Peace

Sorry about the absense guys. Its been a little hard to type, and since the pain is pretty much all the way gone, it is not such a hardship anymore. Although the brace still gets in the way, but hey, if I start getting bogged down by perfectionism now, no one will ever see this post, and I would have to delete my entire blog, and I'm just not willing to go that route.

So I have been working a lot lately. Too much. And I was starting to get pretty depressed. I was always sooo excited to see my family, or any of my friends from down south. Or when I would go and visit, I would be literally giddy with joy on the drive down. But the last day...the day I had to go home, I would be in the worst mood possible. Wanting to drive my car straight, even though the road curves. Just keep on going and see what happens... Not a good thing. Or the day that people were leaving, having this insane wish to throw myself at their feet and beg them to take me with them.

And then I started to be angry all the time. Always mad that no one could tell I was unhappy. Of course I was trying to hide it, I think every depressed person does, but still. The people closest to me should have been able to tell. Some glimpse of despair must have shone through. Some one should have known that I was unhappy. Depressed. Wanting. Something. Anything. I have to keep reminding myself that no one could have known. I have become very good at hiding it. Something may have poked through for a moment, but if I refused to acknowledge it, people would move on! Still, try to reconcile that with a moody bitch of a brain.

Finally I went to the doctor. I described what was going on. Yes, I work a lot, but when I am not at work, all I want to do is sleep. No, I have not really been eating. Sudden mood changes? Oh yeah. Not wanting to do my work at work? I guess that is true as well. Would you like a prescription to this medication?

Instant flashback to my first 2 years of high school. 2 years of living hell. Walking through life in a haze. Feeling nothing. Not happy, not sad, not angry, just numb. Taking myself off them because I wanted to live a real life, not some imitation of it. Do I want the drugs? No. In all reality, I don't.

He strongly cautioned me, saying that something has to change then, or these feelings are going to get worse. I promised to be careful, do some serious soul searching, and come back to him if things still were not going well in a couple of weeks. I seriously doubt that he ever expected to see me again.

But I did as I had promised. I searched my soul. Asked myself what I wanted. Is there something in my life that I am unhappy with? What would make me happier? I made a list. Anything that popped into my head. Everything that I could think of. Took me a few hours. I had 2 pages of things. And then I started crossing off the unimportant things. The ones I could deal with. And left the ones I knew were absolutely essential to change or I would have to take the drugs, which I desperately did not want to do.

1. I want to go back to school.
2. I miss home.
3. I don't mind my job, but I don't really love it.
4. I am not happy with my living situation.

So there I had it. These were the things that I needed to consider.

1. I was planning to take some night courses, to get my upgrading done, so that I could go back to school. But when I really thought about it, I'm afraid. If I am working more than full time, and I am trying to take these courses, I won't be putting my full attention to them, so what if I fail? Then I will have to start all over again, and be that much farther away from starting my nursing course. So what is the answer? Find something that is less stressful, somewhere I don't have to work as much, so I have time to concentrate.

2. I really am homesick. Not homesick in the way that most people would think of it. Not, oh goodness, I can't live without my mommy. That's not it. Not that I don't miss my family. I do. But I do see them quite often, and I am not paralyzed by the absense of my family. I miss the familiarity. Going into Wal-mart on a Saturday, and running into 15 people that I know. Someone giving me their address, and the general area, and me being able to find it no problem. Being able to call a friend when I am bored and say, hey girl, let's go see a movie, go for a walk, have coffee, etc. All things that I can't do here. I have been here for 6 months. Made no real friends. Still have no clue where almost anything is. I hate that. I might as well have come from the moon. Solution? Go back. Go home.

3. As I said, I don't mind my job. And I come everyday. But it is not the reason I get up in the morning. It's just that, well, I don't even know if I can explain it. At the beginning, I reorganized the office. Everything was spotless. I made changes, good changes. I liked my clean desk, my job, everything. A pay raise was hinted at. Of course, this pay raise never materialized. No one cared that it was nice and clean and organized. So I stopped caring. I do what I have to. Nothing more. Nothing less. I feel bad about it, because it is not like me to not give 110% on the job. I don't like feeling this way. But I can't seem to pull myself out of this rut. I want to be that perky receptionist from the beginning. I want to keep cleaning and organizing. So everyone can see how awesome I am. But I just don't care enough to do it. I should not be here. They deserve better. Someone who wants to be here everyday. Someone like I was at the beginning. Someone who will make this office a better place.

4. I want to live in a place that I don't avoid coming home to. Somewhere that I can come home, and cook, and eat, and clean after myself, without all the resentment of having to deal with someone else's shit before I can deal with my own. Somewhere that my tv is MY tv. Where I can cook when someone else is cooking, because who cares if 2 people are using the stove. Somewhere that I can do laundry without having to fold the load in the dryer, and empty the lint screen from 300 dryer loads, and sarcastically wonder nothing ever gets dry, and we need to change the dryer hose every month. Where I don't have to wipe up the piss from all over the bathroom floor because someone does not know how to aim. (God, it comes away from your body. You can hold it with both hands if necessary. How hard can it be? Seriously!) Where the meaning of clean dishes means sparkly and spotless, not smeared, smudged, and flakes leftover.

Once I had all that out, it was clear to me. Do I want to stay here? Or do I want to go home. Will I be happier here if I change these things? The resounding answer was NO. GO HOME. And that was it.

Complete feeling of peace. Utter and total bliss. No more depressing thoughts. No more stress. Go home. Home. Home. Home. The word fills me with joy. I am happy. Like I have not been happy in a long time. And I knew. I need this. Home. Peace. Peace of mind. Peace of heart. Peace of soul. Peace.

So I started making plans. I made an appointment at the college back home. I met with a student advisor. I met with someone in charge of scholarships and bursaries. I registered. I made an appointment for (YUCK!!) math testing. (They need to see what level I am at because it has been awhile since I took math.) I have a phone appointment, so we can discuss my scores, and put me in the right courses. I talked to my mom and dad. They will let me live with them for free until they move in January. I can save money for school. I can pay off a few more bills. They don't mind. I am so glad. It will be weird to live with them again, but I can handle it for 4 months. I told my boss. I let her know I was homesick and that I wanted to go back to school with no distractions. She took it very well. I don't think she was suprised. She knew something was wrong. The other 2 places that I work know I am leaving, they just don't know when. My room mate knows I am going, he was not really suprised either. He seemed okay with it. No big blow up, nothing like I was expecting. Maybe people saw more than I thought.

Now that all this is in place, I feel so much better. No drugs needed. I am excited. I want the time to be up already. Still 8 more weeks. Can I do it? Yep. I can, and I will. Because there is now a light at the end of the tunnel. I am at peace with the world and myself. There is still a lot of work ahead, because I will have to move (AGAIN!) and train a new receptionist at the office. Packing, cleaning, training, man, I am gonna be tired. But it will be worth it.

Peace out peoples!

~!~Peace~!~