All the different pieces.

All of the different pieces of my life are like a giant puzzle. The more I try to put them together, the harder it seems to to be to make them all fit. Everytime I get one piece in place, another pops out, and I can't remember where it went. I have been trying so hard to become a self-sustaining, independant, likeable, not-so-argumentative person. Balance life, healthy habits, and good lifestyle. Seems like something is always missing. Just when I think I am at peace, something else pops out, and I have to struggle to make it all fit in the lines again...*sigh*

For Hayley and Jo

Found this quote...

You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. - Dr. Seuss

5 Cuurraaazzzeeee Things I want to do....

1. I want a nose job. To make my nose straight. I hate surgery. But I want to do it anyway.
2. I want to write a book. A book where everyone is as crazy and screwed up as people are in real life.
3. I want to get totally wasted, dance like crazy, make out with a hot guy, and in general, be the absolute life of the party (something I am not... :( shucks)
4. I want to drop everything, give one days notice, and go away for awhile. Go someplace warm. Just for the hell of it.
5. I want another peircing. The one right below your bottom lip. I think it is cute.

Lose Control

Sometimes I want to lose control.

I don't want to always be the good girl.

I want to say f*** it and do what I want.

I want to make out with whoever and not care about it tomorrow.

I want to go out dancing and make a total fool of myself.

I want to get drunk, and have someone else take care of me for a change.

I don't want to watch my language.

I don't want to be polite or nice.

Why should I?

Who cares?

I care. But I don't want to.

I wish I could let go. Lose control. But I can't.

Mark?

I have been reading a book by Dean Koontz called Fear Nothing. He is a very descriptive writer, and totally draws you into the story. Its a good book, a bit weird, but good nonetheless. One of the points made by one of the characters in the book has kept me thinking about it since I read it.

It is along the lines of: Have you ever stopped to think that maybe we were never meant to leave a lasting impression on this world? Everone wants to leave their mark. But maybe we are not supposed to.

I can't stop thinking about this. There are so many people trying to do just that. Leave their mark on the world. They are attaining world records, and making huge publicity stunts, and becoming presidents, or assassins, or whatever. They want the whole world to know who they are and what they have done.

I never thought about it before, but maybe, just maybe the character in the story was right. Maybe we are not supposed to leave a permanent mark on the world. Maybe the world would be better if we just left it alone. I have nothing against the people trying to cure cancer, and other horrible diseases that destroy life, don't get me wrong. But at the same time, it seems as if these same people will stop at nothing. They will experiment with aborted babies, they will test on humans, they will kill all kinds of innocent animals, all in the name of science and research. So maybe if we just let it be... If you think about it, it seems as though diseases are getting more and more resistant to the drugs and miracle treatments we throw at them. Again, I have nothing against medical science, as they have saved my life on more than one occasion. But it does give me pause to think about it.

At the same time, we all leave our mark on the world, even if it is not as drastic as the aforementioned example. I know that I will never be the same person I was before I met some of the key people in my life. They have changed me, made me think different, given me new and broader horizons. So even if they were to be gone tomorrow, their influence has left its mark on me. And in turn I'm sure their influence will land on someone else through me. And in that way, there will be a mark left on the world. This mark cannot be seen, cannot be heard or directly traced back to that person. Maybe this is the greatest mark we can leave. I know its the one I want to leave behind.

Just thought I would share.

And the Blow up....

So this is interesting. Apparently Bill never wanted to be my room mate. He was "forced". Which is bull shit. If he did not want to live with me, he did not have to frickin' move up here. He could have stayed living at home with his mommy and daddy, who treated him like shit, sit on his ass, and do nothing all day. No driver's liscense, no job, no friends, no nothing. He wanted to move away from them, and come and live and work up here. So I offered. He could be my room mate. I could not really afford to live by myself. I did not really want to live by myself. I like the company. I thought we were getting along really good. But according to Mr. Know-It-All, I treat him like a little kid. I tell him to clean up (I am of course cleaning and offer the statement, do you want to clean the living room or the kitchen, because it is a total mess.) Which if I was sitting on my ass, doing nothing, and telling him to clean, okay, I could see that. But thats not how it was. I was cleaning. Since most of the furniture is mine, and I can't afford to replace it, I would appreciate it if it was treated a little nicely so that it lasts for a while. Not too much to ask right? Well, I guess it came across as, it is my stuff, don't touch it, don't use it. Not so. I said, please don't wreck it. Thats it. Not don't use it. Unless you are an idiot and destry everything you touch, but then thats your problem. So Laura is totally flabbergasted. Has no idea of what to say, because this kind of came out of no where. So I walked away for a moment, and then walked back and asked where this was all coming from. So we talked about it. I promised to try harder to I don't know whatever! Still not entirely sure what the problem was, but Bill is not so good with relating to people. So anyway. Guess its all good now. But I am still a little confuzzled. Like what the f*** just happened? I guess he feels better. So whatever. I was okay before that.

