at hiding it. Something may have poked through for a moment, but if I refused to acknowledge it, people would move on! Still, try to reconcile that with a moody bitch of a brain.

Finally I went to the doctor. I described what was going on. Yes, I work a lot, but when I am not at work, all I want to do is sleep. No, I have not really been eating. Sudden mood changes? Oh yeah. Not wanting to do my work at work? I guess that is true as well. Would you like a prescription to this medication?

Instant flashback to my first 2 years of high school. 2 years of living hell. Walking through life in a haze. Feeling nothing. Not happy, not sad, not angry, just numb. Taking myself off them because I wanted to live a real life, not some imitation of it. Do I want the drugs? No. In all reality, I don't.

He strongly cautioned me, saying that something has to change then, or these feelings are going to get worse. I promised to be careful, do some serious soul searching, and come back to him if things still were not going well in a couple of weeks. I seriously doubt that he ever expected to see me again.

But I did as I had promised. I searched my soul. Asked myself what I wanted. Is there something in my life that I am unhappy with? What would make me happier? I made a list. Anything that popped into my head. Everything that I could think of. Took me a few hours. I had 2 pages of things. And then I started crossing off the unimportant things. The ones I could deal with. And left the ones I knew were absolutely essential to change or I would have to take the drugs, which I desperately did not want to do.

1. I want to go back to school.
2. I miss home.
3. I don't mind my job, but I don't really love it.
4. I am not happy with my living situation.

So there I had it. These were the things that I needed to consider.

1. I was planning to take some night courses, to get my upgrading done, so that I could go back to school. But when I really thought about it, I'm afraid. If I am working more than full time, and I am trying to take these courses, I won't be putting my full attention to them, so what if I fail? Then I will have to start all over again, and be that much farther away from starting my nursing course. So what is the answer? Find something that is less stressful, somewhere I don't have to work as much, so I have time to concentrate.

2. I really am homesick. Not homesick in the way that most people would think of it. Not, oh goodness, I can't live without my mommy. That's not it. Not that I don't miss my family. I do. But I do see them quite often, and I am not paralyzed by the absense of my family. I miss the familiarity. Going into Wal-mart on a Saturday, and running into 15 people that I know. Someone giving me their address, and the general area, and me being able to find it no problem. Being able to call a friend when I am bored and say, hey girl, let's go see a movie, go for a walk, have coffee, etc. All things that I can't do here. I have been here for 6 months. Made no real friends. Still have no clue where almost anything is. I hate that. I might as well have come from the moon. Solution? Go back. Go home.

3. As I said, I don't mind my job. And I come everyday. But it is not the reason I get up in the morning. It's just that, well, I don't even know if I can explain it. At the beginning, I reorganized the office. Everything was spotless. I made changes, good changes. I liked my clean desk, my job, everything. A pay raise was hinted at. Of course, this pay raise never materialized. No one cared that it was nice and clean and organized. So I stopped caring. I do what I have to. Nothing more. Nothing less. I feel bad about it, because it is not like me to not give 110% on the job. I don't like feeling this way. But I can't seem to pull myself out of this rut. I want to be that perky receptionist from the beginning. I want to keep cleaning and organizing. So everyone can see how awesome I am. But I just don't care enough to do it. I should not be here. They deserve better. Someone who wants to be here everyday. Someone like I was at the beginning. Someone who will make this office a better place.

4. I want to live in a place that I don't avoid coming home to. Somewhere that I can come home, and cook, and eat, and clean after myself, without all the resentment of having to deal with someone else's shit before I can deal with my own. Somewhere that my tv is MY tv. Where I can cook when someone else is cooking, because who cares if 2 people are using the stove. Somewhere that I can do laundry without having to fold the load in the dryer, and empty the lint screen from 300 dryer loads, and sarcastically wonder nothing ever gets dry, and we need to change the dryer hose every month. Where I don't have to wipe up the piss from all over the bathroom floor because someone does not know how to aim. (God, it comes away from your body. You can hold it with both hands if necessary. How hard can it be? Seriously!) Where the meaning of clean dishes means sparkly and spotless, not smeared, smudged, and flakes leftover.

Once I had all that out, it was clear to me. Do I want to stay here? Or do I want to go home. Will I be happier here if I change these things? The resounding answer was NO. GO HOME. And that was it.

Complete feeling of peace. Utter and total bliss. No more depressing thoughts. No more stress. Go home. Home. Home. Home. The word fills me with joy. I am happy. Like I have not been happy in a long time. And I knew. I need this. Home. Peace. Peace of mind. Peace of heart. Peace of soul. Peace.

So I started making plans. I made an appointment at the college back home. I met with a student advisor. I met with someone in charge of scholarships and bursaries. I registered. I made an appointment for (YUCK!!) math testing. (They need to see what level I am at because it has been awhile since I took math.) I have a phone appointment, so we can discuss my scores, and put me in the right courses. I talked to my mom and dad. They will let me live with them for free until they move in January. I can save money for school. I can pay off a few more bills. They don't mind. I am so glad. It will be weird to live with them again, but I can handle it for 4 months. I told my boss. I let her know I was homesick and that I wanted to go back to school with no distractions. She took it very well. I don't think she was suprised. She knew something was wrong. The other 2 places that I work know I am leaving, they just don't know when. My room mate knows I am going, he was not really suprised either. He seemed okay with it. No big blow up, nothing like I was expecting. Maybe people saw more than I thought.

Now that all this is in place, I feel so much better. No drugs needed. I am excited. I want the time to be up already. Still 8 more weeks. Can I do it? Yep. I can, and I will. Because there is now a light at the end of the tunnel. I am at peace with the world and myself. There is still a lot of work ahead, because I will have to move (AGAIN!) and train a new receptionist at the office. Packing, cleaning, training, man, I am gonna be tired. But it will be worth it.

Peace out peoples!

~!~Peace~!~

The Biggest Clutz?

2006-06-23T09:19:00.000-06:00

Rest assured folks, you are sitting here reading the blog of the biggest clutz ever! Okay, maybe not ever, I tend to exaggerate, but still. How many people do you know that break their arm tripping over their own feet?

Well, if your answer was none, you may add me to your list. Yup, that's right. Me. Broken arm. As of Wednesday night. Or was it Thursday morning. I guess it would have been, because I did not get out of work until around midnight.

So here is the funny story that you are free to share with your friends.

Laura is closing at work, because it is only the second time she has done it herself, it takes a little longer than usual. She is tired, because she has been working 14 hour days for the past little while. So finally everything is taken care of, and she does not want to have to go back in the store for a bag for all the crap she is carrying in her hands. So she leaves it, barely able to see over the pile in her arms. So after the door is locked she heads to her car, not really watching her step. She feels slightly off balance, and as she steps off the curb, finds herselF FALLING. Smashes her left side on the curb, and catches herself on the right. Her left wrist hurts a little, but that is the same wrist she has tendonitis in. Maybe she just banged it a little. Goes to bed. Wakes up the next morning, and her whole left arm is numb! Panics, goes to emergency. Finds out that there is a small crack in the bone. Has to wear her brace for 2 weeks. Take some T3s. Yay.

I was thinking about making up a good story so that it would be more interesting at least. But alas, my drugged up brain can come up with nothing. The post might be a little dis-jointed, can be attributed to the aforementioned medication. And you have no idea how crappy it is to type SLOWLY with one hand when you are used to clicking things out at rapid speeds.

At least they did not cast it. Then it would be hard to shower. I can take off my brace to shower. Small comforts I guess.

Clutz? Yes. Me.

Ass Hole!

2006-06-20T09:42:00.000-06:00

So there is this guy I know. And I think he is a little tiny bit hot. Well, a lot actually. I have danced with him a couple of times, we have flirted a bit, and I thought, well, maybe, he is a little bit interested.

Turns out that he is an asshole. He said, and I quote:

"You are nice, but I'm sorry, I could never date a fat girl."

Do I feel like shit? Yep. Do I feel less than desirable? No. Because everytime I was dancing with this particular guy, there was hard evidence that he was not immune to close contact with me, regardless of size, so I know he was at least interested in that....

So apparently his only issue is being seen in public with a "fat" girlfriend. Which I am working on anyway. Why is it that all people care about is what you can see from the outside? I think it sucks. Get over yourself buddy. I deserve better.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

2006-06-14T18:05:00.000-06:00

Saw this and could not stop laughing. Had to share. Sounds like my house!

Friendship - in the true sense!

2006-06-14T08:50:00.001-06:00

Are you sick of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound like Hallmark cards, and never come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speak to true friendship:

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you've finally had sex.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and tell you to quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath ...I pledge it till the end. Why, you ask?Because you are my friend.

Remember:
A good friend will help you move.
A really good friend will help you move a body.
Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.

I got this in an email from a really good friend, and while most of you may have seen it already, it describes most of my friendships to a tee. Except for the sick part. I always get it anyway, so I stick around. Chicken soup anyone?

Family

2006-06-12T09:32:00.000-06:00

I have never understood what it is about family. What it is that makes us need one. Is it the feeling of emotional intimacy? Is it more some kind of physical closeness? A blood connection?

I am blessed. I am lucky. I have a family who loves me. They love each other. They are warm, open, giving, and kind. We have no skeletons in our closets. There used to be some problems, but after help, they are all gone now. We are close. I love it.

I know people who have no family. Either by choice or by force. They always seem to be searching for some kind of replacement. Something is missing. They are not whole. They surround themselves with friends, people they can substitute for family. (Don't get me wrong, I do this too...) What is it that makes us act this way?

And then I think of the people who are abused. I had a friend who was badly abused by his mom. She hit him, and screamed at him, and landed him in the hospital on more than one occasion. And yet, he still tried to be a "good boy". He tried so desperatly to make her love him. Tried in vain to make them like a "normal" family. (He is married to a wonderful girl, and his mom is completely out of his life now.)

I have been wondering if family is a concept of society or if it is something natural. Some kind of instinct. Think about it. Some animals, gorillas for instance, stay in large groups their whole lives. Lions send away the male young as soon as they reach maturity. Bears are solitary animals once their young can fend for themselves. Seems to me that we have all kinds of humans too.

I, for one, crave that contact. The emotional intimacy. The sense of physical well-being (by that I mean when I am sick, I want my mommy.) I will never function well without a family. It just makes me wonder. I don't think it makes me weak, but at the same time, I am weak. Just food for thought I guess.

Yay!

2006-06-09T09:26:00.000-06:00

So my mom and dad and little sister are coming to visit me this weekend. I am excited about this. I have not seen them in 3 weeks. I suppose that is not a long time to some people, but I miss them. And I am excited to see them. Only thing is, they will be here at around 9:30 pm. I have to work until 12:30 am. So really, I won't get to see them until tomorrow. Which kind of stinks. But hey, such is life. Really busy here at work, so I shall leave you with this.

To put the world right in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order; to put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right.

Confucius

Clunk

2006-06-06T09:51:00.000-06:00

So here I sit, nursing quite possibly the worst head ache I have ever had. What happened? Well, a shelf fell on my head. And it hurts. I can barely see straight, can't concentrate, and somehow I need to make it through the day. I wonder if I can get worker's comp. Doubt it. I think that's all I can manage for now. Sorry guys.

Bulls in a China Shop - NO! - Laura in a Donut Shop

2006-06-01T08:52:00.000-06:00

So today is one of the realtor's wedding anniversary, and I was asked to stop at Tim Horton's this morning to pick up a box of donuts to celebrate the occasion. Rather than go through drive-thru and have them hate me forever, I thought I should go in. Now I am wondering if I should have gone the drive-thru route, and damn the criticism.

