Well this is my life!

So I have had an epiphany. I am going to write a book. Just for fun. Well, maybe not for fun, but I am going to do it anyway. I already started researching it, and I made an outline. I guess that means I have to follow it through right? Well, no one can make me do anything I don't want to do, so screw everybody else. Well, maybe not literally, that would be hours spent lying on my back with my legs in the air, and truthfully, lets be honest, I am the last person on earth to be doing that. Now that you have that lovely picture i nyour heads.... sorry about that. Sometimes I wish there was someone, I mean, we all get lonely, and when you have no friends to hang out with anymore (I love you guys, and miss you a lot!) then you get kinda bored sometimes. Not that I don't love my aunt, but I see her all day at work, so then to spend all the rest of my time with her would be too much I think. Occasionally is fine, just not all the time. Its the times when I am at home by myself (well, now with Lucky) that I wish I could just go to the bar, pick someone up, and take them home with me. But see, if I did that, I would never be able to live with myself. Either that, or I am afraid I would like it, and keep doing it. One or the other. Or maybe both, which would be even worse. Like I need lower self esteem. I never think of myself the way other people see me. When I look in the mirror, I see a not too bad looking girl, with big tits, and too much extra around the middle. Apparently thats not what other people see, but I cant help it. Thats what I have always seen, and the image just wont go away. Thats the other thing I am afraid of. Once my clothes are off, the other person is going to take off, because they dont like what they see. I cant stand the idea of being hurt like that. So I just dont go there. Is that a bad thing? I dont care if it is. I just cant make myself get there. Sarah says guys look at me all the time, and because I dont notice them, they leave. I want to beleive her, but thats not how I see myself, so I have a hard time with it. I guess we are all a little f***ed up on the inside, even if we dont let people see it. yay and hooray, my self pity rant is done for the day. I will not trouble you anymore.