ReMiX

What if I remix my life?

I could change the way I dress. I could change the way I talk. I could change the way I walk. I could change the way I wear makeup. I could find a new job. I could live in a new place. I could have a different room mate, or none, or lots. I could listen to different music. Do different things for entertainment. I could eat different things. I could do all kinds of things differently.

What if I remix my life?

I would not be me.

Ideal? Totally!

This is me. Of a sort. So glad I am not stick thin. These women were the ideal size and shape of their times. Why is that not how it is now? I don't get it. I think these women are beautiful. Nevermind the fact that they are naked. Who cars. But I truly think that people have a warped sense of beauty these days. These women are healthy and normal, not only that but they were admired. Thats how it should be now.

Does anyone even read this?

So right now, I am feeling kind of useless. I should be working hard, but I'm not. I will later. Maybe. Feeling kind of down. Not depressed. Just kind of blah. Like nothing good or really rainbow is going to happen today. No phone calls. No visits. No hot guys that maybe want my number? I would give it out like candy today! (And then, of course, regret it tomorrow.) I think K and I are going to BPs to watch the game tonight. Should be interesting. Although I think I should not drink. I am a little to weird today to add alcohol to the mix. I hope something interesting happens today. Like someone new reading my blog. Or winning some money. Or running into a friend that I have not seen in a while. Or even just some random person smiling at me like I made their day just by walking by. All I need is a hug. Some reassurance that I am important to someone. Something. Anything. That would be rainbow cool.

Oh My...

So Bill and I are moving. It is official. And now our landlord is going to be a jerk about it! Arg. We have no lease agreement, nothing down on paper, and now they throw the Landlord-Tenant Act in my face. You have to give notice from the 1st to the 1st. How about the 15th to the 15th? Thats what you are getting! Thats a full month, and with the shortage of housing around here, its not like you won't be able to find replacements. Hell, I could find my own replacement. I bet I could have it for the 15th too! So take that you bastards. Now I am worried that if something breaks, they are not going to fix it. Well you are leaving anyway, what difference does it make? Bah. I can just see it now. Laura sitting in her basement, wearing all the clothes she owns, along with every single blanket in the house, and she is still shivering. *Sigh* Oh, and she can see her breath! Just peachy. (This is based on a true story by the way.) Man. This is just what I needed. Thanks. Jerks!

My Requirements for the perfect man...

I know this is corny, and most people probably don't care, but I have decided that the man I will marry must be in posession of certain qualities, which will assure me that he is actually Mr. Right and not an imposter.

1. Mr. Right will not be an overbearing asshole. He will be calm, polite, and nice to my friends, even if they are not his favorite people.

2. He will eat anything I cook, even if it is somewhat undercooked in places, and burnt in others.

3. Said man will not care that I am "Rubenesque" - a nice word for saying I am not so slender. He will lust after my curves and enjoy every one of them.

4. He must be a tiger in bed. I want to go to sleep every night absolutely exhausted by his attentions. (Sounds good doesn't it?)

5. The perfect man will not be afraid of tears. If I cry in a movie, its because its emotional, not because something is wrong. However, if I am crying because I really am upset, he will kiss away the tears, apologize if it is something he did, or make amends the best way he can if it is not his fault.

6. He will love children, and have no objection to me bearing his children. He will also still be attentive to me whilst I am pregnant, and not find me repugnent. I must "glow" to him, even if I look like shit because of the hormones.

7. Mr. Right will know how to drive. By drive, I mean, not like an idiot. No e-brake turns, no skidding around on the ice, and no curvy curvy swerves on the hiway.

8. He must be taller than me. I know it sounds stupid, but it would really bug me if he was shorter than me. Its just a pet peeve.

9. My man will get along with my family, love them, argue with them, and treat them as if they were his own. He will also agree with me when I say that they are complete whack jobs.

10. The most important quality that this man must posess is love. He will love me with all his heart, and make sure he tells me everyday. He will be loving and faithful, and take care of me for the rest of our lives.

yegch!!!

Are all men truly assholes? Are they are perverted disgusting jerks?

Here is the scene...Laura goes upstairs to inform her landlord that, once again, her door is not shutting, and her basement suite is freezing, and she really would like her door to be able to close and lock properly. (Not too much to ask, I would think, since the landlord knew about the problem since I moved in...) Not only that, but she is planning to go out with some friends, and some weird, greasy, freakishly ferretlike man has his car parked behind hers, and she cannot get out.