Actual Situation:
Laura is standing in line for the till, when a young mother with her son get in line behind me. When it was my turn, I ordered 24 assorted donuts to go (for the office) and a medium iced capp and a BLT bagel (for me). Not to shabby, I thought. I had to go for the office anyway, so what the heck, right? Then I turned the side a bit, and caught the horrified glance of the young woman behind me. She looked as though someone had just tried to force-feed her a balloon. Her eyes were popping out of her head, and her mouth flapped in the wind of her breath not finding the words she was searching for. I instantly understood what she was assuming. She thought I was ordering all this food FOR ME!!! 2 things ran through my head.

Hypothetical Scenario #1:
I would turn to her and say "Aren't anniversary's wonderful? One of my co-workers has his 18th! Isn't that great? Hardly anyone stays married that long anymore. We are having a little get-together for him this morning, and he requested donuts."
Her mouth would close, she would lose the look of glazed terror, and feel slightly ashamed of herself.

Hypothetical Scenario #2:
The clerk would hand me the 2 large boxes of donuts, I would drop my purse, rip open my sweater ala The Hulk style, and dive face first into the boxes of donuts like I had not eaten in a week, and it was my only hope of survival. Of course, I would be looking up occasionally and growling at the other patrons, as if they were going to steal my delicious feast. In my mind's eye, I saw the judgemental young mother turn to her son and say, "See, this is why it is so scary to become fat! You would never want to be like her, would you?"

Actual Situation:
I stared at her until she realised she was staring, she blushed and looked down. I picked up the 2 boxes, and the small bag containing my breakfast, thanked the teller politely, and walked out of the store with my head held high.

I seriously don't understand people. Okay, I am a little bit bigger, but it's not like I am morbidly obese or anything. I carry a few extra pounds, so what? A lot of people do. But to have that kind of reaction? Hello! It's Tim Horton's. Tons of people make big orders, you know why? Because they are ordering for more than one person! I wanted to yell and scream and freak out.

But I didn't.

After all, I still have to live in this town.

It might have been fun to be known as the crazy donut lady though....

Oh Dear Me

2006-05-31T09:34:00.000-06:00

I thought I was being so good. I had not been to any fast food joints in a couple of weeks. This morning, I had no milk left, therefore, no cereal, and I could not be late for work. Rather than searching fruitlessly through my house for something edible, I broke down and went to Mickey-D's for breaky. I always get the Breakfast Burritos, somehow my brain thinks they are healthier than anything else there, but in truth, I really doubt it. Anyway, I pull up to the window, hand the guy my debit card, and he starts to ask if I want my debit reciept. Then he looks up, recognizes me, and says he remembers that I never take it. (I don't.)

Oh d-d-d-dear. It's pretty sad when the people at McDonalds recognize you. (I suppose I should clarify that I don't know this guy from anywhere else. I would remember if I did. He is cute. A little too young maybe, but cute nonetheless.) I thought I was doing so good! No fast food in quite a while.

I suppose, in my defense, that I was there every day for about 3 weeks in February, because I was lazy, and for some reason, just did not give a shit that it was fast food. But still. Then he has a pretty good memory.

Is it just me? Or do you think it is sad when the peeps at McDs know you?

Oh dear.

Hooray for Boobies!

2006-05-30T10:30:00.000-06:00

Okay, okay, I know it's a bit of a strange title, but there is an explanation, I promise.

As you already know from the last post, I got another job. I started said job last night. There is a dress code. Red collared shirt and khaki pants. I, of course, had no such type of clothing in my wardrobe, so over the weekend I took advantage of Value Village and the wonders of bargain hunting, and outfitted myself.

So yesterday was my first shift at the movie rental store, and I showed up in really soft faux-suede pants (khaki does not even begin to describe these pants, they are more of a rich camel-type color, and they are gorgeous!!) and a red, embroidered, short sleeved blouse. I felt kind of weird, because I have not had to wear a uniform or specific dress code for years, but somehow still felt like I was looking pretty nice. I need to fix a button, so it was open a little farther than it would be normally, but not too much cleavage was showing, only a tiny bit if I bent over, so I was not worried.

Things were going well, I was learning away, and the other girl I was working with was very friendly. A couple of really cute guys came in, and asked where they could find the X-box games. I showed them where they were, and went back to filing away the returned movies. A few of them happened to be on the other side of the X-box games. (And that actually was not on purpose!) I overheard a conversation between the 2 hotties, one of whom was blonde, and somewhat short and smallish (hot boy#1), and the other was dark, tall, and very football player-type strong shaped (hot boy#2).

(Hot boy#2) "She was nice, hey?"
(Hot boy#1) "She was kinda fat though, didn't you see?"
Oooh! Jerk!
(Hot boy#2) "Not so much. Could be worse. I thought she was kinda hot. Nice ass."
What? You think I have a nice ass? I think I have a fat ass. But THANKYOU!!!
(Hot boy#1) "You ever fucked a fat chick?"
Whoah! Where is this conversation going? Maybe I should move. I didn't.
(Hot boy#2) "No, but I would. I've heard they are more fun."
(Hot boy#1) "They can be. So long as you don't mind a few rolls. But the tits are great."
Hmm. I should really stop listening. What if they see me.
(Hot boy#2) "I did not look. Man. I should have, hers were probably nice."

So at this point, I should have been offended and disgusted that these guys were standing here, discussing women (and me!) as pieces of meat. Strangly (or not so much so) I was not at all. I was, in a way, flattered. The tall dark haired one had readily admitted that he thought I was nice and hot. With a nice ass. I don't think I have ever heard those words before. *Swoon*

I took off back to my computer so they would not know that I had heard. They chose their game and took it to the checkout counter. I was watching the other girl put them through, so that I could learn (and of course get another good look at Hot boy #2, who, upon second look, was extremely good looking, and should have been hot boy#1 because he was by far the hottest of the two).

I smiled at him, he smiled back, and, knowing I was looking at him, totally checked out my rack! And looked back at me. And smiled bigger. I could almost see the dirty thoughts in his head. And felt the echos in mine. He winked. I nearly fainted.

As they walked out the door, my co-worker said "Come back soon."

Hottie McHotBoy hollered back, with another wink and a decidedly bad-boy glint in his eye, "Don't worry, we will!"

I swear to you, the only thought in my head as they left was....

Hooray for Boobies!

2 + 1 = Exhaustion...Also known as Fake it 'til you Make it.

2006-05-26T11:05:00.000-06:00

So today is Friday. Most people would be ecstatic. Some time off, laze around, do some errands, whatever. Not me. No, what does Laura do with her weekends? She works. (Well, I guess I took off for southern AB to see my family last weekend, but hell, 4 hours of driving each way is work.) Don't get me wrong, I need my weekend job, so I can pay off bills and go back to school, but still. I'm tired. All I want to do is go see X-men 3 tonight, and curl up in bed early, and sleep until 2 p.m. tomorrow.

So I'm tired already with 2 jobs, and what did I do last night? I got myself another one. Yes, that's right, Yours Truly now has a third job. I will be the newest employee at a local video rental store. Do I really want to work there? No. Will I still do my best and make everyone think I do? Yes. I'm good at faking like that. Fake it 'til you make it.

I think that will be my new motto. Fake being awake until you are. Fake being pleasant to everyone, until the grouchiness subsides. Fake loving working every single minute of my day, until it is at least a numb spot instead of wishing I was home at sleep.

So now, as of Monday, I will be working 8:30-5:00 at my regular job, 5:05ish-11:00 at my second job, and still be up at 6:30 for the gym every morning. Not to mention the 24 hour care weekends once or twice a month. Am I going to want to die? Hell yes. Am I going to do it anyway? Hell yes.

Hopefully I will be too busy to eat. Maybe I will lose some weight. As long as I keep going to the gym I will be fine. No quitting for me. Fake loving getting up at an un-godly hour every day. (Yes 6:30 is un-godly. We are talking about a girl who would gladly sleep until 11 everyday if she could get away with it.)

*Sigh* I'm doing it all to myself. But I will fake loving it...I will fake it 'til I make it.

Sometimes I hate my life....

2006-05-24T14:23:00.000-06:00

I feel like shit today. I think I'm a bitch.

Last night, I got home from work, and the first thing I did was check to make sure that my roomie (not so smart cousin Bill) was not home. And was disgusted at how pleased I was when I discovered he was not. I was completely revolted when I noticed that he had made a huge mess before he left for work. So I cleaned it all up as I fumed. (I have somehow become a neat freak, which scares me, as it goes against my entire life's pattern.) I even did the unthinkable. I went into his room to check for dishes. Normally, I would find that a huge invasion of privacy, but for some reason, I felt justified in doing so last night. Then I baked banana bread, and swore at it when it would not come out of the pan.

I started a batch of chocolate chip cookies. Then NSSC Bill comes home. And turns off the timer on the microwave, just so he can warm up his effing chilli. Which stank worse than any kind of alcohol induced vomit I have ever been around. Made me want to bash his head in. At least rub his face in it. So he makes a huge mess all over the kitchen I have JUST cleaned, and he has the audacity to stand there and laugh about it! Oh, man, was I ever steamed. To top it all off, the cookies that were in the oven burnt. So the smoke detector goes off. GOSH I hate that sound. I think that must be the theme song for hell. Either that or an alarm clock beep. One of the two. Anyway.

So after I scrape all the burnt cookies into the garbage, totally clean the kitchen AGAIN, and take out the garbage, I am ready to relax for a little while before I take off to bed. I grab the new-to-me movie from my garage sale bargain bag from this past weekend, and go to pop it in MY vcr. Only to hear

What are you doing?

Well, I am going to watch The Rock. You know, Sean Connery, Nicholas Cage, take over of Alcatraz? I got it for a dollar and...

(abruptly cuts me off) You can't. I have a show to watch. (Grabs remote and starts flicking channels.)

I just about lost it. Instead, I bit my tongue, went to the bathroom, washed my face, and tried to calm down. Strolled back into the kitchen, finished putting everything away, and then said,

You know, you have a tv in your room. I can help you hook it up.

Why? That's stupid. I like this one better.

(AAARRRGGG!! Maybe because it is mine, and I want to use it. And because I am sick of you being retarded? But I did not say that out loud.) I'm sorry, maybe I should move it into my bedroom then. I think it might be better for me. Then I don't have to argue with you about it.

What do you mean? You can't just do that!

Watch me.

Needless to say, I got my way. And there will be a talk coming very soon about how things are going to go or he is going to go. My aunt, his mom, whom I love very much might hate me forever, but I will not live like this. It is my stuff, in our house, and he is free to use it, but not wreck it or act like he owns it. Not a chance!

So I think I am a bitch. It should not bother me. But it does.

Why?

2006-05-23T15:28:00.000-06:00

I don't normally post more than once in a day, but today I feel the need to say this.

I have a friend. Well, she is more of an aquaintance than a friend. A friend of a friend you might say. I don't see her very often, but when I do, I'm glad I don't see her more often.

Here's the down-low on her. She is negative about everything. And when I say everything, I mean everything!! For example:

I'm going back to school. ~~~ Oh, you should wait until you have more money.
I got this awesome new skirt. ~~~ You will probably shrink it right away.
I can't afford to go out for dinner. ~~~ You probably spent your whole check right away.
I'm saving money. ~~~ Yeah, until next week when you want something.
I like my car. ~~~ It's a piece of shit, and is gonna die soon.

