Sunshine

I remember it being a beautiful, sunny, perfect summer day outside. I was young, maybe 7 or 8, and was being horribly grouchy because I had been forcibly dragged from my warm, cozy sleep nest. My dad wanted to take me for a hike. Well, in all reality, it was not much of a hike, seeing as how we lived in a smallish farmhouse on the prairie, but there was a small, gurgling creek that we frequently fell in while horsing around, and a few trees to build tree houses and imaginary fortresses in. We can call it a walk. My dad, the hardworking farmer at heart, who was, at the time, working to repair the evil invention of the modern man that still frustrates the hardworking white collar classes, also known as the photocopier. He sat in a van, driving around the Southern Alberta countryside, at the beck and call of those who believed their corporate world would end if he did not fix the problem ASAP! We had not spent much time with him lately, as he had been working overtime to suprise us with, quite possibly, the most wonderful gift parents can ever give their overactive children, a trampoline! We spent hours and hours playing dolls, telling stories, having fights and making up, and, last but certainly not least, all of the jumping games you can possibly think of on that trampoline. But I digress. That particular morning, my dad wanted to go for a walk with me. Just me. And I was being disgustingly uncooperative all because I had wanted to sleep. Instead of yelling or insisting, as I might have expected of him, since such ways were the usual, he simply knelt down in the tiny kitchen of that prairie home. He held me by the hands, and opened his mouth, and instead of the beratement that I was certain was coming, the pure, clear notes of his wonderful singing voice emerged. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are grey. You'll never know dear, how much I love you, so please don't take my sunshine away. I cried. He took my hand, and led me out into the sunshine, and we walked.

Secretary's Day

So today is Secretary's Day. I happen to be a secretary. Or receptionist, or administrative assistant, depending on how set you are on political correctness. I wonder if anyone knows, other than me. Not that it matters. But today I feel important. And then I think about it. When I am sick, and not at the office, everything falls apart. I am needed here. Nothing gets done when I am not here. Well, to be honest, the realtors still get their stuff done. But none of the main office work gets done. And my boss gets nothing done, because she is answering the phone all day. It makes them wonder how I get everything done. Giggle. Because I am amazing. I can multitask, and really, I am just the best thing since sliced bread! (Who came up with that saying anyways? And what was the best thing before sliced bread was it? Sorry, could not help myself.) Anywho. Like I said, today I feel important. And even if no one else realizes that today is Secretary's Day, it is my day!

*Sigh*

My cousin and his girlfriend are engaged. They are both wonderful people, and I love both of them. They are perfect for each other, and they make each other happy. I am very happy for them. But...I'm sooooo jealous.

Why am I jealous you might ask? Because I am alone. I have friends, some really good friends. I have a loving family. I have a good house that I like. I have a good job that is fun. But there is still something missing.

I know that everyone says you will find that someone. But sometimes I think they are lying. They want me to think that so I won't feel bad about myself. So that I won't sink down into the pit of self despair. And I hate to think that I would even come close to that.

I don't need a man to be happy. I don't have to get married and have kids to live a full life. I don't need to have wonderful mind blowing sex every night. (okay maybe I do need that one :)

But I want to. I am happy, and I will be with or without a man. Not to say that I never have my moments, then I'd be lying. But all in all, I do okay.

Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me. Do I say the wrong thing to people? Am I obnoxious? No fun to hang out with? No sense of adventure? Is my sense of humor not funny to other people? Do I talk about myself too much or not enough? Am I the wrong shape or size? Let me honest, do people think I'm ugly? (Good Lord, I should hope not.) Or am I just the kind of girl who is just a friend? Someone guys can talk to, but don't think about dating. I don't want to be that girl. I want to be someone people want to be around. I want to be funny and flirtatious, but not a slut. I want to be able to hold my own in a conversation, but not be arguing with someone. I want to be appreciated, and cherished, and loved.

Is that too much to ask? Am I supposed to be the one who is always single? I don't want that. *sigh*

But enough self pity. I don't need any more of that. I do that too much to myself already. If any of you out there think that you have a friend who is perfect for me, let me know! Get me out of my rut. Don't let me have any more self pity rants. Give me that kick in the ass I need. Sometimes we all need help. Some more than others :) giggle. Yes I am nuts. I never denied it! :)

StOp MoViNg ThE eNdS! ! !

So here I am again, sorry about the absence guys. Been busy. But I should never be too busy to talk (post, whatever) to my friends. And Jo, I'm so sorry I did not get to see you this weekend. Where were you? I tried to call (your phone does not work, and no one answered at your mom's) I wanted to see you and hang out with you :( We shall have to make some arrangements beforehand the next time. And you better get your phone fixed! :)

Anyway... so I've been thinking. Yes, a dangerous thing, I know. I was thinking that I should work more. I don't really want to, after all, who likes to work, right? But I have this problem. I have debts. I don't like them, and I don't want them. I want to go to school and become a nurse. Thing is, this costs money. Lots and lots of money. *Sigh*. I don't want to do it until I am a little more financially secure, seeing as how I will be taking out another loan when I do go back to school. Again, *sigh*. I think that once you are out of high school, and start continuing on, you will never be debt free again. Its like a saying that is on my coffee (okay, okay, hot chocolate, I don't like coffee) mug at work. "Everytime I think I can finally make ends meet, somebody moves the ends." And right now, thats exactly how I feel. At this very moment, I have $12.15 in my wallet. I get $200 on Friday, but that has to right away pay bills. And then I get a regular paycheck at the end of the month, but still, thats for rent and food. So stretching everything is going to be Laura's magic trick for this month. And the next one, and then next one, and.... well you get the picture. I am already working two jobs. My regular 8:30-5 Mon thru Fri, and one weekend a month (24 hour care) for a handicapped lady. So now, I think I will have to sign up for a third job, and work that much more. I hate this feeling. And I hate not being able to have a little extra. Oh, crap. I just remembered that I need to renew the registration on my car this month. Well, so much for that. My whole budget just went down the toilet. *sigh*

So there is my self pity rant for you. I have not done one in a while, and I know you all probably don't want to hear it, but there it is. Sorry about that guys. I needed to get that off my (rather ample) chest. Sorry Jo, could not resist. *giggle* Anyways, hope all y'all had a good easter, and (hopefully) some time off to recharge. Thanks for everything!

Way Too Much Stuff...

So here Laura goes, moving again (after only 5 months... arg). Fun fun. Only now I have to up and down stairs 125 times a day. *sigh* I thought that I had gotten rid of a lot of things when I moved last, and I did, but it just seems to multiply. Since I don't know many people, I am doing most of this myself. The only good thing is that I am much more organised this time. I also can move over three evenings. So tonight and tomorrow night, all of my small stuff goes... and then on Wednesday night, when I have help, and a borrowed truck, all the big furniture goes. So then I clean on Wednesday night too, and then on Thursday afternoon, I go home for Easter... Once again, *sigh*. Too much stuff to move, too much stuff to do in one week, too much stuff going through my head.

Up!

I am listening to, of all things, Shania Twain. Don't even really like her music, but her song is on the radio. Up!

In her song she says it can only go up from here. Up!

I'm going up!

Abandoned.

Abandoned

One friend. Spent all our time together.

Laughed, shared, cried.

Ate out, and ate in.

She was there for me. I was there for her.

One night changed everything.

I got a new job, had to move.

Nothing is the same.

She does not talk to me. She does not seem to want to make time for me.

I feel betrayed. I feel lonely.

I lost my best friend.

Disney Princess

Which Disney Princess am I? Apparently the one who watches and dreams from afar. I can see that. But she gets up the guts to get the man. I don't think I have them...

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