Anywho. So Bill (cousin and roomate for those of you who don't know) goes up to the door. Apparently Mike (landlord) gets offended by Bill's presence, but immediatly calms down when I get to the door.

Me: Hi Mike, we were just leaving, and someone is parked behind us...

Bill: Yeah, so can someone move their car?

Mike: Hey now man! Just chill out, I'll deal with it, okay? (Of course this is said in a very loud, drunken, and gruff type of voice.)

Me: (having visions of grown men wrestling around in the snow in the driveway like some kind of weird demented lemmings jumps right in.) No no! Its not a problem, we just wanted to be able to go pretty quick. I started the car, and it has to warm up for a second anyway...

Mike: (very creepy look... eww!!) So how've you been keeping yourself? You look good.

Of course by this time, I can hardly not notice that he is using the doorframe to prop himself up... Not only that, but his 2 kids (yes, single but with kids... not interested, sorry!) are standing right behind him. Not exactly the most appropriate time or place to hit on your much younger (much!) and obviously not interested basement tenant.

Me: I am good. Been keeping busy...(frantically trying to come up with some way to end the conversation and run!) So, do you think someone could move that blue car?

Mike: We should go out for coffee sometime. How about tomorrow morning?

Me: (anything to get out of here!) Sure...about that car?

It was at this point that I noticed his girlfriend standing there as well. So not only is he like close to 30, but he has 2 kids, 7 and 11 years old, and a girlfriend (who is not the mother of his kids.) To make matters worse he is hitting on me...Can you say gross?

Now, I have not mentioned this part, because I am not racist, but he is also native. I was really good friends with some native girls in college, and one of my aunts is native as well. All of my cousins from that family have their Indian status (which allows you to fish without a liscense!! A little off the topic, but cool nonetheless.) Anyway, just trying to provide a little background on how I am anything but racist. Point being, he was sort of fitting the poor stereotypical image of natives that people have, and well, I was not impressed.

Me: Um, so we'd better go, my car has been running for a while. (can I get out of here, please? PLEASE????)

Bill: Yeah we'd better go. (Sure Bill, pipe up now... good timing buddy. Could you have, i don't know, maybe interupted before the creep asked me out in front of his girlfriend and kids?)

Mike: We've been celebrating with my friend Johnny here, its his 21st birthday, and you should come in and party with us...

(Johnny of course, being the aforementioned weird, greasy, freakishly ferretlike man...)

Johnny: (very slurring speech and stumbling manner) SShhuuure, i can move my char. (Char? okay buddy, have another one.)

Blech!!! To make a long story short now I am extremely creeped out every time I see my Landlord! I want to move!! Pervert! In front of his kids. Yegch!! And not only that, when we went to the bar, no one that was not old, creepy, or vaguely ferretlike hit on me. All old disgusting men. I want a young one. A not creepy one, who has absolutely no resemblance to any nocturnal animal of any kind of rat family. I still have shivers thinking about it.

Wow! Yum.

FLOP - a print by Anniina R.

So... I came across this painting. Or, well, rather this picture of a painting. And all I can say is wow. Does he not look the picture of scrumptious? Well, at least to all those who enjoy men anyway. I would not mind waking up to him. Whew! And he is not even real. Well, he could be. And would I ever not mind it if he was!!! YUM.

Cold Urticaria

For all of you who ever wondered what my medical condition really was, or how it works, here is some info I found today. (The subject was in my mind because I found my MedicAlert bracelet last night, and decided I really should be wearing it.)

Some people develop hives on the skin when they encounter cold temperatures. This condition, called cold urticaria, is the most common type of hives caused by a physical condition. The hives are produced by a rapid release of histamine brought about by IgE antibodies and eosinophils (a type of white blood cell often involved in allergic reactions) in response to the cold. Rapid cooling, as from the evaporation when one gets out of a swimming pool, can trigger cold urticaria even on a warm day. For people with cold urticaria, swimming in very cold water is quite dangerous, sometimes even causing death.Treatment of cold urticaria involves avoiding the cold, when possible, and taking antihistamines. Most affected people are advised to carry an epinephrine releasing device, such as an Epipen, or EpInhaler.

I also found out that this condition affects approximatly 12.5% of the population in North Amercia. So I am not alone! And now hopefully you all know a little more about it too!

Me against Your world.