AAAAAHHHHHH!!!! I hate it! I don't even know her that well, and she never has anything good to say. She does not know me well enough to make these judgements about me, nevermind say it out loud. She is rude, obnoxious, thinks she knows everything and everyone, and she gets on my nerves.

The worst part about it, is that she can be so nice. She is a wonderful friend to my friend, and she has a wonderful heart. I feel bad that I don't really like her, but I make my tongue bleed everytime I am around her. I bite it so often, I'm suprised there is anything left of it.

Why do some people have to be so negative about everything? There are wonderful things in this life, and having faith in people can inspire them to even bigger and better things! How can that possibly be bad? What good are you if you refuse to have a good thought about your friends, and their friends?

I am, in general, a very positive person. I like people, I like being around people, and I am easy to get along with. I don't know if this person reads my blog, or if she will know who she is if she reads this post, but I feel the need to say this. Be positive. It makes a world of difference.

I'm so Sorry

2006-05-23T09:05:00.000-06:00

So on Friday, I headed down south to see my family. I left the office a little early, hoping to get a head start on all the holiday traffic.

I was about 45 mins to an hour into my drive, window down, music up, everything just flowing, when I had to abrubtly slam on the brakes. Traffic was backed up in front of me for at least a few kilometres.

So I sat, engine idling, music still cranked, me fuming, and wished I had a smoke. My phone was out of service, so I could not even phone someone and chat to pass the time. I pulled a book out of my back pack, and spent my time reading a page, glancing up, moving my car ahead a foot, and then repeating the cycle. Of course, added into the equation was me grumbling, complaining, and in general, thinking bad thoughts about the idiot somewhere in front of me that was causing all this mess. Construction? Checkpoint? What the heck is going on?

And then, as I am diverted off the hiway for a detour, I see the van. What is left of it, that is. A green minivan. The top of the van was totally crushed, a carseat barely visible through the gaping hole that had once been a side door. The trailer it was pulling had left peices of itself all over the road. I turned off my radio. The gentleman setting out the pylons for the detour comments, "They figure the trailer was too heavy for the van. Rolled about eight times or so. Oh, ma'am you can go now, have a good weekend. Sorry for the delay."

I drove away silently, feeling ashamed to the depths of my bones. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I didn't really mean those things I was thinking. I hope those people are okay. I'm so sorry. Please help me to be cautious in my driving. Help me to be patient and arrive safely. Be with the family that was hoping for a wonderful holiday weekend. I'm so sorry God. Help me to appreciate my family and my holiday weekend.

Oh God, I'm so sorry about the green van.

Long Weekend? Not long enough....

2006-05-19T12:55:00.000-06:00

So I'm off for the weekend. Off to see my family and friends. I get to hang out with my sisters, my nephews, and hopefully get a tan. Am I excited? You bet I am! 4 hour drive, yeah sure, but it's worth it. I can't wait. 3 days off work instead of 2. Which means I will not be exhausted when I get home. Relax. That is my aim for the weekend.

I hope you all have a good weekend as well. TTFN. Until Tuesday peoples. Yes!

Top 5's

2006-05-18T13:57:00.000-06:00

Top 5 things I love

1. Friends who you can call at 3 a.m. and they won't hang up on you.
2. Feeling comfortable enough to say anything.
3. Getting checked out by a cute guy when I think I look bad, its a reality check.
4. Fitting into 2 sizes smaller pants. (Yay curves!)
5. Sitting outside in the shade, in the heat, with a slight cool breeze and a book.

Top 5 things I hate

1. Room mates who won't clean.
2. People who pick fights.
3. People who never have anything good to say. They always think the worst of a situation.
4. Clothes ruined because someone else never learned how to do laundry.
5. Bubble bursters. (When you are enjoying something and someone else ruins it just because they can.)

What are your top 5s?

YES!!!!

2006-05-16T11:53:00.000-06:00

So I got this wonderful piece of mail yesterday. I got my Income Tax Rebate. Now since I worked for evil, soul-sucking company *C, and they took off way too many taxes, I was expecting a couple hundred bucks. But then I remembered that I had not put my (2 years ago) tuition on the last year's return. So I added that on, and was expecting to be able to pay off a credit card. Maybe. So, with great trepidation, I opened the envelope. And nearly fell over in shock! This was way more than I had expected. So I did what any normal girl would have. I got caught up on all my bills, and saved a little for myself. Ok, since I also got paid yesterday, I gave m'self a little more than I had intended. $200 for me and $200 for my savings account. And the rest went to bills. Which I felt soooo good about, you have no idea! So what did I get for $200 you might ask? Tons! All of my clothes were falling apart (3 pairs of pants ripped from worn out use in the last 2 weeks, and bleach stains (thanks smart roomie!) on most of my favorite shirts, and my work shoes split all the way across the heel from 5 months of non-stop wear, now leaking.)and I wanted a few things for a long time. So here's the break down on the Queen of Bargain Shopping!

1. Brand new pair of dark wash jeans - 13.33
2. New work out T-shirt - 8.99
3. Work shoes - 24.99
4. Ice pops - 0.99
5. CD rack - 8.97
6. CD scratch repair kit - 9.87
7. Beautiful fake plant (I kill real ones) - 9.92
8. Awesome pink tank top with silver beading - 12.98
9. White shrug - 14.87
10. Gorgeous white and pink flowered beaded skirt - 17.77
11. Blue yarn (for baby blanket for cousin) - 5.97
12. New crochet hooks - 3.47
13. Last but not least, something purely for enjoyment - The complete 1st season DVD set of Charmed - 43.98

Not too shabby eh? I have shoes that don't make my feet wet, a new outfit that I feel awesome in, and something to do in the evenings for the next month! I can also fix and organize my CD collection, which will make me feel better as I have been wanting to do so for ages and ages. And finally, I can make my now 2 month old cousin his baby gift, while losing myself in the pure, unadulterated joy of mindless entertainment. I still have a few dollars left, which I may just use to purchase some beads, so as to have supplies for future birthday gifts. I'd say I spent fairly wisely. And now I am all caught up on my bills, and I feel better about my life in general. Hows that for ya? It worked wonders for me!

The Old Woman and the Wine Jar

2006-05-15T10:52:00.000-06:00

An old woman found an empty jar which had lately been full of prime old wine and which still retained the fragrant smell of its former contents. She greedily placed it several times to her nose, and drawing it backwards and forwards said, "O most delicious! How nice must the Wine itself have been, when it leaves behind in the very vessel which contained it so sweet a perfume!"

The memory of a good deed lives.

Burnt Toast = Freebies

2006-05-11T09:16:00.000-06:00

So apparently, having the slightest thing wrong with your consumer goods gets you free stuff. Crazy. This morning, I was having my usual breakfast, cereal with milk. And in my wonderfully satisfying bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch (I know, not so healthy, at least I eat breakfast.) and I bite down, and have the nastiest taste in my mouth. There is a very burnt chunk of what should have been sugary frosted goodness. So, being the former call center employee that I am, what do I do? I call up the little number on the side of the box to complain. (I was a little tired, and cranky from not enough sleep, give me a break.) So I call, wait on hold for like, 30 seconds, and then this very perky girl comes on the line, asking me how she can help.

Me: "Well, um, I was eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch this morning, and there was a big burnt chunk in it." (Realising as I say this that it is completely retarded, and why am I calling?)
Perky Girl: "Oh, I'm so sorry about that! Were there lots of burnt pieces? And can you describe them to me, please."
Me: "Um, I guess about 4, and they are just really dark, and were stuck together by the sugary stuff." (Really its a stupid thing to call about, I'm sorry, I really should just hang up now..)
Perky Girl: "Can you read me the serial # from the bottom of the box, and the item ID # from the top corner on the top of the box. It should be in a blue square."
Me: "[rattles off the numbers] I don't really know why I called in, I just thought maybe you guys might want to know..." (Ok, Laura, no more calls to 1-800-numbers until after at least 11 am, when you are fully awake and at least somewhat cheerful. Please, let us lose the connection...I feel like such an idiot!)
Perky Girl: "Oh, we certainly want to know, we appreciate our customers, and we aren't happy unless you are happy! I would like to make it up to you if I can miss, would it be all right if we send you a coupon for a free box? Would that make up for your inconvenience today?"
Me: "Uh, sure, thanks!" (Well aren't we just a little frickin' ray of sunshine! Hey..... wait a second.... she is giving me free stuff! What am I complaining for? You go girl!)
Perky Girl: "Is that all you needed today?"
Me: "Yes, thank you, you have been most helpful!"

And so there you have it. Because of a glitch in some cereal making machine somewhere, and my inate morning cheer (yes that is sarcasm), I will now be getting a free box of cereal. Hmmm, I think I am running out of shampoo. Maybe its a little more goopy than the last bottle.....

Woah! Just kidding folks! I'm not that pathetic. *Giggle* At least not all the time!

I suppose I shall be ... Miserly

2006-05-09T13:00:00.000-06:00

Since I am going back to school soon here, and everything always costs more than I think it should, I have made a few "New School" resolutions.

1. No more fast food. It is just as easy to go home and eat last night's leftovers, or make a pack of ichiban soup.

2. No more new clothes. Not that I have bought any new ones in the last 5 months anyway, but heres the thing. I will go through my closet, bring whatever I don't wear to the consignment house, and then the money I get from selling will go toward new-to-me clothes. And I will be doing a lot of sewing.

3. Walk more. Don't drive to work, unless it is raining, get a ride whenever I can.

4. No more gifts. Sigh, this one might be the hardest. I love giving people stuff just to see their reaction! But from now on it will be baking, a cool bag I just made, or a coupon for some demented thing, courtesy of me. Hope no one minds!

Do I really think I can stick to this? I darn well hope so! Because its going to take a lot to get me out of debt later, and if I live like a student my whole life, well, maybe I can actually get somewhere!

Pressure

2006-05-08T15:09:00.000-06:00

Has anyone ever noticed how much pressure we put ourselves under? I'm feeling very stressed out today, and there is no real reason for it. It's busy at work today, but not too busy, my house is a bit of a mess, but nothing an hour would not clear up, I don't have that much money, but I get paid pretty quick here, and I should be at least caught up on all my bills. So why do I feel stressed you might ask? Well, I have formally decided to go back to school.

So can you blame me for being stressed? There is nothing more stressful financially than being a student. Unless, of course, mommy and daddy are rich, and paying for the whole thing. *Sigh* Would that not be awesome? Alas, my mommers and dad are simply middle class, well off, but not to the point of paying for a child's entire 4 years of a degree program. Never mind the fact that they have 4 children. Do it for one, do it for all. They would be working until they were 90! And thats not fair to them. They have worked hard for what they have. Seems right that I should have to work hard for what I have. Unfortunetly, no one told me just how hard that would be.

So while I am stressed out about going back to school, I am also very excited. I have always loved school (not the junior high tormenting, but the actual going-to-school-to-learn type of thing) and I am a good student. An excellent memory for facts, and a simple joy of discovery serve me well in this regard. So I am looking forward to being back in the classroom for the intellectual stimulation.

If only I had a magic wand.... Anyone want to donate to the "Send Laura Back to School Fund"?

