The Biggest Clutz?

Rest assured folks, you are sitting here reading the blog of the biggest clutz ever! Okay, maybe not ever, I tend to exaggerate, but still. How many people do you know that break their arm tripping over their own feet?

Well, if your answer was none, you may add me to your list. Yup, that's right. Me. Broken arm. As of Wednesday night. Or was it Thursday morning. I guess it would have been, because I did not get out of work until around midnight.

So here is the funny story that you are free to share with your friends.

Laura is closing at work, because it is only the second time she has done it herself, it takes a little longer than usual. She is tired, because she has been working 14 hour days for the past little while. So finally everything is taken care of, and she does not want to have to go back in the store for a bag for all the crap she is carrying in her hands. So she leaves it, barely able to see over the pile in her arms. So after the door is locked she heads to her car, not really watching her step. She feels slightly off balance, and as she steps off the curb, finds herselF FALLING. Smashes her left side on the curb, and catches herself on the right. Her left wrist hurts a little, but that is the same wrist she has tendonitis in. Maybe she just banged it a little. Goes to bed. Wakes up the next morning, and her whole left arm is numb! Panics, goes to emergency. Finds out that there is a small crack in the bone. Has to wear her brace for 2 weeks. Take some T3s. Yay.

I was thinking about making up a good story so that it would be more interesting at least. But alas, my drugged up brain can come up with nothing. The post might be a little dis-jointed, can be attributed to the aforementioned medication. And you have no idea how crappy it is to type SLOWLY with one hand when you are used to clicking things out at rapid speeds.

At least they did not cast it. Then it would be hard to shower. I can take off my brace to shower. Small comforts I guess.

Clutz? Yes. Me.

Ass Hole!

So there is this guy I know. And I think he is a little tiny bit hot. Well, a lot actually. I have danced with him a couple of times, we have flirted a bit, and I thought, well, maybe, he is a little bit interested.

Turns out that he is an asshole. He said, and I quote:

"You are nice, but I'm sorry, I could never date a fat girl."

Do I feel like shit? Yep. Do I feel less than desirable? No. Because everytime I was dancing with this particular guy, there was hard evidence that he was not immune to close contact with me, regardless of size, so I know he was at least interested in that....

So apparently his only issue is being seen in public with a "fat" girlfriend. Which I am working on anyway. Why is it that all people care about is what you can see from the outside? I think it sucks. Get over yourself buddy. I deserve better.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Saw this and could not stop laughing. Had to share. Sounds like my house!

Friendship - in the true sense!

Are you sick of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound like Hallmark cards, and never come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speak to true friendship:

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you've finally had sex.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and tell you to quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath ...I pledge it till the end. Why, you ask?Because you are my friend.

Remember:
A good friend will help you move.
A really good friend will help you move a body.
Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.

I got this in an email from a really good friend, and while most of you may have seen it already, it describes most of my friendships to a tee. Except for the sick part. I always get it anyway, so I stick around. Chicken soup anyone?

Family

I have never understood what it is about family. What it is that makes us need one. Is it the feeling of emotional intimacy? Is it more some kind of physical closeness? A blood connection?

I am blessed. I am lucky. I have a family who loves me. They love each other. They are warm, open, giving, and kind. We have no skeletons in our closets. There used to be some problems, but after help, they are all gone now. We are close. I love it.

I know people who have no family. Either by choice or by force. They always seem to be searching for some kind of replacement. Something is missing. They are not whole. They surround themselves with friends, people they can substitute for family. (Don't get me wrong, I do this too...) What is it that makes us act this way?

And then I think of the people who are abused. I had a friend who was badly abused by his mom. She hit him, and screamed at him, and landed him in the hospital on more than one occasion. And yet, he still tried to be a "good boy". He tried so desperatly to make her love him. Tried in vain to make them like a "normal" family. (He is married to a wonderful girl, and his mom is completely out of his life now.)

I have been wondering if family is a concept of society or if it is something natural. Some kind of instinct. Think about it. Some animals, gorillas for instance, stay in large groups their whole lives. Lions send away the male young as soon as they reach maturity. Bears are solitary animals once their young can fend for themselves. Seems to me that we have all kinds of humans too.

I, for one, crave that contact. The emotional intimacy. The sense of physical well-being (by that I mean when I am sick, I want my mommy.) I will never function well without a family. It just makes me wonder. I don't think it makes me weak, but at the same time, I am weak. Just food for thought I guess.

Yay!

So my mom and dad and little sister are coming to visit me this weekend. I am excited about this. I have not seen them in 3 weeks. I suppose that is not a long time to some people, but I miss them. And I am excited to see them. Only thing is, they will be here at around 9:30 pm. I have to work until 12:30 am. So really, I won't get to see them until tomorrow. Which kind of stinks. But hey, such is life. Really busy here at work, so I shall leave you with this.

To put the world right in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order; to put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right.

Confucius

Clunk

So here I sit, nursing quite possibly the worst head ache I have ever had. What happened? Well, a shelf fell on my head. And it hurts. I can barely see straight, can't concentrate, and somehow I need to make it through the day. I wonder if I can get worker's comp. Doubt it. I think that's all I can manage for now. Sorry guys.

Bulls in a China Shop - NO! - Laura in a Donut Shop

So today is one of the realtor's wedding anniversary, and I was asked to stop at Tim Horton's this morning to pick up a box of donuts to celebrate the occasion. Rather than go through drive-thru and have them hate me forever, I thought I should go in. Now I am wondering if I should have gone the drive-thru route, and damn the criticism.

Actual Situation:
Laura is standing in line for the till, when a young mother with her son get in line behind me. When it was my turn, I ordered 24 assorted donuts to go (for the office) and a medium iced capp and a BLT bagel (for me). Not to shabby, I thought. I had to go for the office anyway, so what the heck, right? Then I turned the side a bit, and caught the horrified glance of the young woman behind me. She looked as though someone had just tried to force-feed her a balloon. Her eyes were popping out of her head, and her mouth flapped in the wind of her breath not finding the words she was searching for. I instantly understood what she was assuming. She thought I was ordering all this food FOR ME!!! 2 things ran through my head.

Hypothetical Scenario #1:
I would turn to her and say "Aren't anniversary's wonderful? One of my co-workers has his 18th! Isn't that great? Hardly anyone stays married that long anymore. We are having a little get-together for him this morning, and he requested donuts."
Her mouth would close, she would lose the look of glazed terror, and feel slightly ashamed of herself.

Hypothetical Scenario #2:
The clerk would hand me the 2 large boxes of donuts, I would drop my purse, rip open my sweater ala The Hulk style, and dive face first into the boxes of donuts like I had not eaten in a week, and it was my only hope of survival. Of course, I would be looking up occasionally and growling at the other patrons, as if they were going to steal my delicious feast. In my mind's eye, I saw the judgemental young mother turn to her son and say, "See, this is why it is so scary to become fat! You would never want to be like her, would you?"

Actual Situation:
I stared at her until she realised she was staring, she blushed and looked down. I picked up the 2 boxes, and the small bag containing my breakfast, thanked the teller politely, and walked out of the store with my head held high.

I seriously don't understand people. Okay, I am a little bit bigger, but it's not like I am morbidly obese or anything. I carry a few extra pounds, so what? A lot of people do. But to have that kind of reaction? Hello! It's Tim Horton's. Tons of people make big orders, you know why? Because they are ordering for more than one person! I wanted to yell and scream and freak out.

But I didn't.

After all, I still have to live in this town.

It might have been fun to be known as the crazy donut lady though....