Simple Plan - Me Against The World

I'm a nightmare, a disaster
That's what they always say
I'm a lost cause, not a hero
But I'll make it on my own
I've gotta prove them wrong
Me against the world
It's me against the world

Stop telling me what I can and can't do. Stop making me feel like crap! I can do it. I will do it! I don't need you. I don't need to hear your discouragement. Why can't you just be supportive? Why don't you believe in me? If I think I can do it, why don't you? What is wrong with me that I can't make my own dreams come true? I will do it. Just you wait and see. I will prove you wrong. I will make it happen. If it means blood, bleed I will. If it means sweat, perspire I will. If it means tears, cry my heart out I will. Blood, sweat, and tears. I have posession of all of these things. I have the drive, the determination. Nothing can stop me. You won't stop me. All of your hurtful words have only fueled the fire. Burn!! I will burn until there is nothing left to catch fire. And then I will still continue. I can do it. This is not just a random desire. It is what I want. And that means that the fire burns from with in me. And you cannot put out that fire. No matter how hard you try. If you are afraid of the flames, then step back! Stop trying to put it out. I will do it. I am not a nightmare, it is my dream. I am not a disaster. I am a well made, well thought out person. I have my own thoughts, my own dreams. I am not a lost cause. For me to be lost, I would have to have no direction. Do you see me stopping and asking for directions? No. I know where I am going. I am a hero. I am someone's hero. I will be my own hero if necessary. I am not trying to save the world. I am just trying to make a difference. I will make it on my own. Me against your world.

Believe in Yourself!

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense. - Buddha

I very much agree with this. If someone tells you something, and it clicks a wrong switch in your brain, then why should you automatically accept it? It means you need to believe in yourself. I know that when I think something is wrong, it usually is. Even if I don't know what. And this endorses the whole concept of self trust. I like it. I really do. Believe in yourself! You know what you are talking (thinking) about!

100 Things about me.

I just read Joey's post from a while ago where she listed 100 things about her. I thought that was an awesome thing to do, and it gave me a lot of insight. I also think it will make me get to know myself better. And I want that. I should know myself better than anyone else knows me. So this will be a good experiment. And I am excited about it. So here goes. This could take a while.

1. I love pink. I think it looks good on me, and it makes me feel good.
2. I used to HATE pink. Thats right, I said it. I used to hate pink. I would not buy it, I would not wear it, I used to hate it with a passion. Then I started working with a lady at Fanny's named LeAnna. She rocked. Anyways, she loved pink so much, and gave me a pink shirt (which I still have by the way) after that I was hooked. There was no going back.
3. I think that I look best in this one pair of jeans I have. They make me feel hot. (And if I wear my racy pink lacy scandalous underwear with them, I even feel sexy! shhh don't tell anyone.)
4. There is nothing better than a comfortable push up bra. I feel that it is a form of pick me up. (In my case, it is literal! hee hee.)
5. I hate pointy toe shoes. They look good on some people, and someday I might try a pair (although I don't think so). My theory is, if your shoes can kill, you should not be wearing them, or you might trip someday and accidently kill yourself. And they make your feet look bigger than they are. I don't find that to be a good thing at all.
6. I love shoes. I don't even have to wear them. As long as they are mine, I like them. I used to have 38 pairs of shoes. I had to get rid of some - they were broken. And some were just really old. But I still have about 20 pairs. I only wear 3. But I have lots, if I want to wear different ones and that makes me feel good.
7. I hate that I can't get the same clothes as everyone else. Just because I am bigger, does not mean I don't want to have nice clothes. I want to look hot, because I am hot. Right. But hot clothes do make you feel hotter. And thats a good thing.
8. I hate that plus size clothes are more expensive. Seriously. It does not cost that much more to make something one or two sizes bigger. I would know. I sew. Some things you do need a little more fabric for, but once you average it out, its not that big a deal. Somebody rigged the pricing dammit!! I want someone to fix it.
9. I love the fact that I can make my clothes when I want to. That way, when I go out, and someone says, "Oh thats an awesome skirt! Where did you get it?" I can say (with more than a little self satisfaction) "I made it, and I know its awesome!"
10. You know that feeling when you go out, and you see your friends, and they stop you and say, "Damn girl! You look hot tonight!" It just makes your day! You will protest, but deep down, you are jumping up and down saying "Someone noticed!!!! YAY!"