Bomb-shell

2006-05-05T10:18:00.000-06:00

So I was watching a make-over show, one of many...sometimes I am pathetic I know! Anyway...so I was watching this show, and there was a "Bomb-shell coach", she was, you know, tall, blonde, and skinny. She was teaching this rather dowdy, short, asian-looking woman to be a "bombe-shell". I was totally suprised, because I thought it would be all about looks. I mean, of course, the aim of the show was to make the dowdy-ish woman look hot, but the aim of the coach was to give the woman more confidence, and I was astounded by the result. Even before the make-up and hair cut and new clothes, she was a totally different person. She had a few rules.

Rule #1: Walk tall, shoulders back, head up, lead with the hips. Walk with a purpose, you know where you are going, you are important, but not too fast.

Rule #2: Always make eye contact with people when you are talking.

Rule #3: Flirt a little.

Rule #4: Have a signature move.

So these are the rules. And they make sense. And as I was watching this show, I noticed that they were really working. She did become more confident, and it was all only in a couple of days!

The girl in the show always chewed on her lower lip. And when I say chewed, it was like she was trying to eat her face! So instead, she learned to sexily bite her lip. It was really cute!

I started to think about it. The more confident you make yourself appear on the outside, sooner or later, you start to feel more confident on the inside. Its like the people who tell the lie so often they start to believe it. I could handle more self confidence! So I started walking like a bombshell. I have noticed (and I usually don't notice these kinds of things, because I don't believe they happen to me...) that a few guys have checked me out. Hmmm. This could be a wonderful idea.

I'm not talking a whole personality change or anything, don't get me wrong! But just add a little oomph! I've got the walking part down. Eye contact has never really been a problem for me (unless the person is really creepy, then I have trouble...) The flirting I don't do much, but I can always change that. I won't be hardcore hitting on people, thats a little overboard, but a little smile and a brush of the arm never hurt anyone. Now just to think of a signature move.......

How does everyone feel about a sexy/playful (depending on who it is for) wink?

What a Joke!!

2006-05-02T12:12:00.000-06:00

So I get this post card in the mail today......from.....oh......wait for it........my former employer!

The shit hole that drained away all my sanity and 18 months of my life! So, word for word, here is the post card, and (my thoughts on the wonderful thing!)

Dear Laura,

How's everything been going with you? (I'm fabulous! I don't work for you anymore, how could I be any better?) We've never been better over here at C* (of course you are better, you can't go anywhere but up when you are the bottom of the barrel!) but we have recognized that we couldn't have done it without people like you (Damn rights! All the little peons that you, well pee-on). I'm sure you recall all the great perks we had to offer, such as: tuition reimbursement (and if you are not a full-time student, well, you are screwed, sorry), company paid Alberta Health Care premiums (wow!), company paid benefits (medical, dental, and vision) (okay, those were pretty good), diversity, opportunity for advancement and paid training (not to mention the creepy bosses who hit on you, the screaming and yelling, the rudeness of both staff and customers... lets see, what did I leave out? Oh, the almost fanatical control you tried to keep over our lives? Yeah great perks! Thanks guys).

But then we asked ourselves, how can we make it even better? (pretty much anyway you can think of would make it better than it was...) So here's what we did. We removed the wage cap, increased starting wages, insituted pay for experience, increased flexible shifts, started part-time training, increased part-time hours and now offer student opportunities. (And do I doubt that these so-called extra perks will have 15 million limitations and provisos to them? Not at all!)

We've never forgotten you and the great contribution you made to our team. (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Pretty much everyone I knew no longer works for you! I am convinced that you pulled my name off a computer database.) We've got great positions available in customer care and internet support (I'm sure you do. Under the boss? On top of him? That creepy, disgusting old dirty bastard!). It sure would be fantastic to work with you again Laura, so give us a call. (Once again, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I'm sure you want to be plagued by persistent sarcasm and apathy. These are traits naturally brought on by walking through your doors.)

All the best to you (Thanks! *Gives the finger* And this to you.)

*C Management Team (management? That's a bit of a stretch. Management implied there was some sort of order to the place.)

And then, at the very bottom, * All applications are subject to rehire guidelines (which are ridiculously retarded anyways)

So the summary of this lovely little story? Laura will not be going back to work for evil company *C anytime soon. I am rather attached to my soul. I'd like to keep it, you soul-sucking evil corporate vampires! (I guess I still feel a little strongly about the place....*sigh*). Let go of the anger Laura. Let go of the anger Laura. Let go of the anger Laura. (I think if I repeat it often enough it might work!)

Sunshine

2006-04-27T10:21:00.000-06:00

I remember it being a beautiful, sunny, perfect summer day outside. I was young, maybe 7 or 8, and was being horribly grouchy because I had been forcibly dragged from my warm, cozy sleep nest. My dad wanted to take me for a hike. Well, in all reality, it was not much of a hike, seeing as how we lived in a smallish farmhouse on the prairie, but there was a small, gurgling creek that we frequently fell in while horsing around, and a few trees to build tree houses and imaginary fortresses in. We can call it a walk. My dad, the hardworking farmer at heart, who was, at the time, working to repair the evil invention of the modern man that still frustrates the hardworking white collar classes, also known as the photocopier. He sat in a van, driving around the Southern Alberta countryside, at the beck and call of those who believed their corporate world would end if he did not fix the problem ASAP! We had not spent much time with him lately, as he had been working overtime to suprise us with, quite possibly, the most wonderful gift parents can ever give their overactive children, a trampoline! We spent hours and hours playing dolls, telling stories, having fights and making up, and, last but certainly not least, all of the jumping games you can possibly think of on that trampoline. But I digress. That particular morning, my dad wanted to go for a walk with me. Just me. And I was being disgustingly uncooperative all because I had wanted to sleep. Instead of yelling or insisting, as I might have expected of him, since such ways were the usual, he simply knelt down in the tiny kitchen of that prairie home. He held me by the hands, and opened his mouth, and instead of the beratement that I was certain was coming, the pure, clear notes of his wonderful singing voice emerged. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are grey. You'll never know dear, how much I love you, so please don't take my sunshine away. I cried. He took my hand, and led me out into the sunshine, and we walked.

Secretary's Day

2006-04-26T08:51:00.000-06:00

So today is Secretary's Day. I happen to be a secretary. Or receptionist, or administrative assistant, depending on how set you are on political correctness. I wonder if anyone knows, other than me. Not that it matters. But today I feel important. And then I think about it. When I am sick, and not at the office, everything falls apart. I am needed here. Nothing gets done when I am not here. Well, to be honest, the realtors still get their stuff done. But none of the main office work gets done. And my boss gets nothing done, because she is answering the phone all day. It makes them wonder how I get everything done. Giggle. Because I am amazing. I can multitask, and really, I am just the best thing since sliced bread! (Who came up with that saying anyways? And what was the best thing before sliced bread was it? Sorry, could not help myself.) Anywho. Like I said, today I feel important. And even if no one else realizes that today is Secretary's Day, it is my day!

Sigh

2006-04-25T09:30:00.000-06:00

My cousin and his girlfriend are engaged. They are both wonderful people, and I love both of them. They are perfect for each other, and they make each other happy. I am very happy for them. But...I'm sooooo jealous.

Why am I jealous you might ask? Because I am alone. I have friends, some really good friends. I have a loving family. I have a good house that I like. I have a good job that is fun. But there is still something missing.

I know that everyone says you will find that someone. But sometimes I think they are lying. They want me to think that so I won't feel bad about myself. So that I won't sink down into the pit of self despair. And I hate to think that I would even come close to that.

I don't need a man to be happy. I don't have to get married and have kids to live a full life. I don't need to have wonderful mind blowing sex every night. (okay maybe I do need that one :)

But I want to. I am happy, and I will be with or without a man. Not to say that I never have my moments, then I'd be lying. But all in all, I do okay.

Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me. Do I say the wrong thing to people? Am I obnoxious? No fun to hang out with? No sense of adventure? Is my sense of humor not funny to other people? Do I talk about myself too much or not enough? Am I the wrong shape or size? Let me honest, do people think I'm ugly? (Good Lord, I should hope not.) Or am I just the kind of girl who is just a friend? Someone guys can talk to, but don't think about dating. I don't want to be that girl. I want to be someone people want to be around. I want to be funny and flirtatious, but not a slut. I want to be able to hold my own in a conversation, but not be arguing with someone. I want to be appreciated, and cherished, and loved.

Is that too much to ask? Am I supposed to be the one who is always single? I don't want that. *sigh*

But enough self pity. I don't need any more of that. I do that too much to myself already. If any of you out there think that you have a friend who is perfect for me, let me know! Get me out of my rut. Don't let me have any more self pity rants. Give me that kick in the ass I need. Sometimes we all need help. Some more than others :) giggle. Yes I am nuts. I never denied it! :)

StOp MoViNg ThE eNdS! ! !

2006-04-18T08:51:00.000-06:00

So here I am again, sorry about the absence guys. Been busy. But I should never be too busy to talk (post, whatever) to my friends. And Jo, I'm so sorry I did not get to see you this weekend. Where were you? I tried to call (your phone does not work, and no one answered at your mom's) I wanted to see you and hang out with you :( We shall have to make some arrangements beforehand the next time. And you better get your phone fixed! :)

Anyway... so I've been thinking. Yes, a dangerous thing, I know. I was thinking that I should work more. I don't really want to, after all, who likes to work, right? But I have this problem. I have debts. I don't like them, and I don't want them. I want to go to school and become a nurse. Thing is, this costs money. Lots and lots of money. *Sigh*. I don't want to do it until I am a little more financially secure, seeing as how I will be taking out another loan when I do go back to school. Again, *sigh*. I think that once you are out of high school, and start continuing on, you will never be debt free again. Its like a saying that is on my coffee (okay, okay, hot chocolate, I don't like coffee) mug at work. "Everytime I think I can finally make ends meet, somebody moves the ends." And right now, thats exactly how I feel. At this very moment, I have $12.15 in my wallet. I get $200 on Friday, but that has to right away pay bills. And then I get a regular paycheck at the end of the month, but still, thats for rent and food. So stretching everything is going to be Laura's magic trick for this month. And the next one, and then next one, and.... well you get the picture. I am already working two jobs. My regular 8:30-5 Mon thru Fri, and one weekend a month (24 hour care) for a handicapped lady. So now, I think I will have to sign up for a third job, and work that much more. I hate this feeling. And I hate not being able to have a little extra. Oh, crap. I just remembered that I need to renew the registration on my car this month. Well, so much for that. My whole budget just went down the toilet. *sigh*

So there is my self pity rant for you. I have not done one in a while, and I know you all probably don't want to hear it, but there it is. Sorry about that guys. I needed to get that off my (rather ample) chest. Sorry Jo, could not resist. *giggle* Anyways, hope all y'all had a good easter, and (hopefully) some time off to recharge. Thanks for everything!

Way Too Much Stuff...

2006-04-10T15:43:00.000-06:00

So here Laura goes, moving again (after only 5 months... arg). Fun fun. Only now I have to up and down stairs 125 times a day. *sigh* I thought that I had gotten rid of a lot of things when I moved last, and I did, but it just seems to multiply. Since I don't know many people, I am doing most of this myself. The only good thing is that I am much more organised this time. I also can move over three evenings. So tonight and tomorrow night, all of my small stuff goes... and then on Wednesday night, when I have help, and a borrowed truck, all the big furniture goes. So then I clean on Wednesday night too, and then on Thursday afternoon, I go home for Easter... Once again, *sigh*. Too much stuff to move, too much stuff to do in one week, too much stuff going through my head.

Up!

2006-04-06T12:32:00.000-06:00

I am listening to, of all things, Shania Twain. Don't even really like her music, but her song is on the radio. Up!