11. I am retardedly proud of how soft my hands are. I put lotion on them at least twice a day. And I love to sit there when I am bored and feel how soft my hands are.
12. I am also proud of my scars. How many people will tell you that? I have a story to go with almost all of them. And its fun to remember how stupid you are sometimes.
13. I think I have sexy feet. I know that sounds stupid, but I do! Some people have ugly feet, with uneven toes, and scaly heels. Yuck! Mine are soft, with even toes, and my tattoo just makes them even cuter. Call me weird, but I like my feet.
14. You know how people say they will never get plastic surgery? I am totally not one of those people. If I had the chance, and the money, I would do it in a heartbeat. I want my nose to be normal. Yes it is crooked, and I can't breathe out of one side, and I want it fixed. I probably would get more done, but that is neither here nor there, because I don't have the money, and probably never will.
15. I have no problem with cutting or coloring my hair. I am not afraid to try something different. After all, it is just hair. It will grow back. And if the color is stupid, you can change it. Ah, the wonders of hair dye.
16. I love tattoos. I love the rush they give me. And so far I only have one. I can see how tattoos would be addicting. I don't like it when people have tattoos on their necks or faces, but pretty much anything else goes for me. Not full body or anything, but a few here or there, no problem. They give people character, and tell a story, if well chosen. I totally plan on getting a few more, but once again, it is all a matter of money!
17. I also love peircings. I would totally date someone with peircings. After all, I have one. Okay, so its my nose. But I have quite a few in my ears, and I did them myself. That should count for something right? I would love to get my tongue peirced, but I have spent far too much money on my teeth to justify that. Or the little one under your bottom lip. I don't know what that one is called, but I like it, and I think maybe one day I might do it. Or at least think about doing it.
18. The biggest turn on in the world is a guy who smells good. At least for me. If you smell good, I will talk to you for at least 10 minutes just on that basis alone.
19. Biggest turn off? Bad hygeine. If you have rotting teeth, uncombed, greasy hair, and body odour, GET AWAY FROM ME! I am not interested. You could be the nicest person ever, rich beyond my wildest dreams, and totally in love with me, but if you can't be bothered, I can't be bothered. Buh-bye.
20. I think PDAs are sometimes good and sometimes bad. Those couples who hold hands, give each other quick smooches every once in a while are cute. I have no problems with them. But those couples who are all over each other? Grabbing body parts, slobbering all over each other? Get a room please. I don't need to see that. Gross.

21. I love to read. I remember I once decided not to go somewhere with my family for a day because I wanted to stay home and read. Sort of pathetic, but I guess I needed a day to myself.
22. I read Red Dragon (Part of the Hannibal Lector Series) and the book gave me night mares. It was that scary. Thats how I know I will never watch those movies.
23. I love juvenile fiction. Remeber the Sweet Valley Twins? I loved those books. I used to read them all the time.
24. I used to have a crush on the...wait for it...The Hardy Boys. You might ask how you can have a crush on a fictional character. Well, you can. Or I can anyway. They sounded so strong and awesome in the books. I never could decide which one I liked better, although I think it was Joe. 25. You know the Harlequin Romance novels? Love them. I am so addicted. They are totally mindless. Smut as my cousin Karen calls them. I don't consider them to be smut. But definitly mindless.
26. I think I could be the smartest person in the world, if I read the encyclopedia from a-z. I have actually sat for hours reading encyclopedias when I was in grade school, not that I remember any of it.
27. I love historical books. There is nothing more interesting to me. It can be fact, or fiction, if it is based in the past, I will find it enthralling.
28. I am not a big fan of politics. I like books like The Bourne Identity, and things about clandestine government operations, but not when there is too much politics involved. It bores me. I will never be a politician.
29. I would love to write books that people like me would read. Don't know if it will ever happen, but it would be cool if it did. The stories are all in my head, but it is hard to get them down on paper.
30. When I sit and read, I circle my lips with my finger. I don't know why I do this. Its just something I have always done. About a year ago, I noticed that my mom does the same thing. So I must have seen her doing it and picked it up without noticing. Strange how things like that happen.

31. I am fundamentally a lazy person. Its true, I am.
32. I could be the most organized person in the world. But as I said, I am lazy, so while I have the best of intentions, I am not the most organized person.
33. I am late for everything. Again, it is because I am lazy, and I don't get ready to go until the last moment. And then nothing goes right, so I am late.
34. I love to sleep. I will take every spare moment I have to sleep. I think this also contributes to my lateness on a regular basis.
35. I tell little white lies. I even make myself beleive them! I used to do it alot more, but then when I realized what I was doing, I decided it had to stop. So I am getting much better. But it is still something I have to work on.
36. I have read a porno magazine. How many people do you know that will admit that? I found it, and I read it, and I can sort of see why guys like them so much. Its not something that I would ever want to be around on a regular basis. And like half of that stuff can be real anyway! But I can honestly say I have read one, and let me tell you, if you want to be paranoid, that is a good way to go. I was terrified the whole time that someone would catch me and think that I was a dirty pervert. I'm not by the way, if you who are reading this think so. It was very educational, and I am chalking it up to human curiosity. Thats it, thats all.
37. You know the stupid question, "If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" My question is, if no one is around, who gives a shit if it makes a sound or not? No one is there. So who cares? Sorry, just had to get that one out.
38. I admire people who can have serious philosophical discussions. I have a tendancy to be argumentative rather than just having a friendly discussion. Take that!
39. I like to argue. Well, I like to have friendly arguments. When you can go point for point on something without getting upset, or judgemental, just fact compared to fact, now thats the shit. I love doing that. Everyone told me I should have been a lawyer. But there is too much paperwork. I'm not big on paperwork. I lose everything. See above "laziness issues".
40. I have a hard time expressing myself when I feel strongly about something. Its like the emotions block the words coming from my brain. And when I get frustrated I cry. So if I am having a serious argument, and I am crying, its not because I am a baby. Its because I am frustrated that I can't get my feelings out of my head in a way that other people can understand. Give me a chance to think about it, write it down, and rehearse it, and I may be able to make you understand without going to peices. But I might still cry.