In her song she says it can only go up from here. Up!

I'm going up!

Abandoned.

2006-04-04T09:12:00.000-06:00

Abandoned

One friend. Spent all our time together.

Laughed, shared, cried.

Ate out, and ate in.

She was there for me. I was there for her.

One night changed everything.

I got a new job, had to move.

Nothing is the same.

She does not talk to me. She does not seem to want to make time for me.

I feel betrayed. I feel lonely.

I lost my best friend.

Disney Princess

2006-04-03T09:32:00.000-06:00

Which Disney Princess am I? Apparently the one who watches and dreams from afar. I can see that. But she gets up the guts to get the man. I don't think I have them...

http://www.greatestjournal.com/quiz.bml?Q=16354

All the different pieces.

2006-03-31T10:12:00.000-07:00

All of the different pieces of my life are like a giant puzzle. The more I try to put them together, the harder it seems to to be to make them all fit. Everytime I get one piece in place, another pops out, and I can't remember where it went. I have been trying so hard to become a self-sustaining, independant, likeable, not-so-argumentative person. Balance life, healthy habits, and good lifestyle. Seems like something is always missing. Just when I think I am at peace, something else pops out, and I have to struggle to make it all fit in the lines again...*sigh*

For Hayley and Jo

2006-03-29T10:49:00.000-07:00

Found this quote...

You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. - Dr. Seuss

5 Cuurraaazzzeeee Things I want to do....

2006-03-29T09:15:00.000-07:00

1. I want a nose job. To make my nose straight. I hate surgery. But I want to do it anyway.
2. I want to write a book. A book where everyone is as crazy and screwed up as people are in real life.
3. I want to get totally wasted, dance like crazy, make out with a hot guy, and in general, be the absolute life of the party (something I am not... :( shucks)
4. I want to drop everything, give one days notice, and go away for awhile. Go someplace warm. Just for the hell of it.
5. I want another peircing. The one right below your bottom lip. I think it is cute.

Lose Control

2006-03-28T10:24:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I want to lose control.

I don't want to always be the good girl.

I want to say f*** it and do what I want.

I want to make out with whoever and not care about it tomorrow.

I want to go out dancing and make a total fool of myself.

I want to get drunk, and have someone else take care of me for a change.

I don't want to watch my language.

I don't want to be polite or nice.

Why should I?

Who cares?

I care. But I don't want to.

I wish I could let go. Lose control. But I can't.

Mark?

2006-03-27T09:49:00.000-07:00

I have been reading a book by Dean Koontz called Fear Nothing. He is a very descriptive writer, and totally draws you into the story. Its a good book, a bit weird, but good nonetheless. One of the points made by one of the characters in the book has kept me thinking about it since I read it.

It is along the lines of: Have you ever stopped to think that maybe we were never meant to leave a lasting impression on this world? Everone wants to leave their mark. But maybe we are not supposed to.

I can't stop thinking about this. There are so many people trying to do just that. Leave their mark on the world. They are attaining world records, and making huge publicity stunts, and becoming presidents, or assassins, or whatever. They want the whole world to know who they are and what they have done.

I never thought about it before, but maybe, just maybe the character in the story was right. Maybe we are not supposed to leave a permanent mark on the world. Maybe the world would be better if we just left it alone. I have nothing against the people trying to cure cancer, and other horrible diseases that destroy life, don't get me wrong. But at the same time, it seems as if these same people will stop at nothing. They will experiment with aborted babies, they will test on humans, they will kill all kinds of innocent animals, all in the name of science and research. So maybe if we just let it be... If you think about it, it seems as though diseases are getting more and more resistant to the drugs and miracle treatments we throw at them. Again, I have nothing against medical science, as they have saved my life on more than one occasion. But it does give me pause to think about it.

At the same time, we all leave our mark on the world, even if it is not as drastic as the aforementioned example. I know that I will never be the same person I was before I met some of the key people in my life. They have changed me, made me think different, given me new and broader horizons. So even if they were to be gone tomorrow, their influence has left its mark on me. And in turn I'm sure their influence will land on someone else through me. And in that way, there will be a mark left on the world. This mark cannot be seen, cannot be heard or directly traced back to that person. Maybe this is the greatest mark we can leave. I know its the one I want to leave behind.

Just thought I would share.

And the Blow up....

2006-03-24T10:58:00.000-07:00

So this is interesting. Apparently Bill never wanted to be my room mate. He was "forced". Which is bull shit. If he did not want to live with me, he did not have to frickin' move up here. He could have stayed living at home with his mommy and daddy, who treated him like shit, sit on his ass, and do nothing all day. No driver's liscense, no job, no friends, no nothing. He wanted to move away from them, and come and live and work up here. So I offered. He could be my room mate. I could not really afford to live by myself. I did not really want to live by myself. I like the company. I thought we were getting along really good. But according to Mr. Know-It-All, I treat him like a little kid. I tell him to clean up (I am of course cleaning and offer the statement, do you want to clean the living room or the kitchen, because it is a total mess.) Which if I was sitting on my ass, doing nothing, and telling him to clean, okay, I could see that. But thats not how it was. I was cleaning. Since most of the furniture is mine, and I can't afford to replace it, I would appreciate it if it was treated a little nicely so that it lasts for a while. Not too much to ask right? Well, I guess it came across as, it is my stuff, don't touch it, don't use it. Not so. I said, please don't wreck it. Thats it. Not don't use it. Unless you are an idiot and destry everything you touch, but then thats your problem. So Laura is totally flabbergasted. Has no idea of what to say, because this kind of came out of no where. So I walked away for a moment, and then walked back and asked where this was all coming from. So we talked about it. I promised to try harder to I don't know whatever! Still not entirely sure what the problem was, but Bill is not so good with relating to people. So anyway. Guess its all good now. But I am still a little confuzzled. Like what the f*** just happened? I guess he feels better. So whatever. I was okay before that.

ReMiX

2006-03-22T09:26:00.000-07:00

What if I remix my life?

I could change the way I dress. I could change the way I talk. I could change the way I walk. I could change the way I wear makeup. I could find a new job. I could live in a new place. I could have a different room mate, or none, or lots. I could listen to different music. Do different things for entertainment. I could eat different things. I could do all kinds of things differently.

What if I remix my life?

I would not be me.

Ideal? Totally!

2006-03-21T10:55:00.000-07:00

This is me. Of a sort. So glad I am not stick thin. These women were the ideal size and shape of their times. Why is that not how it is now? I don't get it. I think these women are beautiful. Nevermind the fact that they are naked. Who cars. But I truly think that people have a warped sense of beauty these days. These women are healthy and normal, not only that but they were admired. Thats how it should be now.

Does anyone even read this?

2006-03-21T09:32:00.000-07:00

So right now, I am feeling kind of useless. I should be working hard, but I'm not. I will later. Maybe. Feeling kind of down. Not depressed. Just kind of blah. Like nothing good or really rainbow is going to happen today. No phone calls. No visits. No hot guys that maybe want my number? I would give it out like candy today! (And then, of course, regret it tomorrow.) I think K and I are going to BPs to watch the game tonight. Should be interesting. Although I think I should not drink. I am a little to weird today to add alcohol to the mix. I hope something interesting happens today. Like someone new reading my blog. Or winning some money. Or running into a friend that I have not seen in a while. Or even just some random person smiling at me like I made their day just by walking by. All I need is a hug. Some reassurance that I am important to someone. Something. Anything. That would be rainbow cool.

Oh My...

2006-03-16T09:46:00.000-07:00

So Bill and I are moving. It is official. And now our landlord is going to be a jerk about it! Arg. We have no lease agreement, nothing down on paper, and now they throw the Landlord-Tenant Act in my face. You have to give notice from the 1st to the 1st. How about the 15th to the 15th? Thats what you are getting! Thats a full month, and with the shortage of housing around here, its not like you won't be able to find replacements. Hell, I could find my own replacement. I bet I could have it for the 15th too! So take that you bastards. Now I am worried that if something breaks, they are not going to fix it. Well you are leaving anyway, what difference does it make? Bah. I can just see it now. Laura sitting in her basement, wearing all the clothes she owns, along with every single blanket in the house, and she is still shivering. *Sigh* Oh, and she can see her breath! Just peachy. (This is based on a true story by the way.) Man. This is just what I needed. Thanks. Jerks!

My Requirements for the perfect man...

2006-03-15T10:27:00.000-07:00

I know this is corny, and most people probably don't care, but I have decided that the man I will marry must be in posession of certain qualities, which will assure me that he is actually Mr. Right and not an imposter.

1. Mr. Right will not be an overbearing asshole. He will be calm, polite, and nice to my friends, even if they are not his favorite people.

2. He will eat anything I cook, even if it is somewhat undercooked in places, and burnt in others.

3. Said man will not care that I am "Rubenesque" - a nice word for saying I am not so slender. He will lust after my curves and enjoy every one of them.

4. He must be a tiger in bed. I want to go to sleep every night absolutely exhausted by his attentions. (Sounds good doesn't it?)

5. The perfect man will not be afraid of tears. If I cry in a movie, its because its emotional, not because something is wrong. However, if I am crying because I really am upset, he will kiss away the tears, apologize if it is something he did, or make amends the best way he can if it is not his fault.

6. He will love children, and have no objection to me bearing his children. He will also still be attentive to me whilst I am pregnant, and not find me repugnent. I must "glow" to him, even if I look like shit because of the hormones.

7. Mr. Right will know how to drive. By drive, I mean, not like an idiot. No e-brake turns, no skidding around on the ice, and no curvy curvy swerves on the hiway.

8. He must be taller than me. I know it sounds stupid, but it would really bug me if he was shorter than me. Its just a pet peeve.

9. My man will get along with my family, love them, argue with them, and treat them as if they were his own. He will also agree with me when I say that they are complete whack jobs.

10. The most important quality that this man must posess is love. He will love me with all his heart, and make sure he tells me everyday. He will be loving and faithful, and take care of me for the rest of our lives.

yegch!!!

2006-03-14T13:54:00.000-07:00

Are all men truly assholes? Are they are perverted disgusting jerks?

Here is the scene...Laura goes upstairs to inform her landlord that, once again, her door is not shutting, and her basement suite is freezing, and she really would like her door to be able to close and lock properly. (Not too much to ask, I would think, since the landlord knew about the problem since I moved in...) Not only that, but she is planning to go out with some friends, and some weird, greasy, freakishly ferretlike man has his car parked behind hers, and she cannot get out.

Anywho. So Bill (cousin and roomate for those of you who don't know) goes up to the door. Apparently Mike (landlord) gets offended by Bill's presence, but immediatly calms down when I get to the door.

Me: Hi Mike, we were just leaving, and someone is parked behind us...

Bill: Yeah, so can someone move their car?

Mike: Hey now man! Just chill out, I'll deal with it, okay? (Of course this is said in a very loud, drunken, and gruff type of voice.)

Me: (having visions of grown men wrestling around in the snow in the driveway like some kind of weird demented lemmings jumps right in.) No no! Its not a problem, we just wanted to be able to go pretty quick. I started the car, and it has to warm up for a second anyway...

Mike: (very creepy look... eww!!) So how've you been keeping yourself? You look good.

Of course by this time, I can hardly not notice that he is using the doorframe to prop himself up... Not only that, but his 2 kids (yes, single but with kids... not interested, sorry!) are standing right behind him. Not exactly the most appropriate time or place to hit on your much younger (much!) and obviously not interested basement tenant.