41. I love funny people. I love people that make me laugh.
42. I can sit by myself, listen to Jeff Foxworthy, and laugh my ass off. Especially on long trips, when I am drving by myself.
43. Russell Peters is fricken hilarious! The dude just makes me laugh. I love it. "Somebody gonna geta hurt rreal bad!"
44. I am horrible at telling jokes. I always get them all mixed up.
45. I hate it when people tell jokes wrong. It annoys me to no end. (Yes I annoy myself when I do it.)
46. I would take a funny guy over a really hot one anyday. The hot guy will grow old and ugly, but the funny guy will always make me laugh.
47. Don't try too hard to be funny, it just makes you seem like a loser.
48. I worry that people think I'm a loser, because I cannot tell if I am funny or not. I don't think I am. I hope not.
49. I want to be a fun person. I want to be fun around. Sometimes I am scared that I'm not one of those people that other people really want to be around. I don't want to be a downer. I want to be a picker-upper. (If thats a word.)
50. I don't really like blonde jokes. (Gasp, I know thats sacrelige to some people...) I think they are all the same after a while.

51. I was born six weeks too early. I was due on September 15th, and I was born August 7th instead.
52. My mom had to go home from the hospital without me. She said she cried and cried when she had to do that. I don't know if I could do it. I think I would live in the hospital lobby if it was my baby. Although she had my older sister at home to take care of, so I suppose that gave her the reason to go home. She came in every day though!
53. I get sick from everything. I think it has something to do with the fact that I was a preemie. But regardless, if someone around me has the flu, I will get it. Strep throat, yep, me next. Sure sign me up for that seasonal cold. Oh, and go ahead, make it last twice as long as everyone elses. I don't mind. Yeah right. If I could give my immune system a good hard kick in the arse, I totally would, if I thought it would make a difference.
54. You know what I want? I want to travel. Anywhere, it does not matter. Preferably somewhere warm, you know? But just to say I have been there. Going somewhere else and seeing someone elses' culture can give you a whole new perspective. This is a good thing.
55. I think I am not a pessimist. But I don't think I am an optimist either. I think I am a realist. Like the glass is half full/half empty thing. Its not half full if I drink all the water.
56. I want to go to jail. I know that sounds totally crazy. I don't intend on committing any crime, or anything like that. No drunk tank for me either. Falsely accused or something. But I would just like to see how I would see things from the other side. I think it would put your life and goals into a priority list. What to do first and all that.
57. I want to go sailing. I have never been sailing. I think it would be cool. I hope I don't fall overboard, becuse that would just suck. Might die and such.
58. I use the word "retarded" a lot. Some one once told me that using the word is insulting to people with mental disabilities. But see, the meaning of the word has changed. Just like the word slut used to be used to describe a woman who did not keep her house clean. Now it means, well, you all know what it means. I don't think of mentally disabled people when I use the word. I think of stupid, dumb, ridiculous. So to not use the word because of its origins, well, thats retarded.
59. I would like to study etomology. And no, thats not bugs. It is the study of words and their origins. I like history, and I like English, and writing, and I think it would be very interesting. And it has to do with languages. Cool.
60. Just a random thought. Why do they call your first name your "Christian" name? I don't really get it. Maybe its because you used to be "christened" with your name. Which is a Catholic ceremony I think. I don't know for sure. Maybe I should look into it...