Me: I am good. Been keeping busy...(frantically trying to come up with some way to end the conversation and run!) So, do you think someone could move that blue car?

Mike: We should go out for coffee sometime. How about tomorrow morning?

Me: (anything to get out of here!) Sure...about that car?

It was at this point that I noticed his girlfriend standing there as well. So not only is he like close to 30, but he has 2 kids, 7 and 11 years old, and a girlfriend (who is not the mother of his kids.) To make matters worse he is hitting on me...Can you say gross?

Now, I have not mentioned this part, because I am not racist, but he is also native. I was really good friends with some native girls in college, and one of my aunts is native as well. All of my cousins from that family have their Indian status (which allows you to fish without a liscense!! A little off the topic, but cool nonetheless.) Anyway, just trying to provide a little background on how I am anything but racist. Point being, he was sort of fitting the poor stereotypical image of natives that people have, and well, I was not impressed.

Me: Um, so we'd better go, my car has been running for a while. (can I get out of here, please? PLEASE????)

Bill: Yeah we'd better go. (Sure Bill, pipe up now... good timing buddy. Could you have, i don't know, maybe interupted before the creep asked me out in front of his girlfriend and kids?)

Mike: We've been celebrating with my friend Johnny here, its his 21st birthday, and you should come in and party with us...

(Johnny of course, being the aforementioned weird, greasy, freakishly ferretlike man...)

Johnny: (very slurring speech and stumbling manner) SShhuuure, i can move my char. (Char? okay buddy, have another one.)

Blech!!! To make a long story short now I am extremely creeped out every time I see my Landlord! I want to move!! Pervert! In front of his kids. Yegch!! And not only that, when we went to the bar, no one that was not old, creepy, or vaguely ferretlike hit on me. All old disgusting men. I want a young one. A not creepy one, who has absolutely no resemblance to any nocturnal animal of any kind of rat family. I still have shivers thinking about it.

Wow! Yum.

2006-03-13T08:57:00.000-07:00

FLOP - a print by Anniina R.

So... I came across this painting. Or, well, rather this picture of a painting. And all I can say is wow. Does he not look the picture of scrumptious? Well, at least to all those who enjoy men anyway. I would not mind waking up to him. Whew! And he is not even real. Well, he could be. And would I ever not mind it if he was!!! YUM.

Cold Urticaria

2006-03-08T14:40:00.000-07:00

For all of you who ever wondered what my medical condition really was, or how it works, here is some info I found today. (The subject was in my mind because I found my MedicAlert bracelet last night, and decided I really should be wearing it.)

Some people develop hives on the skin when they encounter cold temperatures. This condition, called cold urticaria, is the most common type of hives caused by a physical condition. The hives are produced by a rapid release of histamine brought about by IgE antibodies and eosinophils (a type of white blood cell often involved in allergic reactions) in response to the cold. Rapid cooling, as from the evaporation when one gets out of a swimming pool, can trigger cold urticaria even on a warm day. For people with cold urticaria, swimming in very cold water is quite dangerous, sometimes even causing death.Treatment of cold urticaria involves avoiding the cold, when possible, and taking antihistamines. Most affected people are advised to carry an epinephrine releasing device, such as an Epipen, or EpInhaler.

I also found out that this condition affects approximatly 12.5% of the population in North Amercia. So I am not alone! And now hopefully you all know a little more about it too!

Me against Your world.

2006-03-06T10:13:00.000-07:00

Simple Plan - Me Against The World

I'm a nightmare, a disaster
That's what they always say
I'm a lost cause, not a hero
But I'll make it on my own
I've gotta prove them wrong
Me against the world
It's me against the world

Stop telling me what I can and can't do. Stop making me feel like crap! I can do it. I will do it! I don't need you. I don't need to hear your discouragement. Why can't you just be supportive? Why don't you believe in me? If I think I can do it, why don't you? What is wrong with me that I can't make my own dreams come true? I will do it. Just you wait and see. I will prove you wrong. I will make it happen. If it means blood, bleed I will. If it means sweat, perspire I will. If it means tears, cry my heart out I will. Blood, sweat, and tears. I have posession of all of these things. I have the drive, the determination. Nothing can stop me. You won't stop me. All of your hurtful words have only fueled the fire. Burn!! I will burn until there is nothing left to catch fire. And then I will still continue. I can do it. This is not just a random desire. It is what I want. And that means that the fire burns from with in me. And you cannot put out that fire. No matter how hard you try. If you are afraid of the flames, then step back! Stop trying to put it out. I will do it. I am not a nightmare, it is my dream. I am not a disaster. I am a well made, well thought out person. I have my own thoughts, my own dreams. I am not a lost cause. For me to be lost, I would have to have no direction. Do you see me stopping and asking for directions? No. I know where I am going. I am a hero. I am someone's hero. I will be my own hero if necessary. I am not trying to save the world. I am just trying to make a difference. I will make it on my own. Me against your world.

Believe in Yourself!

2006-03-03T09:55:00.000-07:00

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense. - Buddha

I very much agree with this. If someone tells you something, and it clicks a wrong switch in your brain, then why should you automatically accept it? It means you need to believe in yourself. I know that when I think something is wrong, it usually is. Even if I don't know what. And this endorses the whole concept of self trust. I like it. I really do. Believe in yourself! You know what you are talking (thinking) about!

100 Things about me.

2006-03-01T09:42:00.000-07:00

I just read Joey's post from a while ago where she listed 100 things about her. I thought that was an awesome thing to do, and it gave me a lot of insight. I also think it will make me get to know myself better. And I want that. I should know myself better than anyone else knows me. So this will be a good experiment. And I am excited about it. So here goes. This could take a while.

1. I love pink. I think it looks good on me, and it makes me feel good.
2. I used to HATE pink. Thats right, I said it. I used to hate pink. I would not buy it, I would not wear it, I used to hate it with a passion. Then I started working with a lady at Fanny's named LeAnna. She rocked. Anyways, she loved pink so much, and gave me a pink shirt (which I still have by the way) after that I was hooked. There was no going back.
3. I think that I look best in this one pair of jeans I have. They make me feel hot. (And if I wear my racy pink lacy scandalous underwear with them, I even feel sexy! shhh don't tell anyone.)
4. There is nothing better than a comfortable push up bra. I feel that it is a form of pick me up. (In my case, it is literal! hee hee.)
5. I hate pointy toe shoes. They look good on some people, and someday I might try a pair (although I don't think so). My theory is, if your shoes can kill, you should not be wearing them, or you might trip someday and accidently kill yourself. And they make your feet look bigger than they are. I don't find that to be a good thing at all.
6. I love shoes. I don't even have to wear them. As long as they are mine, I like them. I used to have 38 pairs of shoes. I had to get rid of some - they were broken. And some were just really old. But I still have about 20 pairs. I only wear 3. But I have lots, if I want to wear different ones and that makes me feel good.
7. I hate that I can't get the same clothes as everyone else. Just because I am bigger, does not mean I don't want to have nice clothes. I want to look hot, because I am hot. Right. But hot clothes do make you feel hotter. And thats a good thing.
8. I hate that plus size clothes are more expensive. Seriously. It does not cost that much more to make something one or two sizes bigger. I would know. I sew. Some things you do need a little more fabric for, but once you average it out, its not that big a deal. Somebody rigged the pricing dammit!! I want someone to fix it.
9. I love the fact that I can make my clothes when I want to. That way, when I go out, and someone says, "Oh thats an awesome skirt! Where did you get it?" I can say (with more than a little self satisfaction) "I made it, and I know its awesome!"
10. You know that feeling when you go out, and you see your friends, and they stop you and say, "Damn girl! You look hot tonight!" It just makes your day! You will protest, but deep down, you are jumping up and down saying "Someone noticed!!!! YAY!"

11. I am retardedly proud of how soft my hands are. I put lotion on them at least twice a day. And I love to sit there when I am bored and feel how soft my hands are.
12. I am also proud of my scars. How many people will tell you that? I have a story to go with almost all of them. And its fun to remember how stupid you are sometimes.
13. I think I have sexy feet. I know that sounds stupid, but I do! Some people have ugly feet, with uneven toes, and scaly heels. Yuck! Mine are soft, with even toes, and my tattoo just makes them even cuter. Call me weird, but I like my feet.
14. You know how people say they will never get plastic surgery? I am totally not one of those people. If I had the chance, and the money, I would do it in a heartbeat. I want my nose to be normal. Yes it is crooked, and I can't breathe out of one side, and I want it fixed. I probably would get more done, but that is neither here nor there, because I don't have the money, and probably never will.
15. I have no problem with cutting or coloring my hair. I am not afraid to try something different. After all, it is just hair. It will grow back. And if the color is stupid, you can change it. Ah, the wonders of hair dye.
16. I love tattoos. I love the rush they give me. And so far I only have one. I can see how tattoos would be addicting. I don't like it when people have tattoos on their necks or faces, but pretty much anything else goes for me. Not full body or anything, but a few here or there, no problem. They give people character, and tell a story, if well chosen. I totally plan on getting a few more, but once again, it is all a matter of money!
17. I also love peircings. I would totally date someone with peircings. After all, I have one. Okay, so its my nose. But I have quite a few in my ears, and I did them myself. That should count for something right? I would love to get my tongue peirced, but I have spent far too much money on my teeth to justify that. Or the little one under your bottom lip. I don't know what that one is called, but I like it, and I think maybe one day I might do it. Or at least think about doing it.
18. The biggest turn on in the world is a guy who smells good. At least for me. If you smell good, I will talk to you for at least 10 minutes just on that basis alone.
19. Biggest turn off? Bad hygeine. If you have rotting teeth, uncombed, greasy hair, and body odour, GET AWAY FROM ME! I am not interested. You could be the nicest person ever, rich beyond my wildest dreams, and totally in love with me, but if you can't be bothered, I can't be bothered. Buh-bye.
20. I think PDAs are sometimes good and sometimes bad. Those couples who hold hands, give each other quick smooches every once in a while are cute. I have no problems with them. But those couples who are all over each other? Grabbing body parts, slobbering all over each other? Get a room please. I don't need to see that. Gross.

21. I love to read. I remember I once decided not to go somewhere with my family for a day because I wanted to stay home and read. Sort of pathetic, but I guess I needed a day to myself.
22. I read Red Dragon (Part of the Hannibal Lector Series) and the book gave me night mares. It was that scary. Thats how I know I will never watch those movies.
23. I love juvenile fiction. Remeber the Sweet Valley Twins? I loved those books. I used to read them all the time.
24. I used to have a crush on the...wait for it...The Hardy Boys. You might ask how you can have a crush on a fictional character. Well, you can. Or I can anyway. They sounded so strong and awesome in the books. I never could decide which one I liked better, although I think it was Joe. 25. You know the Harlequin Romance novels? Love them. I am so addicted. They are totally mindless. Smut as my cousin Karen calls them. I don't consider them to be smut. But definitly mindless.
26. I think I could be the smartest person in the world, if I read the encyclopedia from a-z. I have actually sat for hours reading encyclopedias when I was in grade school, not that I remember any of it.
27. I love historical books. There is nothing more interesting to me. It can be fact, or fiction, if it is based in the past, I will find it enthralling.
28. I am not a big fan of politics. I like books like The Bourne Identity, and things about clandestine government operations, but not when there is too much politics involved. It bores me. I will never be a politician.
29. I would love to write books that people like me would read. Don't know if it will ever happen, but it would be cool if it did. The stories are all in my head, but it is hard to get them down on paper.
30. When I sit and read, I circle my lips with my finger. I don't know why I do this. Its just something I have always done. About a year ago, I noticed that my mom does the same thing. So I must have seen her doing it and picked it up without noticing. Strange how things like that happen.