61. I love school. I really do. I love the challenge of learing something new, and understanding it all in my head. I always liked school. I have absolutely nothing against learning.
62. That being said, I hate math. That would be my idea of hell. Stick Laura in a room by herself, and make her work at math problems she does not understand all day long forever. Wow. That would be the best description of hell I could come up with.
63. I am addicted to other languages. I think it is the sounds. I like sounds. You know how some people will have a line from a song stuck in their head? I do that too, but not just with music. With lines from movies, where someone says something really cool (or sounds cool in my head) like "Chon When. John Wayne? Thats a terrible name for a cowboy." (From Shanghai Noon) Its not just the words, its how they say the words. With the accents and everything. Or phrases that I have learned in other languages. Like: Ik kan niet spreken Nederlands. It means I can't speak dutch, but thats not the point. Its the way the words sound that I like.
64. I want to be multi-lingual. Not just bi-lingual. Multi, as in many. I have a good start on French, from High School, and Sign Language, from the class Hayley and I took, but I want more. I want fluency in French. I want to be able to speak Dutch. I would love to be able to sign a complete conversation with a deaf person. I want to go to Mexico and speak to the natives in Spanish, and have them understand what I said. To go somewhere, not know anyone, and still be able to get along. Thats what I want. And the thing is, I know I am smart enough to do it, but you need money. I mean, I am slowly working on ASL from my book. And I have a Dutch program on my computer, but I truly beleive that if I really want to do it, all I have to do is immersion. If I went there, and had to do it, I would learn, and learn fast. Someday I will.
65. I love accents too. When I am with Sharon, I all of a sudden have an Irish accent. There is not an Irish bone in my body, but it sure sound cool. When I talk with dutch clients, I have a dutch tilt to my words. Even my sentace structure and syntax changes. I rearrange my words, and I use words that I normally wouldn't. Its crazy. I should be an actress. I would have the speaking with an accent down pat. Just put me near someone who speaks with that accent for a week. No problem mon!
66. I consider myself to be intelligent. I don't know if that is a conceited thing to say or not, but oh well. I catch onto new things quite quickly, and I like to learn new things. I would consider that to be the marks of a smart person.
67. I also have common sense. Some people just don't. I know people who have degrees from this, and degrees from that, and have all kinds of book learning, but are totally lost in the real world. They don't look before crossing a street, and don't know how to deal with people. In short, not all that bright, even though they think they are brilliant.
68. I want to be a nurse. It means I have to go back to school, and put myself more in debt, but I want to do it. I think I can do it. And I will. I need to pay off a little more of my loan, and then thats it, enrollment, here I come.
69. I like Dr. Seuss. One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish. I used to read Green Eggs & Ham everytime I babysat in the church nursery. I can almost recite the whole book off by heart. And I still like it. I always liked the drawings too. They were a little zany, a little crazy, and the colors were never quite right. And I liked that about it. I still do. Say, I do like green eggs and ham.
70. Ok, here is something weird. I have a total hair fetish. Love hair. Will touch it, play with it, in general, I find it irrestistable. And I am not talking weird, disgusting body hair. Only the hair on your head, you know, above your face. I can't help it. Those of you who know me well have been subjected to this fetish of mine. I can do it for hours. And I like it when people play with my hair too. Love it. So weird or not? I don't care. I like it, and I'm not going to stop.

71. I still like the Backstreet Boys. I know, they are a boy band, and like, who listens to that anymore anyway? But I do. I still like it, and indulge in it. I sing along, sometimes very loudly, if I am alone, and I know all the words. If that makes me a dork, well, then so be it.
72. I like all kinds of music. I like rock, pop, some country. I can even listen to some amounts of classical and jazz. I am not a big fan of bluegrass or opera. And slow old country. Other than that I can listen to almost anything.
73. I think I have a good voice. I don't know for sure, no one has ever confirmed it for me, but I think I might have a good singing voice. Nothing fantastic mind you, not American Idol worthy, but okay nonetheless.
74. I sing to myself all the time. I can be at home, in the car, at work even, and I will be singing to myself. You may not see me, but if I am not singing out loud, it does not mean I am not singing. You can think a song too you know.
75. I would die without music. I always have music on. It helps me to deal. I like it when I am sad, when I am angry, if I am lonely, or just plain bored. There is music to go along with that. Its like a soundtrack to my life. I think we all deserve a soundtrack.
76. I think I would hate to be a celebrity. People follow you around all the time, you have no privacy, and you just get way too damn rich. People don't need that much money.
77. I want to be debt free. That is one of my main goals in life. To be debt free. I know that it will likely never happen, because you go to school, then you buy a car, then you buy a house, and you never make more money than you can spend. But I really do want to be debt free. That is one goal I will never stop working for.
78. Martial arts are cool. I want to learn. Not to kick anyone's but or anything, but I think that I would feel safer if I could defend myself. Maybe I should take a self defense course. That might accomplish the same goal. But Karate or Judo just sounds like more fun.
79. I always have lots of lights on. Why, you might ask. Well, I am not afraid of the dark, per se, but I can't stand it when everything is dark. (Unless I am trying to sleep. Then darkness is my friend.) You cannot see what you are doing. You can't see the expressions on other peoples faces. People can sneak up on you. I hate that.
80. I am extremely ticklish. My feet, my underarms, my stomach, but especially my neck. I think that would be the most sensitive part of my body. (Also the best place to be kissed, but shhh, I didn't tell you.)

81. I admire my brother. He can save money like I can't. Not only that, but he is a smart shit. He could do anything he wanted. And since he is not sure what he wants, what is he doing? Working his ass off to pay for school before he goes, so that he won't have to worry about it after. Now why wasn't I more like that!
82. I think my brother is funny. Don't ever tell him that, he will let it go to his head. But he is funny, even though most of the time it is lame humor. Its still funny.
83. I admire my mom. My mom is my hero. I once wrote an essay about how my mom was my hero. She works with old people, and is always very patient with them. She gives time to church organizations. She gives time to pretty much anyone who asks for it. She loves unconditionally. She will be there for you, no matter what. She will babysit for free. She is very generous, and donates to all kinds of good causes, whether it is monetary, or timewise. She is so much more than I can fit in this space. My mom is a wonderful example of a human being. She is my HERO.
84. I have another hero too. My friend Haley. She is a shining example of what a friend should be. She is supportive, optimistic, encouraging, and loving. She is not judgemental, and is living proof of standing up for what you beleive in no matter what any one else thinks. I love you Haley.
85. I love my friends. I would do anything for them. I have done things for them that no one would beleive. (and I'm not going to say here. Some things are better left unsaid.)
86. I am a very emotional person. I cry and laugh out loud, at, get this, not just movies. I can be reading a book, and laugh out loud. People look at me like I am crazy. Usually I am picturing whatever I just read in my head (thats what I do when I read you know. I see the movie in my head) and if it is funny, I will be laughing. Yes, out loud! And I cry. Yep, just from reading a book. All the time. I guess it means I care.
87. I have 2 beautiful nephews. I adore them. My sister and brother-in-law are doing such a good job with them! They are going to turn out to be the kids next door that you want to let your kids play with, because they will be good influences. I can't wait until they have a little girl.
88. I don't think that boys are any worse than girls. By that I mean, boys are not meaner, boys are not smarter (They might be a little stronger when they grow up, but thats just physical.) boys are not more perverted, nothing. Girls and boys definitely equal out in the end. Trust me, I am a girl, and we think the same things, guys just say it out loud more often.
89. There are a couple of words that I will never use. I will never say them to another person, I will never voice them out loud, and even just thinking them makes me extremely angry. I will not write them here, but trust me, if you ever say them to me, or around me, you will hear about it!
90. I have been told I have a sexy voice. Don't know if it is true or not, but so I've been told. Not sure if that is a good thing or not, but I guess it could be in the right context. Rrrrow!

91. I am afraid of falling in love. I am scared of losing my heart to someone that can break it. It terrifies me.
92. I want to fall in love. I'm scared, but I want it anyway.
93. I want the kind of marriage my parents have. They are still in love. They cuddle, they kiss, and I am sure they do other things that I really don't want to know about. They have been married for 25 years, and are still together, and still happy. I want what they have.
94. And then there is that matter of kids. Do I want them? Sure I do. But its scary too. Once you have a kid, you have much less freedom. And you are completely, 100% responsible for the first few years of their lives. Scary thought.
95. I already have names for my kids. I'm sure by the time they actually come along, they will have changed somewhat, but I don't know. Some of them I have hung onto for a long time. And nothing weird. No Summer Moons, or Ryan Kokes. Nothing that can get them tortured in school.
96. I think people who give their kids "cute" names are cruel. I went to school with a guy named Ben Swen. Never give your kid a name that rhymes. He will be tortured, I promise. Or how about Peter Peterson? Yeah, thats cool. Or Norman. My little sister, had she been a boy, would have been Norman. I hate that name. It is cruel and unjust. Not only that, but then you are asking your child to be gay. I have never known a Norman that was not gay. My mom says she did, but I don't beleive her.
97. I don't consider myself to be beautiful. I have days that I feel hot, and I have days where I feel not so hot. But to call myself pretty? I don't know that thats the word I would use. Other people (my girl friends) have told me I am. But beautiful... I don't know. Someday I will beleive it.
98. I am insecure about my looks. I am better than I used to be. I am starting to be more and more happy with how I look as I go. I guess it is because I have given my life a make over. I have given my stuff a makeover (gotten rid of a lot of things) I have given my wardrobe a makeover. I am in the works of giving my hair a makeover. I am working on getting my body a makeover. (I hate the gym. I like the idea of it, and the actual fact is not so bad, but somehow there is still a negative feeling associated with it.)
99. I like my style. It is not something special, or specific, more like an eclectic mix. But I like it. It suits me. Its me.
100. And as my final thought...Damn, I'm good!

Wow, that took quite a while. A few minutes here, a few minutes there, over two days. So do I really know myself better than when I started? Maybe not. But some of these things I have never said aloud, or really admitted to myself. So I guess it was the learning experience that it was supposed to be. Hope you know a little more about me than before.