31. I am fundamentally a lazy person. Its true, I am.
32. I could be the most organized person in the world. But as I said, I am lazy, so while I have the best of intentions, I am not the most organized person.
33. I am late for everything. Again, it is because I am lazy, and I don't get ready to go until the last moment. And then nothing goes right, so I am late.
34. I love to sleep. I will take every spare moment I have to sleep. I think this also contributes to my lateness on a regular basis.
35. I tell little white lies. I even make myself beleive them! I used to do it alot more, but then when I realized what I was doing, I decided it had to stop. So I am getting much better. But it is still something I have to work on.
36. I have read a porno magazine. How many people do you know that will admit that? I found it, and I read it, and I can sort of see why guys like them so much. Its not something that I would ever want to be around on a regular basis. And like half of that stuff can be real anyway! But I can honestly say I have read one, and let me tell you, if you want to be paranoid, that is a good way to go. I was terrified the whole time that someone would catch me and think that I was a dirty pervert. I'm not by the way, if you who are reading this think so. It was very educational, and I am chalking it up to human curiosity. Thats it, thats all.
37. You know the stupid question, "If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" My question is, if no one is around, who gives a shit if it makes a sound or not? No one is there. So who cares? Sorry, just had to get that one out.
38. I admire people who can have serious philosophical discussions. I have a tendancy to be argumentative rather than just having a friendly discussion. Take that!
39. I like to argue. Well, I like to have friendly arguments. When you can go point for point on something without getting upset, or judgemental, just fact compared to fact, now thats the shit. I love doing that. Everyone told me I should have been a lawyer. But there is too much paperwork. I'm not big on paperwork. I lose everything. See above "laziness issues".
40. I have a hard time expressing myself when I feel strongly about something. Its like the emotions block the words coming from my brain. And when I get frustrated I cry. So if I am having a serious argument, and I am crying, its not because I am a baby. Its because I am frustrated that I can't get my feelings out of my head in a way that other people can understand. Give me a chance to think about it, write it down, and rehearse it, and I may be able to make you understand without going to peices. But I might still cry.

41. I love funny people. I love people that make me laugh.
42. I can sit by myself, listen to Jeff Foxworthy, and laugh my ass off. Especially on long trips, when I am drving by myself.
43. Russell Peters is fricken hilarious! The dude just makes me laugh. I love it. "Somebody gonna geta hurt rreal bad!"
44. I am horrible at telling jokes. I always get them all mixed up.
45. I hate it when people tell jokes wrong. It annoys me to no end. (Yes I annoy myself when I do it.)
46. I would take a funny guy over a really hot one anyday. The hot guy will grow old and ugly, but the funny guy will always make me laugh.
47. Don't try too hard to be funny, it just makes you seem like a loser.
48. I worry that people think I'm a loser, because I cannot tell if I am funny or not. I don't think I am. I hope not.
49. I want to be a fun person. I want to be fun around. Sometimes I am scared that I'm not one of those people that other people really want to be around. I don't want to be a downer. I want to be a picker-upper. (If thats a word.)
50. I don't really like blonde jokes. (Gasp, I know thats sacrelige to some people...) I think they are all the same after a while.

51. I was born six weeks too early. I was due on September 15th, and I was born August 7th instead.
52. My mom had to go home from the hospital without me. She said she cried and cried when she had to do that. I don't know if I could do it. I think I would live in the hospital lobby if it was my baby. Although she had my older sister at home to take care of, so I suppose that gave her the reason to go home. She came in every day though!
53. I get sick from everything. I think it has something to do with the fact that I was a preemie. But regardless, if someone around me has the flu, I will get it. Strep throat, yep, me next. Sure sign me up for that seasonal cold. Oh, and go ahead, make it last twice as long as everyone elses. I don't mind. Yeah right. If I could give my immune system a good hard kick in the arse, I totally would, if I thought it would make a difference.
54. You know what I want? I want to travel. Anywhere, it does not matter. Preferably somewhere warm, you know? But just to say I have been there. Going somewhere else and seeing someone elses' culture can give you a whole new perspective. This is a good thing.
55. I think I am not a pessimist. But I don't think I am an optimist either. I think I am a realist. Like the glass is half full/half empty thing. Its not half full if I drink all the water.
56. I want to go to jail. I know that sounds totally crazy. I don't intend on committing any crime, or anything like that. No drunk tank for me either. Falsely accused or something. But I would just like to see how I would see things from the other side. I think it would put your life and goals into a priority list. What to do first and all that.
57. I want to go sailing. I have never been sailing. I think it would be cool. I hope I don't fall overboard, becuse that would just suck. Might die and such.
58. I use the word "retarded" a lot. Some one once told me that using the word is insulting to people with mental disabilities. But see, the meaning of the word has changed. Just like the word slut used to be used to describe a woman who did not keep her house clean. Now it means, well, you all know what it means. I don't think of mentally disabled people when I use the word. I think of stupid, dumb, ridiculous. So to not use the word because of its origins, well, thats retarded.
59. I would like to study etomology. And no, thats not bugs. It is the study of words and their origins. I like history, and I like English, and writing, and I think it would be very interesting. And it has to do with languages. Cool.
60. Just a random thought. Why do they call your first name your "Christian" name? I don't really get it. Maybe its because you used to be "christened" with your name. Which is a Catholic ceremony I think. I don't know for sure. Maybe I should look into it...

61. I love school. I really do. I love the challenge of learing something new, and understanding it all in my head. I always liked school. I have absolutely nothing against learning.
62. That being said, I hate math. That would be my idea of hell. Stick Laura in a room by herself, and make her work at math problems she does not understand all day long forever. Wow. That would be the best description of hell I could come up with.
63. I am addicted to other languages. I think it is the sounds. I like sounds. You know how some people will have a line from a song stuck in their head? I do that too, but not just with music. With lines from movies, where someone says something really cool (or sounds cool in my head) like "Chon When. John Wayne? Thats a terrible name for a cowboy." (From Shanghai Noon) Its not just the words, its how they say the words. With the accents and everything. Or phrases that I have learned in other languages. Like: Ik kan niet spreken Nederlands. It means I can't speak dutch, but thats not the point. Its the way the words sound that I like.
64. I want to be multi-lingual. Not just bi-lingual. Multi, as in many. I have a good start on French, from High School, and Sign Language, from the class Hayley and I took, but I want more. I want fluency in French. I want to be able to speak Dutch. I would love to be able to sign a complete conversation with a deaf person. I want to go to Mexico and speak to the natives in Spanish, and have them understand what I said. To go somewhere, not know anyone, and still be able to get along. Thats what I want. And the thing is, I know I am smart enough to do it, but you need money. I mean, I am slowly working on ASL from my book. And I have a Dutch program on my computer, but I truly beleive that if I really want to do it, all I have to do is immersion. If I went there, and had to do it, I would learn, and learn fast. Someday I will.
65. I love accents too. When I am with Sharon, I all of a sudden have an Irish accent. There is not an Irish bone in my body, but it sure sound cool. When I talk with dutch clients, I have a dutch tilt to my words. Even my sentace structure and syntax changes. I rearrange my words, and I use words that I normally wouldn't. Its crazy. I should be an actress. I would have the speaking with an accent down pat. Just put me near someone who speaks with that accent for a week. No problem mon!
66. I consider myself to be intelligent. I don't know if that is a conceited thing to say or not, but oh well. I catch onto new things quite quickly, and I like to learn new things. I would consider that to be the marks of a smart person.
67. I also have common sense. Some people just don't. I know people who have degrees from this, and degrees from that, and have all kinds of book learning, but are totally lost in the real world. They don't look before crossing a street, and don't know how to deal with people. In short, not all that bright, even though they think they are brilliant.
68. I want to be a nurse. It means I have to go back to school, and put myself more in debt, but I want to do it. I think I can do it. And I will. I need to pay off a little more of my loan, and then thats it, enrollment, here I come.
69. I like Dr. Seuss. One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish. I used to read Green Eggs & Ham everytime I babysat in the church nursery. I can almost recite the whole book off by heart. And I still like it. I always liked the drawings too. They were a little zany, a little crazy, and the colors were never quite right. And I liked that about it. I still do. Say, I do like green eggs and ham.
70. Ok, here is something weird. I have a total hair fetish. Love hair. Will touch it, play with it, in general, I find it irrestistable. And I am not talking weird, disgusting body hair. Only the hair on your head, you know, above your face. I can't help it. Those of you who know me well have been subjected to this fetish of mine. I can do it for hours. And I like it when people play with my hair too. Love it. So weird or not? I don't care. I like it, and I'm not going to stop.

71. I still like the Backstreet Boys. I know, they are a boy band, and like, who listens to that anymore anyway? But I do. I still like it, and indulge in it. I sing along, sometimes very loudly, if I am alone, and I know all the words. If that makes me a dork, well, then so be it.
72. I like all kinds of music. I like rock, pop, some country. I can even listen to some amounts of classical and jazz. I am not a big fan of bluegrass or opera. And slow old country. Other than that I can listen to almost anything.
73. I think I have a good voice. I don't know for sure, no one has ever confirmed it for me, but I think I might have a good singing voice. Nothing fantastic mind you, not American Idol worthy, but okay nonetheless.
74. I sing to myself all the time. I can be at home, in the car, at work even, and I will be singing to myself. You may not see me, but if I am not singing out loud, it does not mean I am not singing. You can think a song too you know.
75. I would die without music. I always have music on. It helps me to deal. I like it when I am sad, when I am angry, if I am lonely, or just plain bored. There is music to go along with that. Its like a soundtrack to my life. I think we all deserve a soundtrack.
76. I think I would hate to be a celebrity. People follow you around all the time, you have no privacy, and you just get way too damn rich. People don't need that much money.
77. I want to be debt free. That is one of my main goals in life. To be debt free. I know that it will likely never happen, because you go to school, then you buy a car, then you buy a house, and you never make more money than you can spend. But I really do want to be debt free. That is one goal I will never stop working for.
78. Martial arts are cool. I want to learn. Not to kick anyone's but or anything, but I think that I would feel safer if I could defend myself. Maybe I should take a self defense course. That might accomplish the same goal. But Karate or Judo just sounds like more fun.
79. I always have lots of lights on. Why, you might ask. Well, I am not afraid of the dark, per se, but I can't stand it when everything is dark. (Unless I am trying to sleep. Then darkness is my friend.) You cannot see what you are doing. You can't see the expressions on other peoples faces. People can sneak up on you. I hate that.
80. I am extremely ticklish. My feet, my underarms, my stomach, but especially my neck. I think that would be the most sensitive part of my body. (Also the best place to be kissed, but shhh, I didn't tell you.)

81. I admire my brother. He can save money like I can't. Not only that, but he is a smart shit. He could do anything he wanted. And since he is not sure what he wants, what is he doing? Working his ass off to pay for school before he goes, so that he won't have to worry about it after. Now why wasn't I more like that!
82. I think my brother is funny. Don't ever tell him that, he will let it go to his head. But he is funny, even though most of the time it is lame humor. Its still funny.
83. I admire my mom. My mom is my hero. I once wrote an essay about how my mom was my hero. She works with old people, and is always very patient with them. She gives time to church organizations. She gives time to pretty much anyone who asks for it. She loves unconditionally. She will be there for you, no matter what. She will babysit for free. She is very generous, and donates to all kinds of good causes, whether it is monetary, or timewise. She is so much more than I can fit in this space. My mom is a wonderful example of a human being. She is my HERO.
84. I have another hero too. My friend Haley. She is a shining example of what a friend should be. She is supportive, optimistic, encouraging, and loving. She is not judgemental, and is living proof of standing up for what you beleive in no matter what any one else thinks. I love you Haley.
85. I love my friends. I would do anything for them. I have done things for them that no one would beleive. (and I'm not going to say here. Some things are better left unsaid.)
86. I am a very emotional person. I cry and laugh out loud, at, get this, not just movies. I can be reading a book, and laugh out loud. People look at me like I am crazy. Usually I am picturing whatever I just read in my head (thats what I do when I read you know. I see the movie in my head) and if it is funny, I will be laughing. Yes, out loud! And I cry. Yep, just from reading a book. All the time. I guess it means I care.
87. I have 2 beautiful nephews. I adore them. My sister and brother-in-law are doing such a good job with them! They are going to turn out to be the kids next door that you want to let your kids play with, because they will be good influences. I can't wait until they have a little girl.
88. I don't think that boys are any worse than girls. By that I mean, boys are not meaner, boys are not smarter (They might be a little stronger when they grow up, but thats just physical.) boys are not more perverted, nothing. Girls and boys definitely equal out in the end. Trust me, I am a girl, and we think the same things, guys just say it out loud more often.
89. There are a couple of words that I will never use. I will never say them to another person, I will never voice them out loud, and even just thinking them makes me extremely angry. I will not write them here, but trust me, if you ever say them to me, or around me, you will hear about it!
90. I have been told I have a sexy voice. Don't know if it is true or not, but so I've been told. Not sure if that is a good thing or not, but I guess it could be in the right context. Rrrrow!

91. I am afraid of falling in love. I am scared of losing my heart to someone that can break it. It terrifies me.
92. I want to fall in love. I'm scared, but I want it anyway.
93. I want the kind of marriage my parents have. They are still in love. They cuddle, they kiss, and I am sure they do other things that I really don't want to know about. They have been married for 25 years, and are still together, and still happy. I want what they have.
94. And then there is that matter of kids. Do I want them? Sure I do. But its scary too. Once you have a kid, you have much less freedom. And you are completely, 100% responsible for the first few years of their lives. Scary thought.
95. I already have names for my kids. I'm sure by the time they actually come along, they will have changed somewhat, but I don't know. Some of them I have hung onto for a long time. And nothing weird. No Summer Moons, or Ryan Kokes. Nothing that can get them tortured in school.
96. I think people who give their kids "cute" names are cruel. I went to school with a guy named Ben Swen. Never give your kid a name that rhymes. He will be tortured, I promise. Or how about Peter Peterson? Yeah, thats cool. Or Norman. My little sister, had she been a boy, would have been Norman. I hate that name. It is cruel and unjust. Not only that, but then you are asking your child to be gay. I have never known a Norman that was not gay. My mom says she did, but I don't beleive her.
97. I don't consider myself to be beautiful. I have days that I feel hot, and I have days where I feel not so hot. But to call myself pretty? I don't know that thats the word I would use. Other people (my girl friends) have told me I am. But beautiful... I don't know. Someday I will beleive it.
98. I am insecure about my looks. I am better than I used to be. I am starting to be more and more happy with how I look as I go. I guess it is because I have given my life a make over. I have given my stuff a makeover (gotten rid of a lot of things) I have given my wardrobe a makeover. I am in the works of giving my hair a makeover. I am working on getting my body a makeover. (I hate the gym. I like the idea of it, and the actual fact is not so bad, but somehow there is still a negative feeling associated with it.)
99. I like my style. It is not something special, or specific, more like an eclectic mix. But I like it. It suits me. Its me.
100. And as my final thought...Damn, I'm good!

Wow, that took quite a while. A few minutes here, a few minutes there, over two days. So do I really know myself better than when I started? Maybe not. But some of these things I have never said aloud, or really admitted to myself. So I guess it was the learning experience that it was supposed to be. Hope you know a little more about me than before.

So...

2006-02-28T08:59:00.000-07:00

So here we are. Another day, but the same routine. Why? Why is it always the same? I am tired of doing the same thing every day. I want something new. Something different. Something that I have never done before. And I want it now! Demanding aren't I. I just want to have a life. A more interesting life than what I have now. All I do is go to work, work, and then go home. I eat, watch a movie, and then go to bed. How sad is that? I suppose it is also partly because I am sick. When you don't feel good, it is hard to find any energy for anything. I will get there. And I will get that life!

TiMe fLiEs

2006-02-24T09:35:00.000-07:00

Time is never still, always moving, always changing everything.

Nothing ever stays the same, and that is good.

Sometimes it is hard, because you just want to capture a moment

for a little longer.

Hold it close to you, and see that image in your mind for a while.

Or feel that emotion, and let it take you over just a little more.

Can't time just leave time for that one precious moment?

That period of time that we want to savour?

Please, just let it be, let it live.

I guess it does, in our hearts.

As something time can never steal away.

The Age of Machines.

2006-02-23T09:53:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed how dependant we are on machines? We need them to help make our breakfast in the morning, to get to work, and to complete almost every task we do at work. And, not only that, if one goes down, heaven forbid!! We cannot get any work done. At this very moment, it is the photocopier/fax machine. ARG! Can't get any faxes. It has seriously interupted our flow of information. At this office, without a fax machine, we are completely crippled! Missed information, people freaking out, my goodness me! No copying, which means half of my work cannot be done. What a horrible start to what seemed like such a promising day. Good hair, makeup looks awesome! Even my clothes seemed to work. And then this. My goodness. Well, the guy is here to fix it now, so hopefully all goes well. This age of machines sucks! We used to be able to get along with out them. I think we were better off sometimes. And then I remember the invention of indoor plumbing and flush toilets......

Love Drunk

2006-02-22T14:14:00.000-07:00

Love Drunk.

What a strange phrase.

But at the same time, so appropriate.

When we are in love, we are giddy, happy, a little dizzy, and want to dance.

But at the same time, it can make you act strange, it can make you hurt people you love, it can even make you sick.

With all the pros and cons, how can you decide.

Do I dare?

Is it something I can handle?

Do I want that to be a part of my life?

At the same time, how can I not?

I'm not whole without it!

I hate that other people have it and I don't.

I want to be love drunk.

I hate the idea of it.

It tears me apart on the inside.

Why can't it just happen?

Why do I want it to happen?

Love Drunk. Hah! Stupid Cupid.

I hate this.

I love this.

Why can't I just make up my damned mind?

Because I might as well be Love drunk.

Sorry

2006-02-21T09:07:00.000-07:00

So there has been awhile since my last post. Sorry about that guys! Here it is. I feel sooo good! I feel like my weekend has totally refreshed me, and I am so ready to face the next challenge. Whatever that may be. I came home to a clean house, a clean room, and a few improvements. There are a few new shelves, which means less counter clutter, which is awesome! I am also feeling better, little less of a cold, which is great! I've been invited to visit some cousins in Edmonton next weekend, which is also very cool. All in all, life is very good!

ARG!

2006-01-17T09:03:00.000-07:00

My head is stuffed.

Feels like cotton, or maybe rocks.

And it hurts to breathe,

like my cat sat on my chest and won't move.

I hate feeling like this.

It sucks. I hate it.

Could be worse, could have to stay home in bed.

Wait, that'd be better!

I would not be losing things.

Pens, pencils, papers, my mind!

I want to go home.

Crawl in bed.

Be dead to the world for at least another 4 hours.

And then try again in the morning.

Maybe.

aMaZiNg

2006-01-13T08:56:00.000-07:00

I have a new nephew, and I get to see him tomorrow. I am soo excited to see him. My mom sent me pictures, and he is a dolly. I can't wait. It just amazes me. This miracle of life. All it takes is one moment, and then a new person is in progress. Amazing! All you have to do is wait, and there he or she is. I can't beleive it. It really is just amazing.

LoVe

2006-01-09T18:00:00.000-07:00

Love....
We all need more love.
More love from our friends,
more love from our families,
more love from strangers,
more love from coworkers,
more love from everyone,
And especially....
We need more love for ourselves.

You Are...

2006-01-09T12:27:00.000-07:00

You are...

You are my friend.

A confident when needed.

Someone I trust and can turn to,

when I need help or just an opinion.

You are my hero!

Someone who stands up for herself,

and loves you for who you are

No matter what!

You are my inspiration.

You make me want to be a better friend.

Everything about you is AWESOME!

You are YOU, and I love you for it!!!

I wrote this for you

hayley! Its not very good,

and I could never put exactly how I feel about you and me

and our friendship into words, but this is part of it.

You are... LOVED

Uncertain?

2006-01-09T09:29:00.000-07:00

I have decided to try a new technique.
There are a lot of times when I am uncertain about what to do, or if I should do something, or say something. And I don't know what to do.
Think of the smartest person you know. Then ask them the question. What would they tell you? I bet they would be honest with you, tell you what they think, and then leave the decision up to you.
Thats the way I should be looking at things. That way, even though I am the only one there, I will still have the opinion of someone I love and trust. And I will know what to do.
Thats not to say it will always be easy, but then you know you have thought it through first. Sometimes thats all it takes. I think a lot of the time I am uncertain about what to do, because I have not really thought about it. I am avoiding the subject. Even with myself. So then you are forced to think about it, and make a decision.
So thats what I am going to do.

Elections

2006-01-06T17:14:00.000-07:00

So this Federal election is coming up quick. I hate voting, there is never anyone good to vote for. It is always, who is less worse? There are nothing but assholes running the country, and unless I go into politics, its not going to change. And, lets face it, I could not even handle the politics at Convergys, so I would not make it in a larger scale. I am so glad I don't work there anymore, and I feel sorry for those who do. So anyways, those are my thoughts for the day. Hopefully no more Liberal bastards. Although their replacements may not be much better.

BaNg by EvE6

2006-01-05T17:23:00.000-07:00

The underworld element beckoned in a dream to

Find a sidekick pronto I should

Think Thelma not Daria

So I search hard and near and far for

Someone the description called for

Thought seldom not Daria

Found her in a suburban wasteland

Swaddling clothed and caked in beach sand

At first sight thought that I might

turn and Run out of fear and intrigue

I stood numb kind of military

I'd found her I'd keep her

Safe and sound

Don't make a sound

Look up at the sky shit's going down

I heard a bang and stars collided

Her skin drew me in just like a magnet

Little girl my little world is yours

I took a one way highway headed

West heaven bound

Never even thought once to turn round

Real life plays tricks on the brain

Pointed fingers were left in the dust and

The ones who doubted rusted

We're out of here like Vladimir

Now I'm looking at a picture where I'm right beside you

Eyes shine with a light that binds you

To this fool with Super Glue

From all the way across the nation

You came with just your name and

Your suitcase

I'll keep you

Safe and sound

Don't make a sound

Look up at the sky shit's going down

I heard a bang and stars collided

Her skin drew me in just like a magnet

Little girl my little world is yours

Big bang little girl run away with me

And be my Thelma & Louise

Brush that sand off your ask

Your questions later love me long time

Song was stuck in my head, and really, lets face it, I love it. Wanted to let you all know how my head was singing.